Once the Stuxnet worm infects a system…

Whether it be a Siemens system in China, Indonesia, India, the United States, Australia, Britain, Malaysia, Pakistan and, oh yeah, now in Germany too “it quickly sets up communications with a remote server computer that can be used to steal proprietary information or take control of the SCADA system.”

Other than in those systems in Iran, I mean.

Just in time for Germany’s the big 20th anniversary reunification party or what?

I can’t stand it! I know you planned it!”

For Siemens with love

The highly complex stuxnet worm–it’s complexity, some say, suggesting it could only have been created by a “nation state“–has targeted systems at Iran’s first nuclear power station, systems made by the German company Siemens.

Stuxnet is tailored to target weaknesses in Siemens systems used to manage water supplies, oil rigs, power plants and other utilities. But I can’t see why anyone would be interested in doing such a thing as Iran (with Siemen’s help) has repeatedly stated that it is only developing nuclear energy for peaceful purposes. 

Hmm. I guess you could say da ist der Wurm drin (the worm is inside) = there’s something very wrong with that. With making ridiculous statements like that, I mean.

Nun bestätigte ein Regierungsmitarbeiter, dass in Industrieanlagen 30.000 Rechner mit dem Virus infiziert wurden.

German trade with Iran still wunderbar

“Reports indicate Germany’s exports to Iran have reached near the two-billion Euros mark in the first half of 2010.”

“The figure represents a 14 percent rise in Iranian imports from Europe’s largest economy, compared to the same period last year.”

Bei deutschen Behörden und der Industrie stoßen die Pläne der EU-Kommission auf Empörung. Dort werden die Sanktionen gegen Iran als zu massiv und unprofessionell gewertet.

What bank crisis?

“A small Iranian-owned bank in Germany has been used by the Iranian government to go around international economic sanctions and do business on behalf of blacklisted organizations.”

“The UN Security Council slapped a fourth set of sanctions against Iran in June for refusing to halt its uranium enrichment work, the most sensitive part of Tehran’s controversial atomic drive.”

Another coalition of the willing (not)?

Or does it just stay business as usual?

“The responsibility for stopping the Iranian bomb thus rests with a coalition of the willing. The attitude of Germany—Iran’s most important Western trading partner—will be critical to the success of such a coalition. But while the recent announcement by Siemens and Munich Re to exit the Iranian market have garnered headlines, hundreds of German manufacturers remain determined to continue doing business as usual with Tehran.”

Much of that business goes undetected via Dubai.

Teheran has visions of its own

And it hears voices too, for that matter. But just like with YouTube, it doesn’t do cinematic visions.

Nix Berlinale for you, buddy. The Berlin Film Festival is just too political, I guess.

“We are surprised and deeply regret that a director (Jafar Panahi) who has won so many international prizes has been denied the possibility to take part in our anniversary festival and to speak about his cinematic visions,” Berlinale director Dieter Kosslick said in a statement.

On July 30, Panahi and members of his family were arrested in a Tehran cemetery at an opposition protest in memory of demonstrators killed in street violence after the election.

Iran paranoid about Google now too

Not unlike German fears about privacy when it comes to Google’s eerie Street-View technology – while gladly developing and using Street-View-type products of their own – Iran’s freely elected government sort of is also frightened about privacy when it comes to one of Google’s other creepy technologies: eMail (and that’s e for evil). And yeah, of course I know that Google didn’t invent eMail. But still.

The Iranian powers that be (or powers that is, if you prefer) are clearly concerned about privacy matters here; keeping their own damned privacy as private as inhumanly possible, that is. Otherwise, everybody out there knows what the hell they’re up to, get it?

So now following the German example, word is out that the Iranians are actually planning to introduce a new eMail technology of their own. It’s code name is MMail, I think (GMail war gestern). Or Mullah-Mail, if you prefer.

Es ist einer der populärsten E-Mail-Dienste in Iran – doch nun will die Regierung Googles GMail-Service offenbar sperren lassen. Laut einem Bericht des “Wall Street Journal” soll stattdessen ein eigenes Mail-System aufgebaut werden.

Iran using tricks?

Really? Who would have thought that? After all these long years, I mean.

It must have been those tricky Avatar 3D glasses that finally tipped the Germans off.

Westerwelle told Deutschlandfunk radio that Iran would be judged by its actions and not by its words, and that only a serious return to negotiations would prevent further measures such as sanctions being imposed on the Islamic Republic.

Yogi and Ingo go home!

“Two German diplomats using the fictitious names of Yogi and Ingo were arrested” in Iran, Iran state television has announced.

No, not for using fictitious names (their real names are Yogi and Boo-Boo, I guess), for having had a hand in violent and deadly anti-government protests which broke out on a Shiite Muslim holy day December 27th last month.

Germans? Germans involved in violent and deadly anti-government protests? In Iran? Go figure. They don’t even protest violently or deadly when they have revolutions here, in Germany, much less during other folks’ anti-government protests far away im Ausland (overseas).

So like send them home immediately or something, Islamic Republic of Iran. The nerve.

“No German diplomats were arrested on December 27 last year,” German foreign ministry spokesman Andreas Peschke told a Berlin news conference.

Germany’s turn?

As everybody knows, everything that “goes wrong” in Iran is a direct result of actions carried out by outside provocateurs (the United States and Britain, in other words).

But in a refreshing new turn of events, Iranian officials are now slapping around Germany for once. Germany, of all nations.

No one knows why for sure, of course, but some speculate that “The accusations followed stronger statements against Iran’s nuclear program by German officials, including Chancellor Angela Merkel, who raised the specter of new international sanctions against Iran, and an announcement on Tuesday by the Munich-based engineering giant Siemens that it would seek no new business there.”

Damn. And that’s for just raising a specter, or maybe two. What would happen if the German government ever actually “did” anything to Iran? You know, other than sell them things, I mean.

Wir waren es nicht. Yogi und Ingo sind es gewesen.