First Ten NSA Keywords Leaked

Shocking Spy Skandal Update: Although more than 400,000 NSA keywords and phrases are supposedly still to be found on the computers of the BND – Germany’s zany, madcap spy agency accused of helping that nasty NSA in its sneaky and suspicious snooping activities – very little is known about the nature of these keywords themselves. Up until now, that is.

BND

A corrupt German double agent has just released the first ten for a considerable chunk of baksheesh and an extended vacation stay at an undisclosed location in Florida. They are:

Domina
Dominatrix
Domino’s Pizza
Miley Cyrus
Apple Watch
We Watch
Everybody Watch
What is the Eurovision Song Contest?
What is Conchita Wurst?
Weather

More to follow. If national security permits.

“We are dependent on the NSA, not the other way round.”

But What Does This Guy Know?

China and Russia are the most avid intelligence gatherers in Germany, says Hans-Georg Maassen, head of Germany’s intelligence agency.

Maassen

But like, who cares about that? That’s beside the point or something. We Germans are empört (appalled) about this Skandal (scandal) and we’re going to stay that way, damn it.

Liebe Deutsche, findet euch damit ab, dass ihr ausspioniert werdet!

German Spies Spying For American Spies Shocked To Discover That American Spies Were Actually Of The Spy Variety

After years of close cooperation with the NSA, Germany’s BND has now suddenly reduced this cooperation upon finding out that the information they had been furnishing the NSA with was being used for espionage purposes.

Spies

“Who would have thought that?” asked one high-ranking German spy official with a paper bag on his head. “We all figured that that  list of 40,000 selectors (IP addresses, search terms and names) we at the BND used on behalf of the NSA had some other justification. I dunno. I personally assumed they wanted to order pizza or something. But to go and spy on other folks like that? No way. We don’t want anything to do with that kind of Scheiße.”

It still remains to be seen whether this list can be released, as that depends on what arrangements were made with the US by the then government [of Gerhard Schröder] after the dramatic events of September 11.

Our Espionage Doesn’t Stink

On the one hand, we as German spies only do nice spying and would never spy on friends much less on other other nice Germans like ourselves.

BND

But on the other hand, intelligence agencies are working to ensure the public’s safety and the German government will do everything it can to ensure that it can carry out its job.

“And this ability to carry out its duties in the face of international terrorism threats is done in cooperation with other intelligence agencies, and that includes first and foremost the NSA.”

Deutschland regt sich über eine Spionageaffäre auf. Dabei wäscht seit Jahrzehnten unter den westlichen Diensten eine Hand die andere. Wir sollten endlich realistisch mit dem Thema Sicherheit umgehen.

German Intelligence Insults German Intelligence

When the NSA asks for INFO from the BND they get it ASAP. Or at least they used to.

Intelligence

Germany’s intelligence service, the Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND), has been helping the NSA spy on European politicians and companies for years, according to the German news magazine Der Spiegel. The NSA has been sending lists of “selectors”—identifying telephone numbers, e-mail and IP addresses—to the BND, which then provides related information that it holds in its surveillance databases…

Investigators found that the BND had provided information on around 2,000 selectors that were clearly against European and German interests. Not only were European businesses such as the giant aerospace and defense company EADS, best-known as the manufacturer of the Airbus planes, targeted, so were European politicians—including German ones.

I still can’t figure out where the intelligence part comes in here.

Spiegel Objectivity

Do you remember how “there’s strong, and then there’s Army strong?” It’s the same with objectivity. There’s objectivity, and then there’s Spiegel objectivity. Just ask the Bildzeitung. Hardy, har, har.

NSA

Take the ever-popular NSA hysteria and superhero Edward Snowden HIMSELF. Of the nine (9) authors bringing out their latest shocking reports in the latest shocking Spiegel edition, only three of them actually work for the paper. The other six are well-known and clearly rabid anti-surveillance activists who make no qualms about their feelings for the NSA – and who have also managed to make good money in the process. I mean business.

Here are a few examples: Jacob Appelbaum, author of “Die Freiheit des Internet,” Euro 16.99, Andy Müller-Maguhn, hacker hero and former frontman for the Chaos Computer Club who makes his money as an IT security consultant, Aaron Gibson, salary man for the “Tor Project,”  etc. pp. No conflict of interest here, folks. Other than the vested interest all of them have, Spiegel included, in keeping German hysteria levels at a constant peak, which, as all know who live here, isn’t terribly hard to do. Nice work if you can get it.

Spiegel knows what its readers want before Spiegel readers do. And if Spiegel readers are not absolutely sure what it is they want then they can always find out what that is just by reading the Spiegel.

Als Gibson und Appelbaum im Juli 2014 eine NSA-Geschichte für den NDR recherchierten, legte der NDR diesen Interessenkonflikt offen, schrieb unter der Überschrift „Disclosure“ (Offenlegung), die beiden seien „bezahlte“ Mitarbeiter von Tor. Im „Spiegel“ – kein Wort dazu.

More Awful NSA Spying Being Done On Ahnungslose Germans Again

Only this time it’s being done by the German BND (the German Federal Intelligence Service).

BND

Ahnungslos means unsuspecting, by the way. It can also mean clueless, however. If you know what I’m saying.

The agency, known by its German acronym BND, is normally forbidden from eavesdropping on Germans or German companies. But a former BND lawyer told parliament this week that Germans aren’t protected while working abroad for foreign companies. The government confirmed that work-related calls or emails are attributed to the employer. If the employer is foreign, the BND can intercept them.

This Guy Has Definitely Earned His Mickey Mouse Ears

Edward Snowden, that is. Here in Germany, I mean.

Snowden

In Germany, the new Che Guevara wears glasses instead of a beret, wields a computer rather than a shotgun, and is popping up on the streets of the German capital in graffiti, posters, and T-shirts.

“Friends Don’t Spy On Friends”

Somebody said that once, not all to0 long ago, after some NSA Aufregung (excitement) about something somewhere. I forget where. But I couldn’t agree more. So, uh, where’s the outrage now?

Turkey

Now that Germany’s intelligence agency BND has revealed that NATO ally Turkey is one of five countries it is spying on, I mean.

Outrage won’t be necessary this time, I guess. It appears that Germany is finally coming clean and ready to admit to the world that Turkey has officially reached non-friend status so spying in this case is allowed.

Hey, what goes around comes around.

The news reports (of NSA spying in Germany) outraged Germans, leading to favorable attitudes about the United States falling to their lowest levels in years and creating a public and private sense of mistrust. Merkel has repeatedly called the U.S. spy program a breach of trust and noted that “friends don’t spy on friends.”

German Intelligence Failed To Find Anything Intelligent While Wiretapping Hillary Clinton’s Telephone Conversation

According to a report today in the Süddeutsche Zeitung, the German intelligence service BND listened in on at least one telephone call involving former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton while she was still in office.

Hillary

Not only was the eavesdropping “purely accidental,” an unidentified source told the newspaper, but the conversation was also “one of the stupidest, most inane and brain-dead phone conversations I as a spy have ever had to endure. It got so bad I had to start banging my head against the wall and broke off the connection after three minutes. Laber, laber, laber! It’s like her brain is in neutral or something. And they can’t fire me for this either now because I quit!”

Deutsche Regierungskreise bestreiten allerdings, dass es eine systematische Spionage des BND gegen die USA gibt. Vielmehr sei das Gespräch, das Clinton in ihrer Amtszeit aus einer US-Regierungsmaschine heraus geführt habe, nur zufällig aufgefangen worden.