Thirty Minutes

Is that a new record?

Monk

It only took thirty minutes for a fake monk to become this Wiesen season’s first Bierleiche. That’s right. The guy was dressed up like a freakin’ monk. But don’t worry about it. He’s in a better place now.

Der Mann habe eine Mönchskutte getragen, sagte die Sprecherin des Sanitätsdienstes Aicher Ambulanz, Ulrike Krivec. “Wir dachten, dass es ein Mönch ist.” Im Laufe der Behandlung habe sich aber herausgestellt, dass es sich bei dem etwa 50 Jahre alten Wiesngast nicht um einen Ordensmann handelte.

Nobody Has The Intention Of Building A Wall

Like, duh. That’s because it’s already been built.

Wall

A 12-foot high barrier – higher than the Berlin Wall – is being erected in the German city of Munich to protect locals from young refugees who are set to move into the area.

Sie hatten wirklich keine Vorahnung?

Strict German Gun Control Laws Save The Day Again

Without them, this nutcase might have carried out a mass shooting or something.

Munich

To own a semi-automatic 9mm Glock pistol like the kind used in the Munich shootings, a citizen would have had to have been over 18, waited a year for his licence and undergone a psychological evaluation.

He owned it illegally, however. So, like, he’s in BIG trouble with the law now.

Der Deutsch-Iraner nutzte für seine Tat eine 9mm Glock-Pistole. Diese habe der 18-Jährige offenbar illegal besessen, da die Seriennummer der Waffe ausgefeilt war, sagte der Präsident des bayerischen Landeskriminalamts, Robert Heimberger. Eine Erlaubnis für die Waffe besaß der Täter nicht.

PS: We all know what the reaction would have been if this had taken place in Kansas City, folks: Stricter gun control laws would have prevented it. It’s all quite irrational, really.

Evil US-Amerikan-NSA-CIA-Creeps Still Invading German Privacy (Along With Their French Counterparts)

And kept the new year from starting off with a bang in Munich.

Munich

“According to information obtained by the ZEIT the warning was also based upon information that came out of the USA. The French authorities were then of the opinion that these warnings fit the information they themselves had gathered.”

Nach Informationen der ZEIT beruht die Warnung auch auf Informationen, die aus den USA kamen. Die französischen Behörden seien demnach der Ansicht gewesen, dass diese Warnungen zu Informationen passten, von denen sie selbst gehört hätten.

German Of The Day: Bierleiche

That means beer corpse.

Bierleiche

And speaking of the Oktoberfest, some of the best finds at the lost-and-found office this year include:

An electric air pump
A toilet brush
bed linen (from the police union)
650 miscellaneous pieces of clothing
600 ID cards and passports
580 wallets
320 cell phones and
250 key rings

They don’t even count the dentures and the wedding rings anymore, I guess.

And getting back to the beer corpse part up there… This year’s winner got carried away in a stretcher 80 minutes after the festivities began.

Ozapft is!

Migrants To Crash The Oktoberfest ITSELF?

Of all fests? Is nothing heilig anymore? Some folks are already referring to number 182 as the Krisen-Wiesn (crisis Oktoberfest). In your neighborhood tomorrow. If you live in Munich, I mean.

Oktoberfest

On Munich’s main shopping street on Tuesday, women in abayas—the long robes worn by some Muslim women—were studying lederhosen and dirndls—the revealing shorts and dresses traditional in Bavaria—in the shop windows.

“Asylum seekers in particular from Muslim countries aren’t used to encountering heavily drunk people in public. It could get out of hand.”

Das Oktoberfest Hat Begonnen!

O’zapft is!

Munich pukes

Oktoberfest guests probably don’t want to turn up on this site after their visit: “München kotzt” (Munich pukes) documents the low points of the world’s largest Volksfest.

Auf dieser Seite möchte man nach dem Oktoberfest-Besuch lieber nicht auftauchen: “München kotzt” dokumentiert die Tiefpunkte des weltgrößten Volksfestes.

American Archaeologist Adventurer Discovers Secret Nazi Treasure While Searching For Ark Of The Covenant

The art world was stunned yesterday by the discovery in Munich of 1,500 lost works of art by a lone wolf treasure hunting hardboiled detective American patriot archaeologist college professor on a quest, wearing a fedora and carrying a bullwhip.

Art

The mysterious professor, Prof. Dr. Dr. Prof. I. Jones, refused to comment on the find other than to say that his discovery “raises fresh questions about the Nazis’ attitude to the modern art they loved to hate.”

Bei dem spektakulären Kunstfund in München sind 1285 ungerahmte und 121 gerahmte Bilder sichergestellt worden. Darunter befinden sich auch bisher unbekannte Meisterwerke wie ein Selbstbildnis von Dix.

Now Get Out There And Vote!

Bierleiche

German of the day: Bierleiche. This means “beer corpse.” You know, when one of those thirteen beers was bad?

Eineinhalb Stunden nach Beginn des Oktoberfests in München ist die erste Patientin mit Alkoholvergiftung in der Wiesn-Sanitätsstation gelandet – angeblich nach nur einem Bier. Normalerweise kommen die ersten Patienten aber schon früher.

Well You Can Buy Christmas Goodies Here In September, Too

Go to any ALDI or LIDL these days if you don’t believe me (I prefer the Spekulatius myself).

Oktoberfest

So why should it surprise anybody that’s it’s October in September again already, too. Or nearly so. Prepare or be square.

Tip number 1: Go get your Lederhose NOW. Or a Dirndl, if your prefer. The same applies to the girls. Only after having put on one of these will you be able to celebrate the Oktoberfest in a really zünftig (hearty) fashion. And only after having put down two or three liters of Bier too, of course. But that goes without saying.

Nr. 1 – Das richtige Outfit: In Dirndl und Lederhosen feiert es sich einfach am zünftigsten. Diverse Online-Shops bieten eine große Auswahl für „Madln“ (=Mädels) und „Buam“ (=Jungs). Da aber beides perfekt sitzen soll, empfiehlt es sich, das Outfit vor Ort zu kaufen. Ein Tipp für die Damen: wird die Schleife der Dirndl-Schürze rechts gebunden, gilt Frau als vergeben, links bedeutet: „Ich bin noch zu haben.“