“Angst is the German lifeblood”

March 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Angst, Berlin, Fear, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 5 Comments

Die Zeit: How do you explain this (that Germans “like” to be afraid)?

Henryk M. Broder: I think the Germans have been waiting for their punishment since 1945. If the Allies had been at least a little bit more rigid with them, instead of tossing Mars bars from the sky, then maybe the Germans would be in a slightly better constitution today. They’re always thinking: Something’s still coming, and we deserve it.

He’s joking, of course. But maybe he’s not joking.

Man muss nicht 30.000 Kilometer durch Deutschland fahren, um festzustellen, dass die Deutschen gern Angst haben. Sie haben Angst vor Oberleitungen und unterirdischen Bahnhöfen, vor Dioxin im Frühstücksei und vor der Klimaerwärmung. Letztere ist bekanntlich ein globales Phänomen, aber niemand fürchtet sie so sehr wie die Deutschen. Angst ist das deutsche Lebenselixier.

More Miserable Management

March 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Boss, Bosses, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Management, Satire 2 Comments

In Germany, I mean.

I just wanted to share these highly German on-the-job motivational sayings with you, for no particular reason.

“Bread molds. Shit stinks. What can you do?”

“I’d like to go on vacation the way that you go to work.”

“I don’t have problems, I have employees.”

“Please shut the door. Or can’t you do that either?”

“Regular failure is also a form of reliability.”

“Ich kann Sie nur auf den Topf setzen. Drücken müssen Sie alleine.”

The ‘Merican Mini-Me Machine Mystery

March 6, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Dr. Evil, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, X-37B Leave a comment

While certain experts fear that Washington’s Geheimniskrämerei (secret-mongering) concerning the second launch of the X-37B “Mini-Me Shuttle” might make countries like China and Russia nervous, Germans have once again taken the initiative and become nervous first.

“The Air Force did confirm that this robotic space plane is designed to stay in orbit for 270 days,” one hand-wringing German official said. “But it hasn’t said anything about the mysterious and EVIL new technolgies that are to be tested with it. This kind of stuff bekanntlich (as you know) makes us nervous.”

Indeed, the only information the Air Force handed out to journalists at all was a short list of some of the Mini-Me Shuttle’s “favorite things:”

Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth
Humping the giant laser
Terrorizing Scott
Biting and
Being evil

Experten fürchten, dass Washingtons Geheimniskrämerei China und Russland nervös macht.

Tourists Threaten Kreuzberger Biotope

March 2, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Kreuzberg, Satire 2 Comments

“We have no intention of building a wall in Kreuzberg.” Not yet anyway. But if record-breaking numbers of tourists keep coming to Berlin all the freakin’ time, Green politicians may have to reconsider that.

It appears that certain residents in Berlin Kreuzberg have become quite hostile when it comes to hostels these days. They don’t want their colorful Kiez (neighborhood) tainted by tacky tourists. They want to keep on doing the tainting themselves.

Remember: This is the same biotope where expensive cars go up in spontaneous combustion on a regular basis and McDonalds restaurants are the work of the devil herself. Tourism? Nein danke!

Die Grünen wollen die Zahl der Hostels und Hotels in dem Bezirk beschränken, außerdem umweltfreundliche Unterkünfte mit Ökosiegel auszeichnen.

German 80 Percent Rule Kicks In Again

February 25, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Doctorate, German, Germans, Germany, Guttenberg, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

OK, OK. This time it’s only 75 percent, but they’re at a real low right now. Give them another week or two.

When Germans decide to go with a fixed idea (obsession? delusion?) they do so with typical German thoroughness (typical German thoroughness is another fixed idea, obsession or delusion). In this case, they have decided to keep liking their defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, plagiarism or not. Some 75 percent of Germans asked think he should stay in office after the University of Bayreuth took back his doctorate.

The German Left (meaning political opposition) is enraged, of course, but who cares? They’re always enraged about something. And some of the irony here is that this particular article comes from the Bild Zeitung itself, another thing that outrages the outraged German Left (always has, always will). They claim that Guttenberg was “created” by the Bild, like Dr. Frankenstein created his monster, I guess. And being that the German man or woman on the street is too dumb to know what is best for him or her, or so their thinking, they are all the more enraged that he/she has decided to stick to Guttenberg anyway, despite their quite loud and vocal enragement. Like how enraging is that?

Nur 22 Prozent sind der Meinung, zu Guttenberg soll aufgrund dieser Vorwürfe als Verteidigungsminister zurücktreten, drei Viertel (75 Prozent) verneinen dies. Drei Prozent sind unentschlossen.

Are these the sanctions you were talking about, Guido?

February 24, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire, Weapons Leave a comment

The issue of German exports is more complex. After the embargo was lifted, Germany’s arms business with Libya was quickly put back on track. German exports to Libya were worth €53 million in 2009, the third highest in Europe.

The Gadhafi regime has been blocking the mobile phone and GPS networks in Libya for days — possibly with the help of German technology — to prevent protesters from being able to communicate with each other.

And there is also controversy over the radar technology that Germany supplied to Libya to help it secure its borders. In 2010, the EU pledged to give the dictator €50 million so that Libya could prevent African refugees from reaching Europe’s coasts. But this and other deals like it are now coming back to bite the EU.

“The situation in Libya illustrates the fundamental problem that the long-term effects of arms transfers are not taken into account.”

Shocking Study Results: Men And Women Appear To Be “Different”

February 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Men, Satire, Women 3 Comments

Researchers in Germany are scratching their heads in astonishment. A study entitled “Typical Man, Typical Woman” has revealed that men and women not only behave in typical man-like and woman-like ways, they actually even behave “differently” from one another.

Some 65 percent of the men tested liked talking about sports, for instance, whereas 75 percent of the women preferred gossip concerning their respective circle of friends.

Nearly 50 percent of young women tested classified themselves as being “communicative” (that means that they like to talk a lot) whereas a mere 21 percent of the men tested saw themselves so.

These completely unexpected results have led many researches to question the seriousness of the study and the methods used. A new study may now be necessary. Typical.

„Die Alltagswirklichkeiten von Mann und Frau haben sich zwar zunehmend angenähert, nicht aber das Interessenspektrum.“

Hot Dog It Another Baader-Meinhof Film!

February 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hate, High Art, History, Hypocrisy Tags: Baader-Meinhof, Berlin, Berlinale, Film, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Movies, RAF, Satire 1 Comment

The Berlinale is always good for a surprize. But it’s always the same one: No surprizes.

How original, sort of. Hopeless romantics that they are, politically correct Germans everywhere will be as enamored as they should be in this latest “political love story” about (with?) the RAF, “If Not Us, Who?”

Specifically, it’s about two fine young terrorists who fell in love, made love and then went on to become key figures in that wacky and fun-loving leftist group that carried out a bloody campaign of kidnappings and murders in the 1970s. You know, kind of like the Manson clan only, this being Germany, their madness was more political?

It’s a film that wants us to truly understand these folks with, I dunno, understanding, understanding how their political consciousness arose, with a special emphasis being placed on the conflict between the Nazi and postwar generations–an aspect that has never ever, ever been addressed here in this country before, ever, not once, honest. In other words, they were the victims (again).

Be sure to see it. It’s so… Political. And Romantic with a big R. If it doesn’t win the Golden Bear than… If not them, who?

Reason Number Three

February 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Children, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 9 Comments

From yesterday (why Germans don’t want any kids): They’re too loud.

Germany is so desperate to encourage people to have more children that the government is proposing a bill allowing citizens under six to laugh, shout and play at any volume.

Germany is a land of many rules, especially about noise. The government’s move comes after a series of lawsuits about children and noise, and a recent call from a senior citizens’ chapter of Chancellor Angela Merkel’s conservatives, who sought to ban kindergartens from residential areas because they are too loud.

Thank goodness. I’m sure this proposed bill will turn everything around for the better.

Now we know why Germans don’t want any kids

February 15, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Birth rate, Children, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 5 Comments

It’s because they don’t want any kids.

Sure, there are more specific “reasons,” but they are all vorgeschoben (phoney), whether the people giving them actually believe them or not. Like how in the latest survey two-thirds of childless couples asked actually want to have children but their financial situation, say, is too precarious or having kids would make their lives even more stressful than they already are, boo, hoo, blah, blah.

This all makes sense, sort of. As we all know, the human kind has never had children when the financial situation was precarious or the situation was stressful, right? Whatever.

No, they know perfectly well why they don’t want any children. 1) Once you have a kid it’s no longer about ME, MYSELF and I anymore and 2) Once you have a kid you would then actually be expected to take responsibility for it YOURSELF (even in Germany, well, for the most part). And taking responsibility for things just doesn’t cut the Kuchen around the country here these days.

79 Prozent finden den Alltag auch ohne Kinder bereits anstrengend genug,

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Habitudes