German Men Practically As Good As German Women

When it comes to Olympic soccer gold, I mean.

Soccer

Neymar scored the deciding spot kick in a riveting penalty shootout to give Brazil its first Olympic championship in men’s soccer at the Rio Games on Saturday. The host nation won the shootout 5-4 after goalkeeper Weverton blocked Nils Petersen’s fifth-round penalty to keep it at 4-4.

Germans Pissed Off At Smiling Olympic Athletes

Who lose, I mean.

Sieg

The nerve or something. “The Hahner twins Lisa and Anna ended their Olympic marathon race more than 21 minutes behind the winner and more than 15 minutes on their best performance, in position 81 and 82. It looked as though they completed a fun run and not an Olympic race.”

You’re supposed to win, verdammt (dammit)! Stomp the opponent under your Nikes or whatever Olympic athletes wear at a time like this and NOT come across the finish line holding hands and, well, smiling. It’s attitudes like these that make the Olympics seem as if it were supposed to be some kind of an uplifting experience, symbolizing the joy of participating and sharing, a rare occasion when all of humanity comes together as one. You know, fantasy stuff like that.

You want some German of the day, ladies? How about Sieg? You make us Sieg to our stomachs just looking at you. Losers!

“Number 81 and 82 was definitely not what we had hoped for. Whether we are satisfied? No. But crossing the finish line was nevertheless one of our greatest sporting moments.”

German Of The Day: Butt and Fuchs

Butt is a short form for halibut (although in this case it’s just somebody’s name). Fuchs means fox. Not like anybody cares here.

Butt

Linus Butt and Florian Fuchs were part of a German team that destroyed their Canadian opponents 6-2 in a group stage fixture on Saturday in Rio de Janeiro.

Footage shows the two men standing standing with their backs to the camera during the game with the surnames on their shirts side-by-side.

But Twitter immediately reacted with one user, Kris Kristensen, posting the image along with the caption: ‘This one’s for the 12 year old in all of us.’

German Olympic Chief Shocked That Russian Athletes Dope

Systematically, I mean.

A German broadcast alleging the Russian state helped cover-up sports doping has been described as “shocking” by German Olympic sports head Michael Vesper.

Dope

In all fairness, however, it should be noted that Mr. Vesper was also shocked to find out that Bill Gates is rich, the Pope is a Catholic and bears shit in the woods. Like, uh, what kind of dope is this guy on? And where can I get some?

“Ich finde den Film schockierend. Er zeigt: Doping zerstört das Ansehen des Sports, das Vertrauen in den Sport, die Werte des Sports und die Sportler, die es nehmen.”

Olympia Opponents Worried Berlin Too Poor (But Sexy) To Pay

Germans in general are famous for being against stuff that isn’t even there to be against yet. But Berliners in particular take it up a notch and like being against the very thought of the idea of the stuff that isn’t even there to be against yet.

Olympia

Take Berlin’s candidacy for the 2024 Olympic Games, for instance. The one that hasn’t even been applied for yet, I mean. A group calling itself NOlympia is absolutely against this non-candidacy business because the non-application itself would cost a whopping 50 million euros alone. Once it were to be a real application, I mean.

And that would only be the start, people. The Olympics here would be an economic catastrophe, meltdown, debacle, or cataclysm even. Like the finances in Berlin are already, for instance. Sure, Berlin may be able to afford an 850 quadrazillion euro airport that still hasn’t been built yet but 50 million for the chance to have your town host the Olympics is absolutely out of the question for anyone out there with even just a little bit of common economic sense.

Do you have any idea what the Olympics would do to the real estate prices in this city, for instance? That’s right. It would increase the value of real estate in Berlin dramatically. And what city could possibly want something like that to happen?

No, no, no. It’s better to say no first and ask questions later. We no what we are doing and there’s no time to lose. Just say no. No tengo dinero. No we can’t already!

“Der olympische Spitzensport lässt sich nicht ökologisch oder nachhaltig bewerten.”

International Olympic Committee To Disqualify All East German Olympic Medals

Just kidding.

The Limpics.

That the IOC seems determined to find a way to strip Armstrong’s time trial medal prompted Bill Mallon, one of the world’s leading Olympic historians, to ask in an email why the Olympic officials can’t do it for the medals won by doped East German athletes.  

It’s a good question.  

There actually is more documented evidence of East German doping than there is of Armstrong’s.  The Stasi (East German secret police) files opened after the 1989 fall of the Berlin Wall gave names, dates, and dosages, implicating many East German Olympic medalists from 1972 through 1988.

It’s Better To Have Come In Ninth Than Never To Have Come In At All

The agony of defeat, or something (when people who are supposed to win lose – just ask Michael Phelps).

Wanting to keep a little reserve on the first day of Olympic competition, Germany’s swimmin’ women missed out on a spot in the women’s 4x100m freestyle final with the ninth fastest/slowest time.

Germans just aren’t good at being reserved, I guess.

“Es ist ja nicht so, dass wir mit solch einem Ergebnis gerechnet haben und machen jetzt alle einfach weiter.”

Heul doch!

“He who bids and heuls away, may live to bid another day.”

Thousands of people jeered in Munich when the International Olympic Committee’s decision to select Pyeongchang of South Korea over the German city as the host of the 2018 Winter Olympics was announced on Wednesday.

Heul doch , Heul doch!
wenn du damit fertig bist dan bitte geh doch
was,was,was,was wilst du noch?

German can`t understand anti-doping officials` thoroughness

Their thoroughness when it comes to her, I mean. Two-time gold winner German biathlete Magdalena Neuner is mad as hell and isn`t going to take it anymore.

“You really get examined and tested around here all the freakin’ time. Like four or five or six times a day already, or at least I do. And this part about having to get undressed each time like that.  I just don’t get it. None of the other ahtlete girls have to do that. The hell with this. I’m outta here.”

The 23-year-old hotshot unexpectedly pulled out of the biathlon team relay competition on Monday.