German Intelligence Failed To Find Anything Intelligent While Wiretapping Hillary Clinton’s Telephone Conversation

August 15, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: BND, Eavesdropping, Espionage, Hillary Clinton, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spying, Wiretapping Leave a comment

According to a report today in the Süddeutsche Zeitung, the German intelligence service BND listened in on at least one telephone call involving former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton while she was still in office.

Not only was the eavesdropping “purely accidental,” an unidentified source told the newspaper, but the conversation was also “one of the stupidest, most inane and brain-dead phone conversations I as a spy have ever had to endure. It got so bad I had to start banging my head against the wall and broke off the connection after three minutes. Laber, laber, laber! It’s like her brain is in neutral or something. And they can’t fire me for this either now because I quit!”

Deutsche Regierungskreise bestreiten allerdings, dass es eine systematische Spionage des BND gegen die USA gibt. Vielmehr sei das Gespräch, das Clinton in ihrer Amtszeit aus einer US-Regierungsmaschine heraus geführt habe, nur zufällig aufgefangen worden.

Der Spiegel Bugs Israel Bugging Kerry Bugging Everybody Else

August 3, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Eavesdropping, Edward Snowden, Espionage, Gaza, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Israel, NSA, Satire Leave a comment

According to secret Spiegel bugging sources, the Israeli intelligence service has bugged telephone conversations made by American Secretary of State John Kerry while he was busy bugging anyone he could find in the Middle East and elsewhere who might possibly be interested in negotiating a peaceful solution to the current Gaza crisis.

Spiegel sources refused to go into detail here but did confirm that all of these telephone calls were very short ones.

Der israelische Geheimdienst hat offenbar Telefonate von US-Außenminister Kerry abgehört. Nach SPIEGEL-Informationen nutzte die Regierung in Jerusalem die so gewonnenen Erkenntnisse bei Verhandlungen zum Nahost-Konflikt.

To Spy Where No German Spy Has Ever Spied Before

July 24, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, CIA, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, USA Leave a comment

Germany is commemorating the first anniversary of US spying revelations by announcing that its spies will now start doing bad things, too. You know, like spying on friendly intelligence agencies who spy on them?

It may take them some time to get going, however, as German intelligence agencies have never ever considered doing such an awful thing before and don’t have much practical experience in this nasty business. German intelligence agencies are more like German social intelligence agencies, you see. They are more adept at effectively negotiating complex social relationships and environments. In the cutthroat international spying community, I mean.

In Zukunft soll die Spionageabwehr auch befreundete Staaten einschließen: Nach Informationen von SZ, NDR und WDR hat sich die Bundesregierung dazu entschlossen, auch amerikanische und britische Geheimdienste auf deutschem Boden zu observieren.

“Typewriter” Just First Step In New Wave Of German Anti-Spy Technologies

July 17, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, CIA, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, NSA, Old Technology, Paranoia, Satire, Spies, Technology, Typewriters 1 Comment

Gripped with paranoia after the shocking discovery that German information is being intercepted by foreign intelligence services, German counter-espionage experts now demand that all future communication be done using spy-proof “typewriter” technology.

What is more, foreign intelligence services operatives operating in the country have discovered a list indicating that the “typewriter” is only the first new-old anti-spy technology to be introduced in Germany.

The list, taken from an unsupervised “typewriter” (non-electric) in the reception area of the Germany Foreign Ministry, indicates that a whole new wave of old technology is to be introduced in the coming months. Among them will be cassette and eight-track tapes, VCRs, Polaroid instant cameras, the Walkman, carousel slide projectors, ditto machines, Morse code and the abacus. Needles to say, the use of cell phones, microwave ovens and remote control for television will have to be verboten.

“Before I start using typewriters and burning notes after reading, I’d rather abolish the secret services.”

Germans Shocked That Top US Intelligence Official Was Involved In Spying

July 10, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, CIA, Eavesdropping, Edward Snowden, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, Spying Leave a comment

And that’s why they have now asked him to get his little top secret agent ass out of the country like pronto, buddy. Or at least I can only assume that’s the reason why.

“We were stunned to learn that a professional undercover snoop like this would have the audacity to abuse our mutual trust and openness by spying on us like this,” a spokesman for the German government must have said. “It’s just not the kind of thing that sneaky secret agent types like that do. At least it’s not what the German ones do.”

Nach Bekanntwerden eines weiteren möglichen Spionagefalls hat die Bundesregierung erste Konsequenzen gezogen. Der Repräsentant der amerikanischen Nachrichtendienste an der amerikanischen Botschaft wurde aufgefordert, Deutschland zu verlassen.

Germany To Introduce American Trust Level Advisory System

July 6, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, CIA, Edward Snowden, Espionage, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spies, Surveillance Leave a comment

Outraged by allegations that a German employee of the German foreign-intelligence agency BND may have been a double-agent who passed along information to the CIA (about a parliamentary inquiry of NSA surveillance programs), the German public’s level of trust towards the USA has now reached such a new level of low that a color-coded trust level advisory scale will now need to be introduced.

Based on the American Homeland Security Advisory System, the coming German Trust-Amerika Level Advisory Scale will have a few fundamental differences, however. The “normal” green trust level will start out at Absolute Zero, for instance. It will then work it’s way down, or up, if you prefer, to Less Than Absolute Zero, Way Less Than Absolute Zero, Highly Less Than Absolute Zero and then to the Severely Less Than Absolute Zero It Doesn’t Get Any Less Absolute Zero Than This, People level.

It is unclear when the new system will be introduced as these plans are super-mega-ultra top secret and have not been officially leaked by the responsible double-agents yet.

“If the suspicion of a targeted attack on a German constitutional body is confirmed, just one year after the first Snowden disclosures, that would set the level of trust back to zero and result in political consequences.”

Security Sources?

July 3, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Airports, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Security, Terror Leave a comment

International airports have been asked to expand their screening of passengers before flying to the United States after security sources have warned of possible new terror attacks.

Who might these security sources be? Certainly not the NSA, right?

Nach Angaben deutscher Sicherheitskreise stützten sich die US-Warnungen auf Informationen über eine verstärkte Kommunikation unter europäischen Rückkehrern aus Syrien, Afghanistan und Pakistan.

This Is Supposed To Be News?

June 11, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Anti-Americanism, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Obama, Polls, Trust, Ukraine 6 Comments

It’s never been any different.

A poll published by research firm infratest dimap last week indicates German trust in the U.S. has plummeted to lows not seen since the thick of the Iraq war. Another poll, published in May, showed those Germans surveyed were more interested in deepening their country’s ties with China than they were in doing so with the U.S. A third, published in April, showed that nearly half wanted Germany to take a “middle position” in the Ukraine conflict rather than standing firmly on the side of the West.

N S A B N D M O U S E

June 6, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, Eavesdropping, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spying Leave a comment

Who’s the leader of the club
That spies on you and me?
N S A B N D M O U S E!

Germany’s foreign intelligence agency is officially lifting the lid on some of its worst-kept secrets by acknowledging that half a dozen facilities are in fact spy stations.

“Diese Aufgaben gehören zum Kernauftrag des Bundesnachrichtendienstes und beruhen auf gesetzlicher Grundlage. Zu diesen Aufgaben stehen wir, weshalb wir zukünftig auf die Legendierung dieser Außenstellen im Inland verzichten.”

German Intelligence Service Devises Diabolically New And Original Espionage Technique

June 1, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypocrisy Tags: BND, Eavesdropping, Edward Snowden, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Intelligence Agencies, NSA, Satire Leave a comment

But don’t tell anybody you heard it from me.

It goes like this: The BND is soon going to start monitoring users of social networks like Facebook and Twitter in something they are referring to here as “Echtzeit.” “Echtzeit” can roughly be translated as “real-time” and means that said users will be monitored – now get this – live. That’s right. Like while it’s actually happening?

Let me repeat this so you will understand the implications of what it is I’m saying here: They will actually be seeing what these people are typing while they are actually typing it. Just like you and I and everybody else on Facebook and Twitter the world over are doing already, I mean. Like how creepy is that?

Befreundete Nachrichtendienste seien methodisch viel weiter

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: NSA