Happy Potato Day

Just in case you didn’t know, Germans have this thing with patatoes. That’s why a group of German agi-taters lobbied to make August 19 Potato Day.

Potato

I guess that makes the rest of us speck-taters.

Not that I’m complaining or anything, I’m just a commen-tater, folks.

The Germans’ insatiable love affair with potatoes – They were once guarded by the king and are sometimes eaten with apple sauce. For Potato Day on August 19, here are some things you maybe didn’t know about potatoes in Germany…

By the way, how can you tell how fast a German potato is going? Check its spud-ometer.

German Of The Day: Andere Länder Andere Sitten

That means other countries other customs.

Vatertag

Finally, a holiday for the rest of us.

German Oddity 391. Only in Germany is Vatertag or Father’s Day commemorated by hordes of oddly dressed men pulling little wooden wagons overloaded with beer and snaps through wooded areas (or right through the middle of your town) roaring and swearing and pissing all over the place until they vomit on themselves and pass out but not before having called their wives to pick them up and drag them back home again.

German Of The Day: Bollerwagen

That means handcarts. Handcarts filled with beer.

Booze

And if a handcart isn’t available on German Father’s Day (Ascension Day) then you can always use a baby buggy or a shopping cart to put your booze in.

Es ist kompliziert. Warum aus Christi Himmelfahrt auch der Vater- und Herrentag geworden ist, lässt sich nicht mehr so recht nachvollziehen. Es wird spekuliert, dass die Prozession der Jünger Jesu zu einem Berg als Vorbild für die Männer mit Bollerwagen dienten.

What Germans Brought To Amerika?

Other than bitching and moaning, you mean?

TTIP

Whah? There’s a German-American Day? I had no idea, again. Too bad I missed the celebrations this year, too.

Hmmm. What did they bring to us (as in US), anyway? Well, there’s aspirin for one thing, for when the bitching and moaning gets to be too much. Gimme a minute. Gimme a minute, I said. OK, there’s the ring binder. That’s pretty cool. They also brought us the hair perm – and the Easter Bunny himself! Then there’s German chocolate cake. Ha, ha. Just kidding. A German doesn’t know what the hell German chocolate cake is, people. That’s as American as apple pie. Anyway, yeah. You know. They brought us stuff like that. And a lot of bitching and moaning, too. Happy holiday.

From Kindergarten and Christmas trees to hamburgers and hotdogs, German-Americans are credited with some of the most recognizable features of US culture to have emerged in the past 300 years.

Less than 5% now speak German themselves.

Germans So Shocked By Greek No They Decide To Go On Big Fat Greek Vacation

Stunned by the Greek no yesterday and the end of European civilization as they know it, millions and millions of German tourists have spontaneously decided to get their minds off it all by going on vacation to Greece again this year, just like the millions and millions of other Germans who did the same thing last year.

Tourists

Not that it matters anymore or anything, but tourism used to account for 18 percent of what used to be the Greek economy.

“We are still taking bookings for Greece and there is no change in the levels.”

Mass Numbers Of Germans Flee Country

And then return again. Several times a year even. They call it Tourismus (tourism).

Travel

That’s right, when not moaning about capitalism and democracy itself, Germans like to spend their ample free time breaking new records in the World Travel Champions category. In 2014 they spent more than 67 billion euros traveling, for instance, five percent more than the year before. The next record for 2015 seems to be vorprogrammiert (preprogrammed), too.

Die Deutschen lassen sich ihren Urlaub so viel kosten wie nie. Mehr als 67 Milliarden Euro gaben sie im vergangenen Jahr für Urlaubsreisen von mindestens fünf Tagen aus, plus fünf Prozent zum Vorjahr.

Pleasant Christmas Smells Make Germans Sick

And here you always figured that your lousy Chirstmas spirit had to do with the dreaded Verwandtenbesuch (visiting relatives). Well, it does. But recent research indicates that Christmas smells in abundance (and they always are this time of year) can also make Germans irritable and depressed.

Smell

That’s right. Aromatic candles, incense, advent wreaths with cinnamon and cloves, vanilla, anise, coriander, you name it. All these wonderfully smelly yule tide substances now pose a health threat to us (I mean you) and should be enjoyed in moderation only. I mean not be enjoyed in moderation only, of course.

Bah! Humbug already!

“Zuerst empfindet man den Duft noch als angenehm, aber bald schon kippt die Stimmung, man fühlt sich unwohl, leer oder gereizt.”

Happy Christi Himmelfahrtskommandotag!

Vatertag is also Ascension here (or the other way around), and a real holiday. And a real boon to the German liquor industry, too.

And there really is some connection between the two holidays here somewhere, I think. Jesus is known to have drunk wine and wander around the countryside with his buddies, for instance. Although without the Bollerwagen (handcarts), of course. Nor did they ever drink and drive, as far as I know.

Not so here in Germany, however. Bild tells us that there will be three times as many alcohol-related accidents today as usual. And I believe it, too. Just ask these guys down here.

Herrentag ist Unfalltag!

PS: Christi Himmelfahrt is the Ascension. A Himmelfahrtskommando is a kamikaze operation.