Your Flight From 2012 Is Now Ready For Boarding

What do you mean? Berlin’s party joke phantom airport may be opening after all?

Airport

Too bad I didn’t keep our plane tickets from 2012 as souvenirs. They showed us departing from Los Angeles (LAX) and arriving at Berlin Brandenburg Airport (BER), which was just about to open. But the launch, already delayed the previous year, was again called off at the last minute. So we landed instead at the charming but small Tegel airport (TXL) that dates back to the early Cold War…

To pessimists, BER symbolizes Germany’s bad developments. Its highly publicized bureaucratic and engineering fiascoes have dented the country’s former reputation — not always entirely flattering — of being relentlessly meticulous and punctual. The subtext is that Germany, whether it’s building airports or algorithms, is increasingly leaving economic dynamism to others, especially China.

To optimists, this too is part of Germany’s long historical arc to “normality.” Germans today are more relaxed about their national identity and place in the world than they’ve ever been. That explains why they’ve also been nonchalant about BER’s travails. The truth is, many Germans have secretly been savoring the airport headlines as a font of gossip. Many an awkward dinner party has been saved by boozy debates about whether humans would set foot on Mars before disembarking at BER, or whether it would be more cost-effective to rebuild the capital near a working airport.

Berlin Tegel Airport Closing June 1, 2020

And Berlin Brandenburg Airport opens October 31, 2020. Let’s do the math.

BER

So, Berlin is down to just one world-class horrible airport for like five months? Until the next world-class horrible one comes along, I mean? Sheesh. Although with all this Corona going on maybe nobody will even notice.

Personally, I will miss Tegel. Maybe because it was so small and in the middle of town like that. You could walk around the entire main terminal in five minutes. Adieu, Tegel. It was in what used to be called the French Sector, after all.

This comes as the airport has seen a huge drop in passenger numbers, with passengers currently amounting to 1% of normal amounts. The company running the airport is allegedly losing one million Euros per day, so closing the airport will save costs.

Now That There Are No Flights Anymore

The long-delayed, delayed, delayed, delayed (since 2011) opening of the Berlin Brandenburg Airport (BER) will finally go ahead as planned, planned, planned and planned.

BER

Clever, really. Almost diabolical.

‘No risks’ ahead of Berlin Brandenburg (BER) airport opening in October 2020 – According to its operator, there are no more obstacles to get in the way of the BER airport finally opening its doors in October this year.

“We do not see any risks ahead of the first operations in October 2020.”

What A Spooky Thought

That Berlin’s ghost airport could finally, like, actually, you know, well, open? Sends shivers down my spine.

Airport

But I don’t believe in ghost airports. That eventually open, I mean. You can’t scare me with that nonsense. So don’t even try.

After a 13-year saga punctuated by scandals, bankruptcies and comical setbacks, Berlin’s new airport could finally open in 2020 – nine years behind schedule.

An exact opening date for Berlin Brandenburg Airport (BER) – October 31, 2020 – was announced last week, with Dietmar Woidke, Minister President of the German state of Brandenburg.

“This time it will happen.”

Boo!

Additional Terminal For Berlin Brandenburg Airport Also Not To Be Built On Time If Ever At All

Flushed with the success of not having been built yet but nobody really seeming to give a shit, Berlin’s hyper-delayed Berlin Brandenburg Airport will soon also not be getting an additional terminal for none of the additional millions of passengers that are almost certainly never going to land here.

Airport

Being that the airport was originally planned to open in 2011, Airport operators are playing it safe this time and have scheduled the new terminal to open in October 2074, provided, of course, no unforeseen delays get in the way of all the other unforeseen delays that are invariably going to pop up during non-construction so unforeseenly.

The new airport has defied all clichés of German efficiency: it was meant to open in 2011, but construction problems and technical delays saw the date pushed back repeatedly, leaving the German capital reliant on two small and aging Cold War-era airports.

Who Will Be Brave Enough?

To just get it over with and close down Berlin’s new non-existent airport before it ever not opens, I mean.

BER

Nobody will be brave enoug, of course.. Not even after this latest (coming) delay. Can you still call them delays when you get to the ten-year mark?

The latest setback is reportedly due to problems with fire protection. Other errors over the years include badly installed cables, escalators that were too short and a roof that was too heavy.

Corruption is also a factor – last year one former airport employee was sentenced to prison for taking bribes and dozens of others have been fined.

Collateral damage includes construction companies, retail outlets and taxi firms forced into bankruptcy and one former Berlin mayor (SPD) forced out of his job.

Zu Tagesspiegel-Erkenntnissen, denen zufolge eine BER-Eröffnung vor 2021 durch die neuen Informationen zunehmend unwahrscheinlich wird, äußert sich die Flughafengesellschaft nicht direkt.

PS: Happy Thanksgiving!

German Of The Day: Weltspitze

That means world-class. And that’s what Berlin is. Or at the very least European-class. When it comes to crappy airports.

Airport

Just like at a survey taken a little earlier this year, of the top ten most horrible airports in all of ze Europe, Berlin Tegel and Berlin Schönefeld got on the short list again, although they only managed ranking ninth and tenth this time. Of course if they counted crappy non-existent airports, Berlin BER would have squeezed in there, too. Or do you think they might have a special consolation prize for that category?

Ein Nutzer schreibt sogar, der Flughafen Berlin Schönfeld sei “der schlechteste Flughafen überhaupt”. Alles sei sehr beengt und zu klein für die vielen Reisenden. „Die Wände, die Fenster und der ganze unsaubere Flughafen erwecken den Eindruck, dass man in einem Gefängnis ist, aus dem man fliehen will“.

Berlin’s BER Airport Nonexistent And Too Small At The Same Time

Previously thought to be impossible within the realm of phenomenal reality, airport physisists were more than a little shocked today to discover that Berlin’s infamously nonexistent and still not new BER airport – latest takeoff delay soon to be announced for 2019 – is nevertheless much too small, despite its nothingness.

BER

Too small to ever be a grown-up, major hub-like airport, that is. If it ever were to see the light of day, of course. Which it might not. These are theoretical airport physisists we’re talking about here, in case you were wondering.

Ein Start des BER vor 2019 gilt als unwahrscheinlich. Flughafenchef Engelbert Lütke Daldrup will in diesem Jahr einen Eröffnungstermin nennen.

Can We Keep Schönefeld Open, Too?

Tegel was only voted 8th worst airport in the world recently, after all. Schönefeld was numero uno. But now another vote is in.

Tegel

Berliners voted to keep the historic Tegel airport open even after a new international hub is completed, creating a headache for the German capital’s government, which wanted it closed.

Tegel sprang up in just 90 days in 1948 to support the Berlin Airlift, a huge operation to ship supplies and thwart a Cold War Soviet blockade. It is much-loved by many Berliners and business travellers for its proximity to the city center.

Berlin’s government will now have to rethink its plans to close Tegel after some 56 percent of voters supported the non-binding referendum on Sunday, the same day as Germany’s federal election, to reconsider the proposal.

“The result has created a very, difficult situation that could be legally and financially challenging.” Another chance for the Berlin Senat to excel, I say.

Berlin Doesn’t Need A New Airport After All

You know, the new one that still hasn’t opened yet and perhaps never will? No. Berlin is already number one when it comes to airports. So let’s move on already, people.

Airports

1.  Berlin Schönefeld Airport (SXF) in Deutschland
2.  London Luton Airport (LTN) in Großbritannien
3.  New York LaGuardia Airport (LGA) in den USA
4.  New York J. F. Kennedy Airport (JFK) in den USA
5.  Brüssel Charleroi Airport (CRL) in Belgien
6.  Lima International Airport (LIM) in Peru
7.  Rom Ciampino Airport (CIA) in Italien
8.  Berlin Tegel Airport (TXL) in Deutschland
9.  Paris Charles De Gaulle Airport (CDG) in Frankreich
10. Paris Orly Airport (ORY) in Frankreich

Sure, this is a list of the world’s worst airports (according to a survey taken by eDreams), but still. Both of Berlin’s airports under the top ten. Nice try New York and Paris but toodaloo muddafrika…

Zwei deutsche Flughäfen unter den Top 10.