American Imports Now Ravaging German Government Quarter Itself

June 8, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Racoons, Satire 5 Comments

Now I know the real reason why Angie Merkel went to Washington (nobody else around here seems to know why). Racoon attacks are up in Germany again and she wants Schadenersatz (damages).

And not only that, a “terror racoon” (that’s him up there) has even been sighted in Berlin’s Regierungsviertel itself and has been causing residents who live near Schloss Bellevue lots of Stress (stress). He likes messing with their garbage or something.

Boy I tell you back in the day when there was a wall around this city animals like that knew their place and it wasn’t here.

Mehr als 20.000 verschiedene Tier- und Pflanzenarten gibt es inzwischen in der Hauptstadt.

Foreign Accent Syndrome Mars State Visit

June 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Health Tags: Berlin, Foreign Accent Syndrome, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Merkel, Obama, Satire, Summit Leave a comment

The timing could not have been worse. Just before she was scheduled to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Barack Obama HIMSELF, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has had to undergo emergency dental surgery which has now left her speaking with an American accent.

“Is she making fun of me or something?” a puzzled President Obama asked his staff shortly after her arrival. “Where’d that weird-ass twang come from?”

But after a short consultation, Washington and Berlin decided to continue with the three-day summit anyway, in the vain hope that it will project to the world a close working relationship and might somehow bolster their failing transatlantic partnership, American accent or not. Washington is concerned about Germany’s recent tendancy to opt for bizarre Alleingänge (solo runs) and it’s increasing lack of ambition within the European Union, Berlin preferring to cultivate bilateral ties to major developing economies like China and India instead.

“It’s not so much the goofy accent,” one White House aide told journalists later. “It’s more that eerie way she’ll say one thing and then do something completely different.”

“I don’t feel different inside at all,” a smiling Merkel told reporters with what appeared to be a cross between a thick Texas and a ferocious Massachusetts accent. “I’m the same old me I ever was.”

“Es ist ja nichts Schlimmes, einen ausländischen Akzent zu haben.”

The Green Plague (Another Green Shirt Terror Post)

June 6, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, E. coli, EHEC, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Organic Foods, Satire, Terror 3 Comments

Now it’s tainted German sprouts that have caused the deadly E. coli (Ehec) outbreak (but remember, the source of the outbreak seems to change here every few hours–ask Spanish organic cucumber farmers). Sprouts? That’s another one of them there green organic foods, ain’t it?

Anyway, one German Spiegel reader who goes by the name of alex300 is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore. I feel his pain and stuff. He writes:

“What have we learned from the organic crisis?

1. That green organic farmers can cause more damage than Chernobyl and Fukushima together. How many deaths have been attributed to Fukushima? Just one worker who died of a heart attack. How many deaths do we have to thank for the green organic madness? More than 2000 contaminated by health stores and organic sprouts, about 1000 of them with irreparable brain and kidney damage, and 21 dead.

2. That biogas plants are much more dangerous than nuclear reactors. An atomic reactor can contaminate a 30 km area around it, max. The multiresistant bacteria that breed in biogas plants can wipe out all of humanity.

No power to the green organic plague!”

I hope alex300 is feeling better now. I sure do. For now.

Was haben wir aus der Biokrise gelernt?

1. Die grünen Biobauer können viel mehr schaden anrichten als Tschernobyl und Fukushima zusammen. Wie viele Tote hat Fukushima verschuldet? Nur einen Arbeiter, der an einem Herzinfarkt verstarb. Wie viele Tote haben wir dank dem grünen Biowahn? Mehr als 2000 verseuchten durch Reformhäuser und Biosprossen, ca. 1000 mit irreparablen Hirn- und Nierenschäden und 21 Toten.

2. Die Biogasanlagen sind wesentlich gefährlicher als die AKWs. Ein AKW kann maximal 30 km Umgebung gefährlich verseuchen. Die multiresistenten Bakterien, die in Biogasanlagen brüten, können die ganze Menschheit auslöschen.

Keine Macht der grünen Bioseuche!

Germans Meant “Work Harder”

June 5, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Debt Crisis, Employment, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire, Statistics 2 Comments

Down south (in battling the Greek debt crisis, for instance). Not longer. A study based on OECD and Eurostat figures has determined that Germans work less annually than their no good and lazy Southern European neighbors.

The study indicates that “a German’s average annual work duration (1,390 hours) was substantially lower than for a Greek (2,119), an Italian (1,773) a Portuguese (1,719) and a Spaniard (1,654).”

But at least for that the Germans work more intensely, right? Not according to that study, they don’t.

But at least they mean well, or something?

“Germany’s productivity per head remains close to the average of southern European countries. Its hourly productivity rate is above average but not better than France or Greece,”

Courage? In German Politics?

June 3, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Political Culture, Politics, Satire 1 Comment

In US politics, rhetoric is an art form, leading to vigorous debate and vibrant political life. Not so in Germany, where fear and faintheartedness have resulted in a lack of vision and a shortage of personality.

Political peer pressure has spawned a military-like obedience. When did those at the top begin perceiving the individuality of those rising behind them as a threat? In Berlin, vagueness is seen as the perfect position, hedging as a tactical necessity and clear positions as hazardous.

A similarly noxious development is taking place in the world of journalism. Americans use the phrase “24/7” — a state of constant breathlessness — in reference to the modern news cycle. The online media (not exclusively, but more so than others) contribute to a tabloidization of political journalism by using the sort of pointed emphasis designed to generate more page views from readers… And its effects are as likely to promote hysteria as in Germany.

German (Carbon) Footprints in The Sand

June 2, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Greens, Humor, Nuclear energy, Satire, The Greens 2 Comments

What are we cheering about again? (This is another one of those Green Shirt terror posts.)

In a democracy, you can say A, but you can also say B, just as you can rely on the assumption that nothing has to last forever. Everything can be changed, amended, courses reversed. In short, the very life and soul of democracy is that there are always other options.

Germany’s federal government is now abusing that basic rule in a scandalous way. There can be no doubt that the country needs to be looking at a smart mix of different energy sources for the future, and that developing viable alternatives to atomic power is an urgent necessity. Yet the manner in which the federal government has rushed to its decision to put a definitive stop to the use of nuclear energy by 2022 runs counter to all rules of democratic procedure. It began when, for politically motivated and tactical reasons alone, the government went back on the agreement made last fall — just seven months ago — to extend the life span of nuclear power plants. After the Japanese plant Fukushima began leaking radiation, it felt compelled to cede to public pressure by making a rapid move away from atomic power. Backtracking in the blink of an eye, the government moved so quickly partly out of fear of the Greens, and entirely without discussion or reflection.

… Germany has shown no respect for the energy policies of other E.U. countries, and particularly no trace of consideration for the East-West split that exists in Europe over nuclear power. Instead, Germany has chosen to go it alone on this issue, assuming a kind of avant-garde, “moral high ground” role that is not always going to play well elsewhere.

Die Bundesnetzagentur schlägt Alarm: Wegen des Atomausstiegs befürchtet die Behörde bereits in der kommenden Woche zu Pfingsten Schwierigkeiten beim Stromtransport.

PS: And lest we forget…

Germans To End Opposition To New Overhead Power Lines Overnight

June 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, Energy, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Greens, Humor, Nuclear energy, Overhead Power Lines, Phase-out, Power Lines, Satire, The Greens Leave a comment

As reported earlier, in order to avoid stunting the growth in Europe’s largest economy after its decision to shut down nuclear power forever, Germany must now carry out a massive expansion of it’s electricity-delivery network.

The overhead power lines which will be necessary to connect new offshore wind farms in the north to the factory-rich south and to allow the high-volume energy transfer from French nuclear reactors to cover the shortfall as Germany phases out its own reactors (they only provide a mere 23 percent of the country’s current energy demand) are, however, “unsightly and yucky,” as all Germans know. And they will also probably cause cancer, too (the next DANGER, but that will be another story later, guaranteed).

Fortunately for the German nation, it’s altruistic, selfless citizens have spontaneously decided to sacrifice their own petty personal concerns and grievences in regard to these power lines and win one for the collective common good by immediately ending all opposition to the construction of said yucky power lines and promising to never ever bitch or moan about them ever again, honest.

And if you believe that you can build your overhead power line on some prime Florida swamp land I’ve got for sale for you right here.

A grid upgrade is essential, and Germans must end their opposition to new power lines overhead, energy economics professor Christoph Weber said.

Cukes, Kooks and Nukes

June 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hysteria Tags: Berlin, E. coli, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Ikea, Japan, Nuclear power, Radiation, Satire, Spain, Terror, Terrorists 1 Comment

I tell you, DANGER is everywhere you look these days. If it’s not deadly organic cucumbers (sorry, Spain, we didn’t mean to ruin your cucumber industry with a false alarm like that, no hard feelings, OK?), it’s freakin’ Ikea alarm clock attacks by “The Easily-Broken Kids Room Furniture Liberation Army” in the Benelux (thanks, Joe).

And then of course there’s the ongoing, ever-growing radiation alarms after the Japan Nuclear Crisis in, uh, London and New York.

Stop the world I want to get off or something.

“Whatever the radiation in Tokyo at the moment, you can be fairly sure it is lower than natural background levels in many parts of the world.”

My Big Fat Greek Bailout II

May 31, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Berlin, Debt, Debt Crisis, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire 1 Comment

Certainly not back by populist demand, the German government now seems prepared to stop the bitching and moaning long enough to support funding for the sequel to the first Greek Bailout box office flop and enable the EU to wrap up a second package of aid loans to help a struggling Greece or, to be more exact, the German banks that are now terribly exposed to a possible default there.

“Germany is considering dropping its push for an early rescheduling of Greek bonds in order to facilitate a new package of aid loans for Greece, according to people familiar with the matter. Berlin’s concession that it must lend Greece more money, even without burden-sharing by bondholders in the short term, would help Europe overcome its impasse over Greece’s funding needs before the indebted country runs out of cash in mid-July.”

But if you want any popcorn, you’re going to have to bring it yourself.

Größter Garant der griechischen Zahlungsfähigkeit nach dem IWF mit 30 Mrd. ist Deutschland mit 22,4 Mrd.

More Green Shirt Activity

May 30, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Greenpeace, Greens, Humor, Nuclear energy, Satire, Terror 1 Comment

See? I told ya.

Greenpeace activists climbed on top of Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate yesterday to demand a speedy end to the use of atomic energy (by 2015).

I guess 2022 just ain’t speedy enough.

“Every day of Green terror is one day too many (my translation).”

PS: The best part about the article was the Google ad I saw next to it: “Price check for 900 electicity providers: Compare prices and save money today!”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Humor