Get Yer Ya-Ya’s and Your Canned Goods Out!

Oh, my, God. The Scheechaos (snow chaos) has now reached Berlin! You know, like the Red Army once did?

What’s even more shocking is that it’s reached the taz too (the newspaper for all the lefty-anarcho-chaos experts living here). And even more shockingerer still is that Berlin’s environmental minister (yup, cities like Berlin have one of those) Katrin Lompscher (Left Party not Green–can’t you be both?) has called for a freakin’ Krisengipfel (crisis summit). You know, just like the one they had recently somewheres but I can’t remember where, about something, but I forget. Only this Krisengipfel will be worse, or better, or whatever.

We’re all going to die or something!

German Technophobia Reaches North Pole

In yet another shocking new disclosure that may or may not have come from WikiLeaks although it’s hard to say for sure, it has been revealed that neither the German Santa Claus, St. Nikolaus, nor his many thousands of merry German post office helpers reply to children’s wish lists sent in the so-called “e-mail” format, insisting instead that “they learn how to do it properly.”

“Obviously we, as the postal service, want children to write letters,” said St. Nikolaus spokesman Freddie von Scrooge. “And besides, once you give in and start letting stuff like “e-mail” through, the next thing you know they’ll be Street Viewing the freakin’ North Pole.”

Santa Doesn’t Do Digital

Solidarity Time

Predictably, as necessitated by the somewhat psychologically deformed German perception of what constitutes crime, several German media have banded together to protest what they call “the criminalization of WikiLeaks.”

They did accidently make one or two good points here, though. In their joint declaration they wrote: Those who publish in the Internet should be treated no differently than classic journalists. I couldn’t agree more.

They also wrote: The state is no end in itself and must be able to withstand a confrontation with its own secrets. Again, I agree here. But maybe what they really meant to write was WikiLeaks is no end in itself and must be able to withstand a confrontation with its own secrets.

By the way, have you heard the latest?!? Julian Assange begged the judges on privacy grounds not to reveal his new mansion arrest address. It’s Ellingham Hall, an elegant ten-bedroom retreat in 600 secluded acres of Norfolk countryside, just in case you were wondering.

Oh, and get this. Apparantly the guy’s also really talented at writing creepy, lovesick emails. Check them out here!

Opps. Didn’t mean to leak that or anything. But it’s too late now. This doesn’t constitute a crime or anything, does it?

WikiLeaks ist kein Selbstzweck und muss eine Konfrontation mit den eigenen Geheimnissen aushalten.

Germans Outraged at Glamorous Baroness

German opposition politicians everywhere are seething at what they see as the latest successful Selbstinszenierung (self-staging) by Germany’s popular blue-blooded defense minister, Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg and his way too good-looking, photogenic and charasmatic well-born wife Stephanie during a visit to German troops in Afghanistan the other day, which, come to think of it, it was.

“Afghanistan is the last country on earth that lends itself to show business and entertainment,” one fuming politician said. “Our troops there have proven that long ago.”

“A shameless act of self-promotion,” another opposing opposition politician said, asking to remain anonymous. “Damn I wish I could pull that off that well too.”

“Some people might find the visit by the baroness, a von Bismarck by birth, to the military camp in her trendy boots and anorak a tad extroverted. But the sympathies conveyed by the minister’s wife, on behalf of millions of German citizens, has a value that transcends any criticism of the show business element of this coup.”

It’s passé, José

Remember when hysterical warnings about the approaching climate catastrophe used to be en vogue here in Germany? You remember, long, long ago. Like during that near-snowed-out UN climate summit held in Copenhagen last year? That’s all passé now, for some inexplicable reason. And I, for one, really miss all the brouhaha.

The media here barely even bothered to cover the latest doomed UN climate summit, this time held in Cancun, Mexico, I think. The little coverage you could find was so drab, so pragmatic, so, I don’t know, so businesslike, it put you right to sleep. Well it did me.

Like where did all the fire go? Not a single riot anywhere. Where’s all the hybris and the hype? Whatever happened to those drowning polar bears and ticking clocks and time bombs and other highly dramatic life and death symbolic scenarios (scenario symbolics?)? Sure, I know, time has actually run out for us already. Copenhagen was the last chance (or was it Kyoto?), and yet the snow, I mean show must still go on, mustn’t it? But what do we get now? Now all anybody wants to talk about are emission certificates. Emission certificates and business opportunities. Pitiful. I remember when our planet’s future used to be at stake. Now the only thing at stake is “multilateralism.” Boooring.

Mad? You bet I’m mad, mister. It’s disgusting, I tell ya. I’m disillusioned (have you been dis-illusioned yet?). It’s freakin’ UN climate summits like these that give global warming a bad name.

“Climate change itself is changing — from an existential danger to civilization into an opportunity for profit.”

Americans caught reflecting Germany’s critical media views

In an embarrassing embarrassment following Wikileaks’ leak of leaked US despatches, US diplomats in Germany have been caught making the very same derisive remarks about leading German politicians that Germany’s critical media makes.

Among other shocking revelations, it was revealed that US officials see Angela Merkel as being someone who “avoids risk,” Guido Westerwelle as being “arrogant” and Wolfgang Schäuble as being “an angry old man.”

“This is all just too embarassing to even describe,” said one anonymous high-level American diplomat wearing a brown paper bag over his head. “The leaking the leak part was bad enough, but to be caught red-handed like this expressing the very same views about German leaders that Germans themselves hold of them is just like, I dunno, I’m just so ashamed. And not worthy. But that’s not an official statement or anything. And turn that camera and mike off already, will ya?”

Street View Egging Update

No good “anti-privacy vandals,” egging Street View opt-out homes like that.

It’s folks like this (the vandals, not them there folks up there) that give Street View a bad name in this country. Other than Google itself, I mean.

And the latest bizarre German Street View shot? How about this one: Capturing the birth of a baby on a street in a Berlin suburb, “although there are question-marks over the veracity of the incident.”

“We respect people’s right to remove their house from Street View and by no means consider this to be acceptable behaviour,” a Google spokesperson said.

Who’s clueless now?

“About two weeks ago, Germany’s finance minister described U.S. economic policy as “clueless.” We don’t want to sound childish…

But after yet another bailout for an insolvent European country – about $137 billion for Ireland – we are inclined to ask: If the United States is clueless, what does that make Germany? The de facto leader of the crisis-ridden, 16-nation eurozone, Berlin has not performed its role brilliantly over the past year.”

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Fehlalarm des Tages (false alarm of the day):  A suitcase at the Düsseldorf Main Station.

“Rebound” time?

For years, Germany did little to stem the flow of its nationals to jihad training camps, believing its decision not to participate in the war in Iraq meant it was off the jihadist radar-screen.

Western intelligence officers who met with their German counterparts after 9/11 say they received lectures about the country’s determination not to sacrifice civil liberties in the fight against terror.

The key members of the jihad cell now thought to be plotting attacks on Germany were recruited from a Hamburg mosque were 9/11 hijacker Mohammad Atta used to pray. The mosque was closed down after the 9/11 attacks, but then allowed to reopen (until they closed it down for good waaay later-blogger’s note).

That decision was an error.”

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But now for something completly different–the latest episode in the ongoing German Street View Saga: German Google fans are now throwing eggs at the pixelated homes (the real ones) of Germans who had decided to opt out of Street View. Never a dull moment around here I tell ya.