I Shall Call Her… Mini-Me!

‘Mini-Merkel’ calls for Syrian migrants to be returned home as CDU leadership rivals jostle for position.


Heel, Mini-Me! Heel!

Annegret Kramp-Karrenbauer said asylum-seekers whose claims are rejected or who commit crimes could be returned to the war-torn country…

Ms Kramp-Karrenbauer, popularly known in Germany as “mini-Merkel”, is widely seen as Mrs Merkel’s preferred successor. But she has been at pains to distance herself from the chancellor’s controversial migrant policy in her bid for the leadership of the Christian Democrat party (CDU).

“Certain regions of Syria could be secure enough in the foreseeable future.”


Dr. Evil: [about his new “laser“] You see, I’ve turned the moon into what I like to call a “Death Star”. [Scott snickers]


German defense firm Rheinmetall Defense used a new high-energy laser weapons system to shoot fast-moving drones at a distance. The system, which uses two laser weapons, was also used to cut through a steel girder a kilometer away.

All I can say is thank goodness this technology is in German hands. That way it will only be used for peaceful purposes. You know, like making money, and stuff like that.


The ‘Merican Mini-Me Machine Mystery

While certain experts fear that Washington’s Geheimniskrämerei (secret-mongering) concerning the second launch of the X-37B “Mini-Me Shuttle” might make countries like China and Russia nervous, Germans have once again taken the initiative and become nervous first.

“The Air Force did confirm that this robotic space plane is designed to stay in orbit for 270 days,” one hand-wringing German official said. “But it hasn’t said anything about the mysterious and EVIL new technolgies that are to be tested with it. This kind of stuff bekanntlich (as you know) makes us nervous.”

Indeed, the only information the Air Force handed out to journalists at all was a short list of some of the Mini-Me Shuttle’s “favorite things:”

Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth
Humping the giant laser
Terrorizing Scott
Biting and
Being evil

Experten fürchten, dass Washingtons Geheimniskrämerei China und Russland nervös macht.