German Of The Day: Nichts klappt

That means nothing works. Or how about “failed State?” That means failed state. You know, like the failed city-state of Berlin?

Palmer

When the prominent Mayor of Tübingen Boris Palmer (Greens) has to come to Berlin for business he says to himself “Watch out, you are now leaving the functioning part of Germany.” He just can’t deal with the mix of crime, drug dealing and bitter poverty confronting him here on the street. “I don’t want to have these conditions in Tübingen,” he says.

Don’t worry. You never will. And you’re right, of course. Nothing works here in Berlin. But isn’t that the point? Oddly, for whatever the reason (decades of SPD-Green-Left Party mismanagement at city hall? Half the population being on welfare?) nobody in Berlin seems to care. And sheesh. In all fairness, this guy has clearly never been to an American city.

Berlin, ein „failed State“? Irgendwie schon, so Tübingens Oberbürgermeister Boris Palmer. Die Mischung aus Kriminalität, Drogenhandel und bitterer Armut auf der Straße verunsichere ihn als Baden-Württemberger nachhaltig.

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German Of The Day: Tapfer

That means brave or valiant. Yeah, here’s to you tapfer drug dealers hanging out in the parks of Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg.

Drugs

Only in Berlin, folks. No joke: Somebody over at that district’s museum of local history has set up an exhibition honoring the “undaunted” criminal African drug dealers who carry out their illegal trade despite the slings and arrows of outreageous fortune they are forced to endure like… I dunno. Being pursued by the cops for breaking the law?

Oh yeah, and there’s racism involved, too (there always is). These guys are “in the spotlight of racist animosity” and are the “scapegoats for collective hate” because all they want to do is sell illegal drugs and the system won’t let them do it. Oppression everywhere you look these days, I tell you.

This is an outrage, damn it! That something like this exhibition is possible and it isn’t even meant to be a joke, I mean. Or is it? The more I read this the less sure about it I am.

„Drogendealer leisten einen gesellschaftlich wertvollen und von vielen Menschen geschätzten Dienst – und zwar dort, wo sie gut zu erreichen sind: mitten im Bezirk, vor allem in den Parks.“

PS: Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg is a so-called red-red-green district governed by the Greens, the SPD and the Left Party. Just in case you were wondering.

Drug Snugglers Getting Trickier All The Time

I mean smugglers.

Drugs

OK. So like how did that customs dude at Frankfurt Airport determine that there are two silicon implants filled with cocaine in there (500 grams each)?

He must have been given a hot tip. Although any boob could see that those were loaded. I guess she got busted.

Die „Bild“ berichtet über den skurrilen Fund der Zollbeamten. Demnach sei die Frau schon auf dem zehnstündigen Flug aus Südamerika nach Frankfurt wegen ihrer enormen Oberweite aufgefallen.

Speaking Of Driving…

I don’t think the question they should be asking here is “What is driving Angela Merkel?

Merkel

It ought to be “What kind of industrial strength hallucinogenics is she on at the moment and where can I get some, please?” Let’s face it, folks. Whatever that stuff is it’s working REAL GOOD.

Or maybe they’re just really, really, really strong sedatives?

Chancellor Angela Merkel spent a decade amassing political capital. Now, with the refugee crisis showing no signs of abating, she has decided to spend it. With her legacy in the balance, she has finally found an issue to fight for. But why now?

This Gives “Please Keep Off The Grass” A Whole New Meaning

More budding crime in Kreuzberg. I bet the Greens planted this stuff. Or maybe some other dope. What a bunch of crackpots.

Pot

Kreuzberg is a really seedy district, you know. And these weren’t even potted plants. They just found this stuff among the weeds.  I tell you, this town is really going to pot…

I got a million of ’em, folks!

Dass in Berlin-Kreuzberg öffentlich ein Joint geraucht wird, ist nichts Besonderes. Aber bei mehreren hundert Cannabis-Pflanzen auf einer öffentlichen Grünanlage wird dann selbst in Berlin die Polizei aktiv.

Even The Germans Are Figuring Out That ADHD Is A Hoax

The use of Ritalin for ADHD (ADHS in German) in Germany is now sinking for the first time in 20 years. And this despite the fact that more and more adults are now using it.

ADHS

German families and even German doctors themselves are now coming to the shocking conclusion that not every German child with the fictitious disease needs to be prescribed a real medicine for it. So like, what do they do now? And how are they going to break it to the kids?

Some sociologists consider ADHD to be an example of the medicalization of deviant behavior, or in other words, the turning of the previously non medical issue of school performance into a medical one.

“ADHD is a prime example of a fictitious disease.”

ALDI?

As in ALDI drugs you want?

ALDI

Workers at five stores in and around Berlin were surprised to find cocaine packed into crates of bananas on Monday. Olaf Schremm, the head of Berlin’s anti-drugs squad said the crates had come from Colombia via the German port of Hamburg and the discovery was “pure chance”.

140 Kilo Kokain wurden in Aldi-Filialen in Berlin sowie in Velten (Oberhavel) entdeckt. Das Rauschgift war in Bananenkisten verpackt. Den Ermittlern zufolge handelt es sich um den größten Berliner Drogenfund seit Jahren.

Poor But Sexy But Stoned

Actually, depending upon who you choose to believe, Berlin isn’t nearly as poor but sexy as it used to be.

Pot

But that still leaves the stoned part (he said leaves). Talk about that counterculture paradise we were addressing yesterday. Councillors in Berlin Friedrichshain-Kreuzberg have now voted to launch the city’s/country’s first cannabis cafe in their district. See what happens.

I had no idea you could drink the stuff in your coffee, though.

German law prohibits the public sale of narcotics, but exceptions are possible “for scientific or other purposes in the public interest”.

Every German Drinks 137 Liters Of Alcohol And Smokes 1008 Cigarettes

Not all at once, however. They mean on average.

Meth

But don’t be alarmed. These numbers are bound to drop soon because crystal meth is getting more and more popular here all the time, too.

Der Stoff macht aggressiv, fördert die Gewaltbereitschaft, kann zu Wahnvorstellung führen und endet mitunter im Suizid. Vor allem macht die Droge sehr schnell psychisch abhängig.

This Just In: The Taliban Is Violent And Yucky

Infidel is in, again. Or at least it is for the 27-year-old German who had travelled to Waziristan with his wife intending to free the area from the “infidel occupiers” after they had converted to Islam.

He has now returned to Germany because, well, he was “disheartened by the violence and annoyed with the group’s macho and drug-taking world.”

The former fighter also complained of the unhygienic conditions in the war-torn lands of Pakistan’s Waziristan province and Afghanistan that left him infected with hepatitis, and which were, in his opinion, “incompatible with the teachings of the Koran”.

Holy crap. The Taliban is violent? Wow, like nobody had told me about that either, dude. We feel your pain (in the ass). So welcome back to the real, as in infidel world.