Tag Archives: Satire

My Big Fat Greek Divorce

September 12, 2011 By in Heconomy, Helplessness Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“To stabilize the euro, there can no longer be any taboos. That includes, if necessary, an orderly bankruptcy of Greece.”

You know, like an “orderly” divorce? Only this time nobody is getting the house because there’s no house to get (unless a house of cards counts).

It is not clear who is in the stronger position in the latest round of brinkmanship between Greece and the German bloc. If pushed too far, Greece can set off a powderkeg. The International Monetary Fund says European banks are highly vulnerable and need to raise their capital by €200bn. Many of the weakest are in Germany.

Is it Newspeak or Newsspeak?

September 10, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The Fukushima worst case scenario has now actually happened, in Germany. And the Fukushima worst case scenario is that the Fukushima worst case scenario never happened. Sometimes the truth raises it’s ugly and pointy little head, even here. Only for a second or two, but still.

I read the news today, oh boy. And not that any of you out there really care or anything, but I discovered that even journalists with the best of politically correct intentions can screw up from time to time. In this case it was in a Zeit article entitled Stress und Strahlung (Stress and Radiation) by Hans Schuh*. It was about how, well, something called “psychosocial stress” resulting from the Fukushima incident will now be producing more victims than the radiation did (I think he meant in Japan because psychosocial stress victims have been dropping like flies here in Germany for months now).

Like duh, Hans. Something has to produce victims when the “Super-GAU” everyone was banking on never materialized, right?

My favorite line in the article: In hindsight it has been revealed that with regard to one aspect of the accident’s occurance the world community (he actually means Germany here, of course) was taken in by an error: The “worst case scenario in the fuel cooling basin” never took place.

I’ve got to know, folks: How on earth did this ever get past the Brain Police?

I know how. “The people” will automatically understand that the worst case scenario took place anyway, sort of, irgendwie. They have long been aware of the fact that their reality must be made to comply with your/our ideologically motivated fear agenda, so it ain’t no big thing, this one little slip-up. This type of thing only makes Newspeak stronger, I think, although I can’t claim to be fluent in it yet myself.

Im Rückblick offenbart sich auch, dass die Weltgemeinde in Bezug auf das Unfallgeschehen zumindest in einem Punkt einem Irrtum aufgessen ist: Der “GAU im Abklingbecken”, der global Schlagzeilen machte fand gar nicht statt.”

* You won’t be finding this article online for some reason. I guess it’s not fit for the masses just yet.

News Alert! Here’s the article after all. They publish these online a little later, I guess.

New Angst Study Producing More New Angst

September 9, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

A new study from the R+V Insurance Company (hmmm, an insurance company) indicates that Germans have a whole new list of things to scare the Hosen off them that they didn’t have last year. Is there a pattern developing here or something?

Some of this year’s top favorites (so far) are ecological catastrophes (a perennial hit), the “super worst case scenario” that took place after the earthquake in Japan, the so-called EHEC scandal (go organic sprouts!) and those bloody and yucky revolts still going on down there in the Arabian World.

But what really scares them most is, well, their money. Or the thought of losing it, I should say. Along with their fear of rising energy costs (hmmm, where might those rising energy costs be coming from?), over 70 percent of Germans asked are scared to death of the imminent bankruptcy of a few of them there EU countries down south which will cost the German taxpayer dearly.

Hey. No angst, no fun.

70 Prozent der Deutschen befürchten, dass die drohende Pleite einiger EU-Länder den deutschen Steuerzahler teuer zu stehen kommt – keine Angst erreichte 2011 höhere Werte.

Nix Beer Bikes Mehr?

September 8, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Munich and Düsseldorf have clearly overstepped their legal boundries by placing a ban on beer bikes on the grounds that they are obnoxious, which they are, and is the point, but still.

According to Article 1 of the 1968 Vienna Convention on Road Traffic drafted by the United Nations, a bike or cycle is “any vehicle which has at least two wheels and is propelled solely by the muscular energy of the persons on that vehicle, in particular by means of pedals or handcranks.” And there’s not a word in there about beer, is there? So what’s the deal?

“The world is calling for the abolition of these pedalling village idiots.”

Pluralis Majestatis

September 7, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Assange HIMSELF just spoke in Berlin (at the Consumer Electronics Unlimited, or IFA), sort of.

Although why he would be asked to speak (via satellite) at an electronics fair is unclear to me, unless it’s to show off that snappy new electronic ankle monitor he is wearing.

But seriously folks, even über popstars (popüberstars?) who speak in the majestic plural while being held under house arrest for, uh, something, I forget (we all do), can contribute greatly to our über pop culture in an über dimensional way, I guess. One just has to be über enough.

And he is, I’m told, and this was it (his über contribution): “We present the truth to the public. We must know how the world functions. We must be clever and brave enough (brave new world enough?) to uncover conspiracies.”

And we must be ready and willing to irresponsibly endanger the lives of other people just to feed our way gone out of control egos for our own sake, ahmen, because we are, after all, nothing but a bunch of insufferable assholes.

“Dass sie ihn wie einen Popstar behandeln, nervt.”

Two Speeds for Saving Europe: Slow and Slower

September 6, 2011 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Breaking up is hard to do. But it’s about freakin’ time already, don’t you think?

Now that it is becoming clearer and clearer that the euro crisis is not going to get fixed with the institutions at hand and the will that isn’t, Chancellor Merkel HERSELF has finally had enough and appears ready to do the one thing that will finally make everyone out there happy: Create new institutions and a “two-speed Europe” that won’t work either, but still.

What this means is, uh, I’m not sure really (can someone out there please explain this plan to me?), but I think it means creating something called a “core Europe” (the countries that haven’t filed for bankruptcy yet) run by Germany and then a “rotten to the core Europe” (all the other loser countries that nobody wants anymore) run by nobody. I mean, running on empty.

This won’t really solve anything, of course, but it’s an elegant European way of tossing in the towel and passing the buck on to someone else, in this case someone with absolutely no accountability who nobody out there has ever even heard of before: European Council President Herman Van Rompuy.

Are we having late Roman decadence yet? This divide and conquer stuff, I mean divide and save, makes me wonder sometime.

Van Rompuy doesn’t seek the limelight and enjoys writing haikus about nature in his free time.

Where was WikiLeaks here?

September 5, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

When you need them (not), I mean. German spies working with Gadaffi?

A former senior German official has said that his country’s intelligence services had cooperated with Muammar Gaddafi’s spy network for several years.

“It revolved mainly around information about the fight against terrorism and therefore Germany’s security interests,” said Bernd Schmidbauer, former coordinator of the German secret services.

Oh. Well, then that’s OK, I guess. Carry on or something.

However, he stressed that Germany did not carry out joint operations with the Libyan spies, as the British and American intelligence services appear to have done.

 

Throw that first stone!

September 4, 2011 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

And kick him when he’s down, Germany. Our Guido. I mean, your Guido.

He really screwed up with Libya, didn’t he? But Josef Joffe from Die Zeit makes a few points y’all seem to have forgotten about:

“Those who are kicking away at Guido W. now have forgotten three things. First of all, that he exercised the will of the government in the Security Counsel (with the abstention), also that of the Chancellor. Secondly, he articulated the will of the people as reflected in the polls taken. According to a Stern survey taken on March 16, practically the entire German population – 88 percent! – was against a German military operation; a third did not even want a flying ban. So whoever appreciated the government’s ‘preemptive obedience’ regarding the nuclear phase-out ought not to judge so harshly when it comes to populism in foreign policy.

After two lost world wars the German loves the thought of getting involved in another one about as much as the twice-burned child. That explains, thirdly, why SPD caucus leader Steinmeier saw the Security Councel vote as ‘understandible and reasonable.’ That’s why SPD party leader Gabriel could ‘understand’ Westerwelle (Green Trittin could too, but that isn’t mentioned here). Of course politicians can, must, change their minds, but this damned Internet never forgets anything.”

I guess 88 percent of the Germans who were behind Westerwelle a month ago have suffered 100 percent memory loss now. But believe me folks, Germans are always 88 percent behind/against everything (and the memory loss always plays an important role here). That’s just what they do. And in the US? I don’t think you could get 88 percent of the population to agree on getting free beer for life.

Valide waren auch Westerwelles Argumente. Er hat aber trotzdem gesündigt, indem er so geredet hat, wie Regierung und Opposition dachten und das Volk fühlte. Das verzeihen wir ihm nicht.

A New Currency Order

September 1, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Are we having a Reichseuro yet?

“Conceived as a tool for integrating Germany into Europe, and preventing Germans from dominating others, it (the euro) has become the opposite.”

Germany’s neighbors and allies are growing increasingly concerned about Berlin’s foreign policy direction. Some even fear that efforts to export its fiscal ideas could mean the prosperous country has lost sight of the European idea. Or worse yet, that it wants to dominate the currency union.

You will save until it hurts, I tell you! Sign ze papers old man!

Speaking of taxes…

August 31, 2011 By in Habitudes, Heconomy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

We have now reached the point where folks volunteer, plead to be taxed.

A group of 50 rich Germans has joined the ”tax me harder” movement by renewing their open call to Angela Merkel to ”stop the gap between rich and poor getting even bigger.”

Sure, these particular folks have money to burn. Unfortunately, the taxation never stops with them and does absolutely nothing to fill this “gap” they pretend to worry about. How does giving your money-to-burn to the state so it can burn it for you change anything?

”None of us are in Buffett’s or Bettencourt’s league, most of our wealth is inherited. But we have more money than we need.”

“Imagine that a genie magically appeared and offered to grant you one wish – and, being a decent sort, you wished that everyone’s income would be doubled. That could bring down on you the wrath of the political left, because it would mean that the gap between the rich and the poor had widened. That is basically their complaint against the American economy.”