German Police And Practically Everybody Else Brutalizing Justin Biebers Ex-Monkey

Well I hope you’re satisfied now, Mr. Justin Bieber. Less than 48 hours after being granted German citizenship, Mally the Monkey is now being systematically abused by any German who can get his or her hands or ape hook thingy on him. They feel there are enough Affen (apes or ape-like people) in the country already, you see.


Actually, Germans have a thing with/for Affen. Berlin is full of them, for instance (Peter Fox – Schwarz zu Blau).

The 19-year-old singer has had a string of curious incidents this year: he fainted backstage at a London show, threatened a photographer, and wrote in the Anne Frank House museum’s guestbook that he hoped the teen Holocaust victim “would have been a belieber.” Drugs and a stun gun were also found on a tour bus he had used in Sweden. Earlier this month, Bieber was grabbed by a fan onstage during a concert in Dubai, and thieves in South Africa swiped $330,000 from a safe room in the Johannesburg stadium where he was performing.

Germany’s Crappy Eurovision Song Not Given The Votes It Deserved

Denmark’s Loreen and 19 others sang crappy songs that took in way more votes.


Böse Zungen (malicious tongues) have even suggested that Germany’s crappy Eurovision showing last night might not be entirely the fault of its crappy Cascada entry.

“We are in a difficult situation,” Thomas Schreiber from the ARD TV über-network said. “This is clearly a political situation.”

It wasn’t like Angela Merkel was singing (she might have actually won), but “you also have to see that it wasn’t just Cascada up there, Germany was on stage, too.”

Der ARD-Unterhaltungschef deutet ein Imageproblem in Europa an: “Da stand auch Deutschland auf der Bühne.”

PS: It wasn’t all bad news for Germany this weekend, however. Justin Bieber’s monkey will now become a German citizen.

Justin Bieber To Spank His Monkey

For not having any papers on him after landing in Munich in March. Or he sure would like to spank him now, I bet.


The popular god-awful and astoundingly annoying suckling superstar clearly had no idea that German customs authorities don’t cut slack for anybody, not even for monkeys – or a guy who’s last name means “beaver” in German.

His dumbass animal of a monkey “Mally” is still under animal shelter arrest and won’t be going anywhere until Bieber or an actual grownup get in touch with the German customs authorities directly (that is the custom here) and he’s running out of time fast.

This gives Leave It to Beaver a whole new meaning, if you ask me. Whether he spanks his monkey or not.

“Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver.”