Germans at 87%

September 16, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Obama, Satire Leave a comment

My, this really is significant. The Germans have finally come down from the mid to high 90s (no, not the temperature – or not precisely, anyway). I mean the Obama Worship Index or whatever the hell you call it. The rest of Europe brings the average down a bit lower to 78%, but still.

Wow. Who would have ever thought that? Finally, a real news item. The survey says: “Obama far more popular in Europe than America.” I had no idea. Uh, been there, done that, haven’t we?

And of course there are bound to be reasons for why this is so back home, but nobody over here would be particularly interested in those reasons because, well, “Obama far more popular in Europe than America.” And the bad stuff can still be attributed to Bush anyway, right? I don’t believe that there’s a statute of limitations on that one.

Obama’s approval rating stands at an enviable 78% among them, compared to a more mediocre 52% among the US public.

Jubiläumswiesnbier?

September 15, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, History, Home Cooking Tags: Beer, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Oktoberfest, Satire Leave a comment

Go ahead. Say that ten times really fast.

My oh my, it seems just like yesterday that the Oktoberfest began. 200 years ago, I mean.

And to honor this hallowed event, and to be able to charge even more than usual for the stuff, six rival Bavarian breweries are calling a beer truce to brew a speciel brew in beer-heavenly peace and love and justice together forever amen; that there Jubiläumswiesnbier thing mentioned up there.

The top-secret recipe being used will produce an “amber-colored special beer full-bodied in taste with a flowery malt aroma” and a beer, with an alcohol content of 6 percent, that’ll also knock your Ding in the dirt. But it’s all in the name of tradition, people, OK? Like, it took 200 years to get here, you know?

Even though the Oktoberfest tradition is 200 years old this year, the festival is only being held for the 177th time because it was cancelled on 24 occasions in times of war and during two cholera outbreaks in the 19th century.

“Thank you for travelling with Deutsche Bahn”

September 13, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness Tags: Berlin, English, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Language, Satire 1 Comment

And now, for the rest of you out there rolling your eyes at the conductor’s English, he’ll start speaking your lingo again. And he won’t have to sound so friendly-like all the time either.

Everyone is relieved it seems (me included) at the Bahn’s plan to reduce the number of their annoying announcements – in English. They will now only be, uh, announcing them on trains and at stations where international travellers are more likely to be (so they can better figure out together what the hell it was the announcer just said?). They won’t be talking English at folks on trains going to Kleksdorf or Entenhausen anymore, in other words.

It’s not so much that these folks don’t always speak English that well you know, it’s just that they won’t stop speaking it. Back to the future, I say – I mean past, at last.

Eingeführt hatte der bundeseigene Konzern die englischen Durchsagen – über deren Aussprache sich manch ein Passagier auch amüsierte – auf Schienen und an größeren Stationen 2006 zur Fußball-Weltmeisterschaft in Deutschland.

Flying stones gather no moss

September 6, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes Tags: Anarchy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Hamburg, Humor, Satire, Terror Leave a comment

Who needs Hamburg Islamists to stage daring terrorist acts in Germany when there are plenty of non-Islamic German types out there attacking the country already?

You know the deal, this was another one of those annual fight-the-power-squatter-anarchist-riot-romantic-love-fest things that got out of control again because they always get of control again, this time in Hamburg’s Schanzenviertel after the so-called Schanzenfest. Hey, somebody’s got to do this stuff. Hamburg Islamist or not, I mean.

“Geschlossen gegen Gewalt.”

Shooting yourself in the foot 101

August 31, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, History Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, History, Humor, Satire 1 Comment

It’s become a well-loved custom here, Germany politicians making complete fools of themselves by using completely unnecessary Nazi comparisons and/or terminology that every German third grader knows not to use.

This time it’s the SPD’s Matthias Platzeck (the SPD is really on a role these days) who used the term “annexation” when referring to German reunification, the same word that was used to describe the Nazi takeover of Austria in World War II. Platzeck is from the mystical German East, by the way.

Now everybody’s upset and stuff. Dumb a#!*´s.

“I don’t know what there is to celebrate.”

This gives German unification a whole new meaning

August 30, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, History, Hotness Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Research, Satire, Sex, Sexuality Leave a comment

There’s new research out or something. In a nutshell, it’s let’s talk about sex again. And talk and talk and talk…

“After forty years of separately developed approaches to sexuality, reunified Germans struggled to establish a working moral consensus, a sexual code for the new Germany.”

Huh? If you have to struggle at it, what’s the fun? Whatever.

“We really don’t have more orgasms in the GDR. Not me, anyway, because I have to work up to 12 hours a day and that doesn’t leave much time for love.”

Germans sceptical about delaying discrimination process

August 26, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes Tags: Berlin, Discrimination, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Prejudice, Satire 5 Comments

Chalk it up to German efficiency, but a new pilot program to test anonymized job applications here is being met with great scepticism.

Meant to reduce discrimination against people with immigrant backgrounds, women and others, German employers are clearly disgruntled about having to put off the prejudice until interview time.

Strange, isn’t it? Otherwise fanatical about protecting identities here, when it comes to hiring, German employers just can’t know enough about the applicant.

If you’ve got a name like Mehmet or Neylan, there’s a good chance your application will be answered with a rejection letter.

The economy really must be booming again

August 25, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Humor, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: Berlin, Early Retirement, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Scams 3 Comments

This is by far one of my top five if not my absolute favorite scam here.

Although the political class in Berlin still pretends as if workers in Germany will actually be working until they are 67 in the future before being able to retire here (the system – or the demographics – she is broken, Señor), last year’s Vorruhestand (early retirement) numbers shot up 10,000 over the previous year, making it the highest number of early retirees (171,129) to throw in the towel (early) over the past six years.

Don’t get me wrong, though. These folks had to retire early because they were sick. Honest. No, not sick of working. Most of them had one of those newfangled, you know, psychological-like ailment-type sicknesses. But don’t worry. They’re feeling better already.

Der weitaus größte Teil – rund 64.000 Menschen – habe aufgrund einer psychischen Erkrankung in den vorzeitigen Ruhestand gehen müssen.

Grüne Acres

August 24, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate Tags: Aliens, Berlin, Corn fields, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Swastika 8 Comments

More strange geometric patterns apparently created overnight in German corn fields by, uh, aliens. Or at least by out-of-towners. Or, well, maybe not.

All together now!

“Green Acres is the place to be.
Farm living is the life for me.
Land spreading out so far and wide.
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.”

Sie ist nicht von der These des Bürgermeisters überzeugt, dass es sich bei den Tätern um auswärtige Besucher handeln muss.

Vacation Nation

August 22, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Leave, Satire, Vacation 4 Comments

At least they waited until the vacation season was over. In what can only be seen as an attempt to stage a hilarous end of summer practical joke, the spokeswoman for a small business entrepreneur association has actually suggested that Germans go on vacation too much and that they should cut their annual leave time down from six weeks to four.

Cutting vacation time in Germany? Hardy, har, har. That’s a good one.

Es gibt Themen, bei denen verstehen die Deutschen keinen Spaß.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Habitudes