Tag Archives: World Cup

Germans Wrestling With Unresolvable Guilt After Annihilating Brazil

July 9, 2014 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, History, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

After a devastating 7-1 victory over Brazil, and with World Cup domination possibly just one small step around the corner, Germans everywhere have instinctively begun flagellating themselves with guilt and remorse in a futile attempt to come to grips with the responsibility they feel for the soccer atrocities committed in their name last night.

Soccer

“4-0 would have been enough,” a spokesman for the shamed German people said.

“This victory is too high,” another disturbed German tweeted. “Shame. Compassion for humiliated opponent. Quickly to bed.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel caught the mood with typical understatement. “I think it almost deserves the name ‘historic,” she said.

With Victories Like This You Don’t Need Any Defeats

July 1, 2014 By in Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Ende gut, alles gut. All’s well that ends well. But the Germans sure didn’t look like they were feeling very well while playing Algeria yesterday.

Algeria

Would you rather we played beautiful football but got knocked out?

PS: Good luck with Belgium, OOZA!

Germany’s Germans Better Than Amerika’s Germans

June 29, 2014 By in High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Germans Say. Those soccer playing German-American Germans on the American team, I mean. The German-German Germans are more German-like or something. Gee, I never really thought about that before but that really makes sense.

Football

And that’s why they just had to win last Thursday. And did, of course. But we should gönne (grant) them that and not begrudge them just because we as “Americans want to win everything.” Real Germans don’t want to win everything, I can only assume, and therefore the least the rest of us as in U.S. (and the rest of the world) can do is to finally let them win the World Cup for once already for crying out loud. Or for the third or fourth time now, I forget.

“The US has everything. Hollywood, money, weapons, let us have at least football.”

This Is Getting Out Of Hand

June 25, 2014 By in High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

How to Skip Work to Watch U.S. vs. Germany?

World Cup

What has happened to our country, people? The next thing you know we’ll be joining unions to push for turning up late to work after World Cup games that begin after ten at night. Like certain other countries do, I mean.

Go US-Amerikaner!

As If Nazi Streakers At World Cup Games Weren’t Bad Enough

June 22, 2014 By in Helplessness, High Art, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

And they are.

Nazi

The Beatles themselves are now being forced to sing in German for Adolf Hitler.

In a controversial new computer game thingy, I mean.

“It was very important to us to create a credible soundtrack for Wolfenstein. We wanted to capture the tone of this alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II.”

This Guy Is As American As Apfelkuchen

June 20, 2014 By in High Art, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

You know, apple pie?

Brooks

Good luck on Thursday, US-Amerikaner! Thanks for the link, Joe.

Though German by birth, Brooks’ American nationality has always been a significant part of his background. His father is from Illinois and was stationed in Germany when he served in the U.S. Army. Brooks is close with his father (who now lives in Switzerland) and traveled back to the United States to visit family during his youth.

Growing up in Berlin, Brooks was enrolled in the John F. Kennedy school for American children living in Germany. Until the sixth grade, he only spoke English in school and most of his childhood friends were American.