Tag Archives: Satire

A Permanent Security Council Seat For Germany?

March 22, 2011 By in Helections, Helplessness, History Tags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Let’s vote.

“Germany has lost its credibility in the United Nations and in the Middle East.”

“Germany has turned the idea of a unified European Union foreign policy into a farce.”

“Germany’s hopes for a permanent Security Council seat can be buried. Even the idea of an EU seat is damaged.”

“I don’t know what the German foreign minister was thinking, but (the abstention) doesn’t have much in common with a values-driven foreign policy nor with German and European Union interests.”

“German hopes for a permanent seat on the Security Council have been permanently dashed and one is now fearful of Europe’s future.”

“Why is it so difficult for us in Germany to realize that we have to help the rebels in Libya, primarily because a bloodbath is looming in Benghazi?”

“Everyone has seen pictures of the Warsaw ghetto. Everyone knows what happens when an army takes over a city. That’s why all parties in France, including on the left, were in favor of a military intervention in Libya. In Germany, that didn’t happen.”

“The opposition to our closest partner France is a break with all constants of German foreign policy since 1949.”

“I have nothing but shame for the failure of our government.”

“The reform of the United Nations Security Council remains a major goal for the German government. The German government’s willingness to shoulder more responsibility within the framework of such reform is unchanged.”

Fossil Fools

March 21, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

In Japan, we have seen mighty tectonic shifts, with tragic effects. In Germany, teutonic plates have been swirling around uncontrollably, and the country has undergone a nuclear U-turn at the hand of Angela Merkel, the normally iconically-cool Chancellor.

But now for something completely different: German energy puns.

Boy I tell ya, when it comes to shutting down nuclear power plants these Germans really know what’s watt.

I just heard all the German nuclear physicists have gone fission.

I guy I talked to says that now that they’ve shut down all these nuclear plants they’re gonna re-fuse to start them back up again.

Green? Why Germans are so green these days that they’ve resorted to planting light bulbs. They want to see if power plants will grow.

You know why wind power is so popular in this country? It has a lot of fans.

You know what they are going to call a power failure here pretty soon, don’t you? A current event.

I ran into this silly old German Green the other day. Man, talk about a fossil fool.

During the past week, the Germans have not set a good example, casting away logic and apparently deciding future energy policy on the basis of an emotional spasm rather than a clearly-thought out strategy.

Do The Duck!

March 20, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , 2 Comments

You know, the German Duck Responsibility Dance?

It goes like this: Over 60 percent of Germans asked think that the military intervention in Libya is a good thing. Over 65 percent of the same Germans asked think it’s even better that Germans are shirking their responsibility there.

It can be lonely living on the moral highground sometimes I guess, but who says you can’t have your Kuchen and eat it too?

Deutschland hatte sich bei der Abstimmung im UN-Sicherheitsrat enthalten und schließt einen Einsatz von Bundeswehrsoldaten aus.

Thanks once again, Germany!

March 18, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

We couldn’t have done it without you. But we did anyway.

“The Obama administration and America’s allies have won an open-ended endorsement from the United Nations for military action in Libya.”

“The administration deserves credit for getting this resolution passed with such strong support,” said a joint statement from Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., John McCain, R-Ariz., and Joe Lieberman, I-Conn.

Five nations abstained from the vote, one of them being America’s ally you-know-wer (who).

Bei der Abstimmung enthielten sich die Vetomächte Russland, China sowie Indien, Brasilien und auch Deutschland (way down on the bottom of the article).

Recent Tough Talk Less Tougher Now

March 17, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

As expected, Germany has rejected the idea of a no-fly zone over Libya on the grounds that someone (from Germany) might get hurt.

Using standard German anti-non-German-war reasoning, the creation of a no-fly zone would amount to a possible so-called military action which could actually involve so-called attacks against Libyan recent-old-buddy-now-despotic-leader Muammar Gaddafi’s anti-aircraft defenses.

This would be bad enough, for some reason, but worse still would be that these attacks, if unsuccessful, could open the way to an intervention on the ground which Germany would never, ever, ever be a part of anyway, as we all know, so why not just say no to the whole thing right now and get it over with?

French Foreign Minister Alain Juppe said on Wednesday that “only the threat of force can stop Gaddafi”. He said that several Arab states were ready to assist Western military intervention.

“Angst is the German lifeblood”

March 16, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , 5 Comments

Die Zeit: How do you explain this (that Germans “like” to be afraid)?

Henryk M. Broder: I think the Germans have been waiting for their punishment since 1945. If the Allies had been at least a little bit more rigid with them, instead of tossing Mars bars from the sky, then maybe the Germans would be in a slightly better constitution today. They’re always thinking: Something’s still coming, and we deserve it.

He’s joking, of course. But maybe he’s not joking.

Man muss nicht 30.000 Kilometer durch Deutschland fahren, um festzustellen, dass die Deutschen gern Angst haben. Sie haben Angst vor Oberleitungen und unterirdischen Bahnhöfen, vor Dioxin im Frühstücksei und vor der Klimaerwärmung. Letztere ist bekanntlich ein globales Phänomen, aber niemand fürchtet sie so sehr wie die Deutschen. Angst ist das deutsche Lebenselixier.

Reality Show 2.0

March 11, 2011 By in Hard Facts, High Art Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

David Lynch (OK, his son) interviewing randomly selected Germans about their randomly selected lives? This ought to make The Blair Witch Project look like Sesame Street.

But I guess that’s the idea behind “Interview Project Germany,” asking real people real questions and then really listening to what they have to say (for real). No bells, no whistles. Just the facts, ma’am. Oh the horror already.

“Viele Leute haben uns ihr Herz ausgeschüttet – manchmal hat es sich so angefühlt, als hätten sie nur auf uns gewartet.”

Cows Still Mad In Germany

March 10, 2011 By in Health, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Or angry, at the very least. And wouldn’t you be? After ten long years of taking testing samples from the brains of 21 million cattle in Germany for BSE, scientists have concluded that mad-cow disease maybe sort of never took hold here after all.

But the war must go on. Why is hard to say, but it must. Sicher ist sicher ist sicher (it’s better to be safe than sorry) already. And what’s €150 million a year for a danger to consumers that , uh, hasn’t been a danger to consmers for many years now, if ever at all?

Or as one pissed off medical specialist said: “That is more than twice the budget that all university hospitals have at their disposal for diagnosing infections in their patients.”

Since news of the disease reached Germany, some 15,355 cattle have been killed in so-called stock and cohort culling. All of 12 animals sick with BSE were discovered at German slaughterhouses with the help of rapid tests. The last case was diagnosed five years ago.

Germany Upset That US-Amerika Is Now Too Much Like Germany

March 9, 2011 By in Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Normally outraged at the very thought of American Alleingänge (solo runs), concerned Spiegel journalists and countless German Gutmenschen (starry-eyed idealist types) everywhere are clearly upset that President Obama is now backpedaling as fast as he can at the very thought of leading the way to establish a no-fly zone in Libya.

Gaddafi is not rolling over and dying as quickly as expected and this is turning into yet another embarassment for Germany and the rest of the EU because if this keeps up, sooner or later these countries may be forced to actually “do something” themselves and this, as we all know, is not something that they are prepared to do.

Hey, Germany. He’s your President. Too, I mean.

Obama schreckt vor Libyen-Alleingang zurück.