German Man Caught Impersonating A Cardinal After Other German Man Caught Impersonating A Pope

OK, OK. The German Pope dude actually was a Pope but he did that typical German Frührente (early retirement) thing that Popes don’t normally do so technically speaking you could be a real devil advocating jerk if you wanted to be and claim that the guy never was a real Pope in the first place (and no, of course I’m not Catholic and yes, I clearly don’t have the slightest idea what I’m talking about here – except for that Frührente part).


As for the Cardinal dude, I think he looked rather convincing while hanging out with several unsuspecting eminences in Rome the other day. Except for the sneakers he was wearing, maybe. And his crucifix, which was too short, or so I’m told. And his sash turned out to be just a purple scarf. But still. The Cardinal question here is, well, is not having a life something you can actually make your living at?

He was thrown out by the Swiss Guard after someone noticed his crucifix was too short and his sash was just a purple scarf.

Pope Latest Victim In Never-Ending German Plagiarism Scandal(s)

Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world by resigning today following allegations in Berlin that his entire bibliography had been plagiarized.


This is now the four-hundred-and-forty-seventh time in the past two years that a high-ranking German politician and/or Pope has been forced to quit over accusations of cheating on doctoral dissertations and/or religious meditations.

“Wow. We’ve had ministers resign here right and left, like freakin’ flies,” one source near Chancellor Angela Merkel’s government said. “But a Pope? Holy Moley!”

“I’ve accepted his resignation heavy-heartedly,” Ms. Merkel is said to have said.

Dumb Broad Talking

Or was it Dead Man Walking?

A favorite tactic of left-wing wanna-be moralists everywhere (and of those flashy Hollywood types in particular), fading actress-with-a-cause-but-I-forget-which-one-it-is-this-week Susan Sarandon successfully boosted relations with her public and her vaunted sense of self by tossing around Nazi analogies at Pope Benedict XVI over the weekend. The current Pope is German, you see. And old. Get it?

And being a good Catholic girl who played a well-known nun in a film called Dead Man Walking way back when in 1995, when Christ was a corporal, she certainly shows that she knows what she is not talking about (knows what she is not talking about?).

Some, however, believe that she might actually be “ignorant” of lots and lots of things, which can’t really be though, can it?

“No, the last one. Not this Susan Sarandon we have now.”

Pope Too Religious For Germans

Always talking about spiritual renewal, faith, the heart, love, apostles, saints and stuff like that, many German Catholics were clearly disappointed with Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to his homeland over the weekend.

“It’s like an obsession with this guy or something,” one irritated non-churchgoer said. “All he ever talks about is freakin’ religion. He didn’t bring up sexual abuse, abortion, celibacy or letting women become priests once. Boring. I thought he’d never leave.”

The pope drew hundreds of thousands of German faithful to services held on stops during his trip, including a final Mass early Sunday that attracted about 100,000 people to an airfield beside Freiburg’s airport.