9,999,999 Foreigners Living In Germany Now

A round 10 million counting me.

Foreigners

When is somebody finally going to do something about this already?

There are only 80 million Germans here, by the way. Tendenz sinkend (going down). But don’t mind them. They’re on their way out for a reason. I don’t know what it is but there must be some reason they’re on their way out.

More than half of residents living in the German city of Frankfurt have a migrant background, according to new statistics. Figures show 51.2 per cent of people living there are either non-German, German citizens born abroad or Germans who are the children of immigrants.

PS: At least some Germans are trying to fight back by making more babies.

Childless Chancellor Concerned About German Reproduction Rate

Distraught by her countrywomen’s rotten reproduction record, childless German Chancellor Angela Merkel has called an emergency demography strategy summit in Berlin.

Population

“What’s with these Luschen (duds)?” The cranky chancellor asked her clueless ministers. “I mean, this isn’t rocket science we’re talking about here. Don’t they, you know, show them films and stuff at school about this, you know, kind of thing? Even I’ve seen films like that, you know. Once, I think.”

I think Germany is below average in terms of the help provided to young people. And Germany is certainly below average in the attitude that women with children should not work. In most countries it was like that 50 years ago but not today. That is just very detrimental to fertility.

Reproduction Regulators Recommend Rigorous Reform

The logic appears to go like this: Germans will only have children if they are paid by the state to do so.

Children

That this money must first be taken from them by the state to only later be given back to them if they behave properly (improperly?) is the first oddity here but not really the issue at the moment – or at least not the one German politicians want to talk about. The problem now is that Germans aren’t having enough children (only 12% of families with children here have 3 or more). They are not following the German reproduction regulation logic like they are supposed to and are refusing to have large families despite regular increases to the child benefit or Kindergeld payments given here.

In an attempt to counteract what is now the German one-child-per-family-if-they-have-any-children-at-all tradition, some reproduction regulators are suggesting that families now be given higher payments for each successive child born. I’m sure this will work just great. Well, I’m kind of sure it might work maybe, I mean.

Of course more money will first have to be taken in from the Germans before some of it can be given back to some of them again but that’s never bothered legislators here before so why break with a tradition like that now?

“Die wirtschaftliche Situation von Familien verbessert sich trotz der staatlichen Unterstützung im Durchschnitt nicht.”

Where Have All The Germans Gone?

Germans everywhere were stunned this morning to discover that some 1.5 million of their countrymen had inexplicably disappeared the night before.

Population

“This is just plain eerie,” one woman said. “I didn’t know any of them personally or anything of course, but just the thought that you could vanish like that from one day to the next is enough to make a body want to run away and hide first.”

The big shock came right after breakfast when those remaining of the German population were informed by the Federal Statistical Office that Germany now has a population of 80.2 million people rather than the 81.7 million who had been there just a few hours earlier.

Needless to say, the Federal Police and Bundesnachrichtendienst (Federal Intelligence Service) are working feverously to locate the missing 1.5 million Germans as soon as possible but have not been able to find any hot leads as of yet. They ask that if anyone left in the country should happen to locate this group of missing citizens to please tell them to remain where they are and call the authorities immediately.

Berlin trifft es besonders heftig. Am Freitagmorgen hat die Stadt auf einen Schlag 180.000 Einwohner verloren.

Babies Down 15,000

Germans have been dying off faster than they can replace themselves for over forty years now. It’s just what they do.

And here are last year’s numbers: 2.2 percent fewer German babies were born in 2011 then in the year before. Strangely, though, the number of inhabitants actually grew last year (them damned durn foreign immigrants again).

It’s the demographics, stupid.

Schon seit 40 Jahren sterben in Deutschland mehr Menschen als Kinder geboren werden.

Child Poverty

That’s what the Germans call their lack of children here. And with children comprising only 16.5 percent of the total population Germany now has the fewest number of children in all of zee Europe.

And the same report gives child poverty a whole new meaning here, too. It shows that one out of six of these rare creatures is threatened with real poverty.

I don’t know what any of this means. I suppose that Germans just prefer to spend more time with themselves and need to concentrate more on self-discovery and individual fulfillment. And to take themselves more seriously. Than they already are doing, I mean. And that is no laughing matter, believe me. So that makes this place certainly not the kind of place where you would want to raise your kids.

Vor zehn Jahren lag der Kinderanteil bei 18,8 Prozent, jetzt bei 16,5 Prozent, 2030 werden es voraussichtlich nur noch 15 Prozent sein.

Count this!

Unless it’s number one, Germans hate to be counted. They just don’t like it. It “injures their private sphere” or something, whatever that is.

That’s why a bunch of activist types are out to stop the census that’s finally supposed to take place here next year. They’ve even put together a huge list of signatures of citizens against the census but they can’t say how many it is because they refuse to count them.

And this brings us back to number one again. These guys are clearly striving to be counted number one when it comes to being the one country on earth that hasn’t taken a census the longest. The last one taken here was way back in 1987. Germany is now tied with other uncountable countries like Eritrea, Myanmar and the Congo. But they don’t count, so-to-speak. Or not after Germany’s number one, they won’t. And you can count on that.

1987, das ist schon lange her – zumindest im internationalen Vergleich.