You can’t depend on ANYBODY these days

March 28, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Hysteria Tags: Angst, Berlin, Climate Change, Fear, German, Germans, Germany, Global warming, Humor, Hysteria, Satire 2 Comments

Sheesh. Of all folks (or Volks, if you prefer), rumor has it that the Germans are now beginning to lose thier angst about climate change. Now, of all times. Where angst is in the air and everywhere, I mean (they’re scared of freakin’ daylight savings time for crying out loud).

According to a Spiegel survey – and Spiegel Leser wissen mehr (Spiegel readers know more) – only a piddly 42 percent of Germans lose sleep at night anymore when it comes to global warming. Pitiful, people.

Come on, now. Get with the plan, Volks. Boo! Or something.

Heute hält jeder dritte Deutsche die Prognose der Klimaforscher, nach der es langfristig immer wärmer wird, nicht für zuverlässig.

More Internet Angst

March 21, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts Tags: Angst, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Internet, Satire, Technology Leave a comment

Germany is still not the “digital society” some of you might assume it must be.

An organization called Initiative D21 just broke down Germany’s predominantly technophobic Internet angst population into several angst making groups:

The “digital outsiders”, 35% of the population, are actually frightened by computers and refuse to touch them.

The “occasional users” with 30% will actually use Internet technology from time to time but don’t ask them to work with it regularly or deal with things like Excel (I feel their pain about Excel, I must say).

The “digital pros” with 12% gladly work with Excel and even do PowerPoint, although I wouldn’t know why they would want to.

“Trend users” go further and even build websites and spend why too much time online – on the couch.

Then there’s the “digital avant-garde”, 3% of the population, the real sick puppy techno Internet freak types.

Personally, I don’t know what’s more worrisome; the first or the last group.

Die Deutschen sind immer noch Internet-Muffel

Ein Bombengeschäft

March 15, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Armaments, Arms, Berlin, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Weapons 1 Comment

A bomb of a business, a roaring trade, a gold mine. And the same procedure as every year.

“Germany Now World’s Third Largest Arms Exporter.” Now? Been that way for years, folks. Get used to it already.

Pacifists. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

“When it comes to arms exports, few will be surprised that the US tops the list.”

What’s that guy with the knife want?

March 4, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness Tags: Bears, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Knut, Satire, Zoos 1 Comment

Talk about your cruelty to animals.

First rejected by his mother, then seperated from his ersatz father-keeper at a tender age while getting gawked at by quadrillions of annoying zoo visitors (he was even forced at gunpoint once to take a Vanity Fair cover shot with Leonardo DiCaprio), then turning from a cute and cuddly baby to a grungy teen right there where everybody could watch, then forced to marry a blood relative who doesn’t even speak proper German (they call her Giovanna).

So now? Poor Knut, Berlin’s own. Now German animal rights activists want to cut off his family jewels. Word is that “if they (he and Giovanna) were allowed to breed, the offspring would be prone to genetic abnormalities and liable to illness.”

I’m sure that Knut is wondering now if they couldn’t just be good friends. Unfortunately, he can’t talk.

“A long-term cohabitation between Giovanna and Knut is only feasible if Knut is castrated.”

She swims faster than we skate?

March 1, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, High Art Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Sports, Winter Olympics 2010 1 Comment

On the ice, I mean.

And then they go on for the gold, yet again. Damn. I think this was another sinister German conspiracy again, although I haven’t quite figured out how it works yet.

Somehow she had crossed the finish line 0.23 seconds before the last American, Nancy Swider Peltz Jr.

PS: And nice hockey match there last night Canada. Not. Doch.

Welfare schmellfare

February 15, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Heconomy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Welfare Leave a comment

Oh boy, another non-issue that nobody here is ever going to tackle.

People are all up in arms here about a comment made yesterday by FDP boss/foreign minister Guido Westerwelle. They’re upset because he pointed out that nearly 60 percent of Germany’s federal budget is spent on Sozialausgaben (welfare/social-security payments) and that the whole damned system needs to be properly addressed and debated.

So why is everybody so upset? That’s easy: It’s because early 60 percent of Germany’s federal budget is spent on Sozialausgaben (welfare/social-security payments) and the whole damned system needs to be addressed and debated.

It’s just that they don’t like to be reminded of this, you see. This “debate” he’s talking about should have started some thiry years ago, of course (think, say, of what Bill Clinton did to welfare in the 90s). But it won’t be debated in Germany now either.

And this is just a proposed debate, mind you. Imagine the uproar if somebody here ever actually tried to change anything.

„Wir dürfen nicht zulassen, dass der, der arbeitet, der Dumme ist.”

Iran using tricks?

February 8, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hi-tech Tags: Ahmadinejad, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iran, Nuclear weapons, Satire Leave a comment

Really? Who would have thought that? After all these long years, I mean.

It must have been those tricky Avatar 3D glasses that finally tipped the Germans off.

Westerwelle told Deutschlandfunk radio that Iran would be judged by its actions and not by its words, and that only a serious return to negotiations would prevent further measures such as sanctions being imposed on the Islamic Republic.

Ice not disappearing here up north either

January 31, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts Tags: Climate Change, German, Germans, Germany, Global warming, Himalayas, Humor, IPCC, Satire 5 Comments

Forget about the Himalayas. Global warming is still a big problem in Germany these days too. Or the lack of it, I should say (Rostock got creamed yesterday).

Everyone is still waiting to hear when the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is going to give an Entwarnung (all-clear signal) here too, I guess.

“The United Nations’ expert panel on climate change based claims about ice disappearing from the world’s mountain tops on a student’s dissertation and an article in a mountaineering magazine.”

The revelation will cause fresh embarrassment for the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), which had to issue a humiliating apology earlier this month over inaccurate statements about global warming.

Number one again!

January 20, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Health, Humor, Hypochondria, Satire 2 Comments

Germany may not be the export champion of the world anymore, but Germans are definitely world champions when it comes to doctor visits per year.

The average German, whoever he is, goes to see his doctor an amazing 18 times per year. A third of those who come in are chronically ill too, or at least think that they are. And the only other nation on earth that comes even close to German sickliness is Japan with thirteen visits a year. No, not for the whole nation, I meant for the average Japanese sick dude.

Makes you wonder. About hypochondria, for instance. And health care systems that somehow encourage this type of thing, for another, Praxisgebühr or not. This German “practice fee” (10 Euros per quarter the visitor has to pay when he/she goes to the doctor’s office) was introduced a few years back in the hope of slowing this madness down, but it obviously hasn’t helped. Being sick is still dirt cheap here, I guess.

Help me man, the German health care system said, I’m sick.

In keinem Land der Welt gehen die Menschen so oft zum Arzt wie in Deutschland.

Berlin comes in first place again!

January 18, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Hartz IV, Humor, Satire, Welfare Leave a comment

When it comes to having the most folks on welfare (Hartz IV) in Germany, that is. Which puts them in last place amoung the other German states, I guess. But still.

Nearly 200 out of 1000 Berliners receive payments from the state to get by, more or less. And it’s lonely up here at the top too, I mean bottom. But somebody’s got to do it. I mean be here.

Knapp 20 Prozent der Berlinerinnen und Berliner seien auf staatliche Unterstützung angewiesen, schreiben die Autoren der Studie „Die Bundesländer im Standortwettbewerb 2010“

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hard Facts