My Pope Can Beat Up Your Pope

Germans everywhere seem to be particularly nervous today for some reason. Somebody told me  it might have something to do with soccer. And Argentina.

Nervous

I’d be nervous then, too. Each team has a pope in the corner.

My the best pope win.

For the first time ever, the two teams facing each other in the World Cup final will each have a living pope in their corner: Pope Francis’ Argentina against Pope Emeritus Benedict’s Germany.

Germans Wrestling With Unresolvable Guilt After Annihilating Brazil

After a devastating 7-1 victory over Brazil, and with World Cup domination possibly just one small step around the corner, Germans everywhere have instinctively begun flagellating themselves with guilt and remorse in a futile attempt to come to grips with the responsibility they feel for the soccer atrocities committed in their name last night.

Soccer

“4-0 would have been enough,” a spokesman for the shamed German people said.

“This victory is too high,” another disturbed German tweeted. “Shame. Compassion for humiliated opponent. Quickly to bed.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel caught the mood with typical understatement. “I think it almost deserves the name ‘historic,” she said.

With Victories Like This You Don’t Need Any Defeats

Ende gut, alles gut. All’s well that ends well. But the Germans sure didn’t look like they were feeling very well while playing Algeria yesterday.

Algeria

Would you rather we played beautiful football but got knocked out?

PS: Good luck with Belgium, OOZA!

Germany’s Germans Better Than Amerika’s Germans

Germans Say. Those soccer playing German-American Germans on the American team, I mean. The German-German Germans are more German-like or something. Gee, I never really thought about that before but that really makes sense.

Football

And that’s why they just had to win last Thursday. And did, of course. But we should gönne (grant) them that and not begrudge them just because we as “Americans want to win everything.” Real Germans don’t want to win everything, I can only assume, and therefore the least the rest of us as in U.S. (and the rest of the world) can do is to finally let them win the World Cup for once already for crying out loud. Or for the third or fourth time now, I forget.

“The US has everything. Hollywood, money, weapons, let us have at least football.”

This Is Getting Out Of Hand

How to Skip Work to Watch U.S. vs. Germany?

World Cup

What has happened to our country, people? The next thing you know we’ll be joining unions to push for turning up late to work after World Cup games that begin after ten at night. Like certain other countries do, I mean.

Go US-Amerikaner!

As If Nazi Streakers At World Cup Games Weren’t Bad Enough

And they are.

Nazi

The Beatles themselves are now being forced to sing in German for Adolf Hitler.

In a controversial new computer game thingy, I mean.

“It was very important to us to create a credible soundtrack for Wolfenstein. We wanted to capture the tone of this alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II.”