Turn That Frown Upside Down

Before you’re out of the picture altogether. The SPD’s “popularity” rating has now dropped to 17%. They used to say anything under 20% for a so-called Volkspartei and you’re dead. Now they’re happy to have even that.

Nahesl

And their fearless leaders are dropping like flies, too. First of all the savior guy from a year ago, Martin Schulz, who has now met his political end. Next, with any luck, the super Sozi Andreas Nahles herself. She has already elected herself to take over for him and be the head of the party, even if it’s only temporary, but the party is so beat up and bleeding and tired of the leadership’s mismanagement that they may just tell her no.

And this would be a shocker. She has the best SPD credentials you can possibly have: She studied for ten or twenty years and has never worked a day in her life. She has had years of experience, however, being head social democrat what’s in charge of redistributing other people’s money and seeing to it that future generations pay for her over-the-top spending. I’d hate to see her go but I’d get over it. That means she would finally have to get a real job and see what it’s like to earn that money herself. Oops. I forgot. As a top dog civil servant her big fat retirement is waiting for her now.

Sie ist zwar keine Partei-Vize, doch der SPD-Vorstand überlegt dennoch, Andrea Nahles kommissarisch den Parteivorsitz zu übergeben. Mehrere Landesverbände lehnen das ab.

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Somebody Call The Tradition Commission!

Oh, they’ve contacted you already? Good. Whew.

Lead

Tradition can be a dangerous thing, folks. Just look at the old German New Year’s Eve custom of Bleigießen – telling fortunes by the shapes made when molten lead is dropped into cold water. Awful. As you can well imagine, countless millions have been maimed or died in the process. And did you know that they actually do this without proper supervision in the privacy of their own homes?

Thank goodness the EU is here to help. A new European Union directive has finally been enacted that prohibits this dangerous practice once and for all. Tonight will be the last time Germans will be allowed to recklessly place their lives and the lives of their children in danger.

This kind of stuff gets me right here. I really get emotional. Today the lead, tomorrow Santa Claus. The EU marches on.

Happy New Year!

Bye, bye, Blei: Im Zuge der neuen Chemikalienverordnung der EU müssen die Deutschen ab 2018 auf das Bleigießen an Silvester verzichten.

PS: Remember to be extra careful with those Polish firecrackers tonight, people.

Who Will Be Brave Enough?

To just get it over with and close down Berlin’s new non-existent airport before it ever not opens, I mean.

BER

Nobody will be brave enoug, of course.. Not even after this latest (coming) delay. Can you still call them delays when you get to the ten-year mark?

The latest setback is reportedly due to problems with fire protection. Other errors over the years include badly installed cables, escalators that were too short and a roof that was too heavy.

Corruption is also a factor – last year one former airport employee was sentenced to prison for taking bribes and dozens of others have been fined.

Collateral damage includes construction companies, retail outlets and taxi firms forced into bankruptcy and one former Berlin mayor (SPD) forced out of his job.

Zu Tagesspiegel-Erkenntnissen, denen zufolge eine BER-Eröffnung vor 2021 durch die neuen Informationen zunehmend unwahrscheinlich wird, äußert sich die Flughafengesellschaft nicht direkt.

PS: Happy Thanksgiving!

Berlin’s BER Airport Nonexistent And Too Small At The Same Time

Previously thought to be impossible within the realm of phenomenal reality, airport physisists were more than a little shocked today to discover that Berlin’s infamously nonexistent and still not new BER airport – latest takeoff delay soon to be announced for 2019 – is nevertheless much too small, despite its nothingness.

BER

Too small to ever be a grown-up, major hub-like airport, that is. If it ever were to see the light of day, of course. Which it might not. These are theoretical airport physisists we’re talking about here, in case you were wondering.

Ein Start des BER vor 2019 gilt als unwahrscheinlich. Flughafenchef Engelbert Lütke Daldrup will in diesem Jahr einen Eröffnungstermin nennen.

How Poor Is Germany?

Why Germany is so poor it can’t even put its two cents in the conversation.

EU

Poor? Germany is so poor it scams the Nigerians.

Germany is poor. It’s so poor it drives a Poor-shh.

And to top these jokes off, Germany is so poor that German states like Brandenburg will continue to need aid from the European Union for, like, well… Forever.

Remember: “The state (or in this case the über-suprranational-EU-state) is that great fiction by which everyone tries to live at the expense of everyone else.”

Brandenburg darf aus Sicht von Finanzminister Christian Görke (Linke) bei künftigen notwendigen Haushaltseinsparungen der Europäischen Union nicht belastet werden.

The Next Giant Leap For Womankind

Peeing standing up. And people like you said it couldn’t be done.

Urinals

The future will be taking place right here in Berlin, too. If Berlin’s breathtakingly progressive left-wing coalition government can succeed in pushing their zukunfstweisend (forward-thinking, groundbreaking) “toilet concept” through, that is.

It’s a common problem when you’re out and about. Nature calls – but the queue for the ladies is bladder-testingly slow to advance. Meanwhile your male companion waltzes in and out with what often feels like unfair speed. Now, the Berlin city authorities plan to address the issue of gender equality in public toilets, as they seek to redevelop the city’s conveniences. All locations that currently have a male-only “pissoir” (public urinal facility) should only exist in combination with unisex toilets, a 99-page city strategy paper called “the toilet concept” concludes.

Today the urinals, tomorrow the, I dunno, jock straps. Womankind marches on.

Hat das rot-grüne Berlin keine anderen Probleme?

German Of The Day: Sozialabgaben

That means social welfare contributions. And that comes out to be some 900 billion euros in Germany annually. These are not voluntary contributions either, folks.

Sozialabgaben

This is 29.3 percent of Germany’s GDP. GDP here standing for Grotesque and Deranged Payments, by the way.

Diese Leistungen entsprechen den Angaben zufolge 29,3 Prozent vom Bruttoinlandsprodukt (BIP/2015: 29,2). Nach einer Prognose wird Ende kommender Legislaturperiode die Billionen Grenze überschritten. Die Sozialausgaben werden dann bei 1,1 Billionen Euro liegen.

PS: The word “social” is a code word for “here’s something for free” over here, too. Just in case you were wondering.

Rotten Administrative Watchdog Worried About Lack Of Lousy Public Service Officials

Germany’s Bundesverwaltungsamt (Federal Office of Administration), responsible for overseeing the lousy service traditionally inflicted upon defenseless German citizens by the crappy public service officials they administer so poorly, has expressed concern that the number of said officials is much too low to guarantee the continued level of awful service these citizens have become accustomed to and therefore insists that tons more of these losers be hired in the near future or sooner. Or else.

Offcials

“That’s right,” said the only incompetent high-level and ridiculously overpaid official anybody could locate who wasn’t home playing sick or out getting a Kur (a well-loved “treatment” scam here). “Hire a whole bunch more of folks like us or the service gets even worse. Any questions?”

In der Verwaltung droht der Personalnotstand: Das befürchtet der Präsident des Bundesverwaltungsamtes Christoph Verenkotte und fordert ein “riesiges Einstellungsprogramm.”

German Air Farce Ready For Action

Only one of Germany’s eight way-over-budget Airbus A400M military transport planes is working at the moment, if working is the proper word for a military transport plane that will never actually be used anywhere anyway. Jeepers. That’s like, I dunno, less than half or something.

A400M

Germany’s defense minister Ursula von der Leyen apparently discovered this problem single handedly after the A400M she had taken for a visit to Lithuania broke down there.

Meanwhile… Countless aircraft belonging to German Billigflieger (budget airlines) loaded with countless tons of German tourists don’t seem to be having any technical problems whatsoever. Their number will be increasing dramatically this summer. You just got to set your priorities right these days, I guess.

Zum Sommer wächst das Angebot der Billigflieger an deutschen Flughäfen kräftig.

Another Year Closes

But Berlin’s “new” airport doors won’t. So that’s why the grand opening will have to be put off again for another year.

Doors

For now, I mean. Hey, when one door closes another one opens. And when when one door doesn’t close… Whatever.

Statt 80 Prozent Ende 2016 sind de facto nur 20 Prozent in Ordnung. Ein ordnungsgemäßes Funktionieren der Türen ist jedoch insbesondere für die fehlerfreie Entrauchung wichtig.

PS: You just wait, Hamburg. You’re going to have to.