Do The Duck!

March 20, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire 2 Comments

You know, the German Duck Responsibility Dance?

It goes like this: Over 60 percent of Germans asked think that the military intervention in Libya is a good thing. Over 65 percent of the same Germans asked think it’s even better that Germans are shirking their responsibility there.

It can be lonely living on the moral highground sometimes I guess, but who says you can’t have your Kuchen and eat it too?

Deutschland hatte sich bei der Abstimmung im UN-Sicherheitsrat enthalten und schließt einen Einsatz von Bundeswehrsoldaten aus.

Reality Show 2.0

March 11, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art Tags: Berlin, David Lynch, Film, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Movies, Satire Leave a comment

David Lynch (OK, his son) interviewing randomly selected Germans about their randomly selected lives? This ought to make The Blair Witch Project look like Sesame Street.

But I guess that’s the idea behind “Interview Project Germany,” asking real people real questions and then really listening to what they have to say (for real). No bells, no whistles. Just the facts, ma’am. Oh the horror already.

“Viele Leute haben uns ihr Herz ausgeschüttet – manchmal hat es sich so angefühlt, als hätten sie nur auf uns gewartet.”

More Miserable Management

March 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Boss, Bosses, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Management, Satire 2 Comments

In Germany, I mean.

I just wanted to share these highly German on-the-job motivational sayings with you, for no particular reason.

“Bread molds. Shit stinks. What can you do?”

“I’d like to go on vacation the way that you go to work.”

“I don’t have problems, I have employees.”

“Please shut the door. Or can’t you do that either?”

“Regular failure is also a form of reliability.”

“Ich kann Sie nur auf den Topf setzen. Drücken müssen Sie alleine.”

7.5 Million Germans Don’t Read Write!

February 28, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Higher Education Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Literacy, Reading, Satire, Writing 2 Comments

I mean read right, of course. But is that really all that bad? The other 70+ million apparently believe everything they read. So like what’s worse?

They believe at first glance, for instance, that 7.5 million Germans are completely illiterate (nearly a tenth of the population?). Then they might look a little closer and find out that “only” 300,000 Germans can’t read at all, which is bad enough, but still.

Of course that two million Germans “can only read and write individual words” (whatever that means) and another 5.2 million are really, really poor at reading and writing doesn’t sound all that encouraging either, but it’s still a long way off from “7.5 million Germans can’t read.” But hey, somebody has to right this stuff.

Rund zwei Millionen der Betroffenen könnten nur einzelne Worte lesen und schreiben und weitere 5,2 Millionen Menschen scheitern an kurzen Texten, könnten aber mit einzelnen Sätzen umgehen.

German 80 Percent Rule Kicks In Again

February 25, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Doctorate, German, Germans, Germany, Guttenberg, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

OK, OK. This time it’s only 75 percent, but they’re at a real low right now. Give them another week or two.

When Germans decide to go with a fixed idea (obsession? delusion?) they do so with typical German thoroughness (typical German thoroughness is another fixed idea, obsession or delusion). In this case, they have decided to keep liking their defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, plagiarism or not. Some 75 percent of Germans asked think he should stay in office after the University of Bayreuth took back his doctorate.

The German Left (meaning political opposition) is enraged, of course, but who cares? They’re always enraged about something. And some of the irony here is that this particular article comes from the Bild Zeitung itself, another thing that outrages the outraged German Left (always has, always will). They claim that Guttenberg was “created” by the Bild, like Dr. Frankenstein created his monster, I guess. And being that the German man or woman on the street is too dumb to know what is best for him or her, or so their thinking, they are all the more enraged that he/she has decided to stick to Guttenberg anyway, despite their quite loud and vocal enragement. Like how enraging is that?

Nur 22 Prozent sind der Meinung, zu Guttenberg soll aufgrund dieser Vorwürfe als Verteidigungsminister zurücktreten, drei Viertel (75 Prozent) verneinen dies. Drei Prozent sind unentschlossen.

Shocking Study Results: Men And Women Appear To Be “Different”

February 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Men, Satire, Women 3 Comments

Researchers in Germany are scratching their heads in astonishment. A study entitled “Typical Man, Typical Woman” has revealed that men and women not only behave in typical man-like and woman-like ways, they actually even behave “differently” from one another.

Some 65 percent of the men tested liked talking about sports, for instance, whereas 75 percent of the women preferred gossip concerning their respective circle of friends.

Nearly 50 percent of young women tested classified themselves as being “communicative” (that means that they like to talk a lot) whereas a mere 21 percent of the men tested saw themselves so.

These completely unexpected results have led many researches to question the seriousness of the study and the methods used. A new study may now be necessary. Typical.

„Die Alltagswirklichkeiten von Mann und Frau haben sich zwar zunehmend angenähert, nicht aber das Interessenspektrum.“

Reason Number Three

February 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Children, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 9 Comments

From yesterday (why Germans don’t want any kids): They’re too loud.

Germany is so desperate to encourage people to have more children that the government is proposing a bill allowing citizens under six to laugh, shout and play at any volume.

Germany is a land of many rules, especially about noise. The government’s move comes after a series of lawsuits about children and noise, and a recent call from a senior citizens’ chapter of Chancellor Angela Merkel’s conservatives, who sought to ban kindergartens from residential areas because they are too loud.

Thank goodness. I’m sure this proposed bill will turn everything around for the better.

Now we know why Germans don’t want any kids

February 15, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Birth rate, Children, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 5 Comments

It’s because they don’t want any kids.

Sure, there are more specific “reasons,” but they are all vorgeschoben (phoney), whether the people giving them actually believe them or not. Like how in the latest survey two-thirds of childless couples asked actually want to have children but their financial situation, say, is too precarious or having kids would make their lives even more stressful than they already are, boo, hoo, blah, blah.

This all makes sense, sort of. As we all know, the human kind has never had children when the financial situation was precarious or the situation was stressful, right? Whatever.

No, they know perfectly well why they don’t want any children. 1) Once you have a kid it’s no longer about ME, MYSELF and I anymore and 2) Once you have a kid you would then actually be expected to take responsibility for it YOURSELF (even in Germany, well, for the most part). And taking responsibility for things just doesn’t cut the Kuchen around the country here these days.

79 Prozent finden den Alltag auch ohne Kinder bereits anstrengend genug,

Miserable Management Booming Too

February 10, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Management, Satire Leave a comment

And you thought your boss was lousy And I’m sure she is.

Whopee! The German economy is booming and everything is Friede, Freude und Eierkuchen (peace, love and harmony), right? Well that’s what German managers will tell you these days. German employees appear to see the situtation a bit more differenziert (nuanced). Just ask this lady down here.

Gallop tells us that German workers are anything but highly motivated in these booming economic times in which we, or at least they, now live. Some 66 percent of those surveyed say they only do Dienst nach Vorschrift (they only work to rule, they don’t give any effort more than absolutely necessary) and have very little emotional commitment to their company. About one fifth (21 percent) of the workforce have already quit “innerly” and feel no emotional commitment to their company at all.

German bosses suck really bad, in other words.

And now you have the rest of the story.

Fast die Hälfte der Angestellten (46 Prozent), die innerlich bereits gekündigt haben, haben im vergangenen Jahr aufgrund ihres Vorgesetzten daran gedacht, ihr Unternehmen zu verlassen. Nahezu ebenso viele (45 Prozent) würden ihren Chef mit sofortiger Wirkung entlassen, wenn sie denn könnten.

The German 80 percent rule

January 31, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Emigrants, Emigration, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

You know, like the 80 percent of all Germans (at least) who love Obama no matter what he does or does not do.

Or how about the 80 percent of all Germans who are fervent pacifists and yet clearly have no problem with their country being the world’s third largest weapons exporter (NOBODY cares here, honest)?

But this one really kills me, and it’s quite a surprise. It turns out that 80 percent of all German Auswanderer (emigrants) who demonstratively leave their homeland forever (well they do on the numerous TV shows that document their adventures) toss in the towel after a bit and come back home to Deutschland again.

I guess once you go red, gold, black (the German flag), you never go back.

Deutsche entpuppen sich als “Ich bin nur kurz weg”-Auswanderer

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hard Facts