Secret NSA Database Discovered In German Phone Booth

Just when it appeared as if the lastest wave of hysteria about personal privacy violations by the NSA was subsiding in Germany, a local man in the small southern German town of Oberscheißheim has stumbled accross what appears to be a vast treasure trove of illegally acquired private data carelessly left hanging in the town’s telephone booth.

NSA

Although in German and ostinsibly published by the “Deutsche Post,” personal privacy experts are nevertheless convinced that this could only be the work of the NSA. The secred database, in book form, is said to contain a a detailed, unencrypted listing of all of the town’s residents, to include name, address and telephone number, and would have been freely accessible to anyone entering the booth had not the quick-thinking resident who discovered the ghastly privacy violation not ripped it from the small metal chain it had been attached to.

“I felt it was my duty to inform the local authorities immediately,” the man later said when being questioned, prefering to remain anonymous, of course, with a paper bag over his head. “And I shudder to think about all the other secret databases possibly out there just like it, in communities just like our own, just waiting to be discovered and accessed by perfect strangers.”

“And in closing, I must say that I also get the creeps when I think about what the NSA is going to do to that poor careless agent of theirs who left the thing hanging there in the first place. What a dumb ass.”

The NSA has a secret unit that produces special equipment ranging from spyware for computers and cell phones to listening posts and USB sticks that work as bugging devices. Here are some excerpts from the intelligence agency’s own catalog.

Neurotic Impulse

And maladaptive reaction. Berlin, a counterculture paradise? I guess. A privacy haven? Keep on dreaming.

Snowden

But it’s a lot more than that. Berlin has always been a place to hail heros who aren’t heros. That’s why this Snowden asylum nonsense fits like a glove here.

An international cadre of privacy advocates is settling in Germany’s once-divided capital, saying they feel safer here than they do in the United States or Britain, where authorities have vowed to prosecute leakers of official secrets…

One wants to be glad that Berlin (and Germany) is a sanctuary for people who have been subjected to inappropriate, excessive snooping by U.S. and U.K. authorities. Still, it’s always worth it, I think, to be a little skeptical of individuals, or groups, or cities and countries whose attitudes carry a whiff of neurotic impulse and maladaptive reaction. Berlin positively reeks of it…

It is an ironic twist for a ­sometimes-bleak city that was once better known as a backdrop to John le Carré novels.

No Private Sphere Here

Fed up with having their personal privacy abused by Facebook, Google and the NSA all the time, many Germans have decided to give up their personal privacy altogether and now actively and gladly publish online practically ever damned freaking boring imaginable thing they do like ALL DAY/EVERY DAY/ALL LIFE LONG.

Internetz

Actually, I thought they were all doing that already.

And in a related story, the Deutsche Telekom is planning to introduce “a vast computer network linking smaller computer networks worldwide,” or at least German-wide. They are then going to call this innovative and highly original new invention of theirs the Internetz. Or they sure ought to.

Or how about the Inner-Netz?

“My philosophy is that information is more useful when it’s out in the open.”

Germans Concerned That Facebook Makes Them Even More Predictable Than They Already Are

A recent study entitled “Private traits and attributes are predictable from digital records of human behavior” has some 80 millian German privacy advocates terribly concerned that Facebook might even be more revealing than they already feared it was.

Facebook

The study has uncovered, for instance, that the vast number of users with female first names are in fact women. What is more, users who post pictures of themselves on Facebook run the very real risk of revealing to everyone their racial background. And perhaps creepiest of all was the discovery that the so-called “Facebook likes” a user “likes” with his or her Facebook like button reveal to the entire world just what it is said user “likes.”

This brings with it many sinister implications, of course. Unscrupulous data miners could deduce, for instance, that men who regularly like posts and pictures about beer are very likely to like beer themselves. Women, say, who actively like all things Barack Obama (especially after the first four years) are most definitely Democrats. And the list just goes on and on and on.

It is unclear at the moment what the privacy advocates will be able to do to curtail this flagrant invasion of privacy but at least most have agreed not to like it.

Mein Geschlecht, meine Hautfarbe, meine Drogen.

If It Wasn’t For Fake Names I wouldn’t Have No Names At All

Fake Germans everywhere are distraught about a legal battle Facebook ITSELF won yesterday in Germany affirming that users in that country must register on the website with their real names.

Facebook

This is a terrible blow to German privacy in general and the German Office of the Data Protection Commissioner in particular because, well, this leaves the door wide open for companies like Facebook “to determine their own policies about anonymity within the governing law” when offering their services and, uh, that is just plain unacceptable or something because, well, then people like the Data Protection Commissioner could soon be out of work.

Die Entscheidungen sind mehr als verblüffend.

Privacy Concern Has Its Price

And in this case it will be about 300,000 euros per day.

European authorities have taken Germany to court for failing to implement the E.U. Data Retention Directive.

The European Commission announced on Thursday that it wants the European Court of Justice to impose a fine of just over €315,000 (US$391,866) a day.

The Data Retention Directive requires telephone companies and ISPs to store huge amounts of telecommunications information, including data about email, phone calls and text messages, for law enforcement purposes.

So much for Germany being the Musterschüler (model student) in all things EU. Germans don’t like this law because they live in a POLICE STATE or something (albeit one that’s all in their minds). It’s not that Germans don’t trust their fellow Germans or anything, you see, it’s just that they don’t trust their fellow Germans.

Hey, they should know. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and all that? I guess I’d pay up, too.

Weil Berlin geltendes EU-Gesetz über die Vorratsdatenspeicherung nicht in nationales Recht übertragen hat, hat die EU-Kommission Deutschland vor dem Europäischen Gerichtshof verklagt.

Solidarity Time

Predictably, as necessitated by the somewhat psychologically deformed German perception of what constitutes crime, several German media have banded together to protest what they call “the criminalization of WikiLeaks.”

They did accidently make one or two good points here, though. In their joint declaration they wrote: Those who publish in the Internet should be treated no differently than classic journalists. I couldn’t agree more.

They also wrote: The state is no end in itself and must be able to withstand a confrontation with its own secrets. Again, I agree here. But maybe what they really meant to write was WikiLeaks is no end in itself and must be able to withstand a confrontation with its own secrets.

By the way, have you heard the latest?!? Julian Assange begged the judges on privacy grounds not to reveal his new mansion arrest address. It’s Ellingham Hall, an elegant ten-bedroom retreat in 600 secluded acres of Norfolk countryside, just in case you were wondering.

Oh, and get this. Apparantly the guy’s also really talented at writing creepy, lovesick emails. Check them out here!

Opps. Didn’t mean to leak that or anything. But it’s too late now. This doesn’t constitute a crime or anything, does it?

WikiLeaks ist kein Selbstzweck und muss eine Konfrontation mit den eigenen Geheimnissen aushalten.

Street View Egging Update

No good “anti-privacy vandals,” egging Street View opt-out homes like that.

It’s folks like this (the vandals, not them there folks up there) that give Street View a bad name in this country. Other than Google itself, I mean.

And the latest bizarre German Street View shot? How about this one: Capturing the birth of a baby on a street in a Berlin suburb, “although there are question-marks over the veracity of the incident.”

“We respect people’s right to remove their house from Street View and by no means consider this to be acceptable behaviour,” a Google spokesperson said.

Germans now to be frightened by Google Carbots

And they aren’t even here yet. But they will be, soon. Halloween is coming up, after all.

And you thought Street View was scary. This is going to be a real privacy invasion, people. These robotic nightmares have mind reading laser probes that will continually feed on their victims’ brain-stem cells and gather more personal information about them than even they (at Google Imperial Command) will know what to do with. But they will, with time.

Die sind immer und überall.

Give us your Festplatte

Boy oh boy. Does Germany’s ever have big Google by the little googles now.

Caught accidently (Google says) collecting private data while collecting WLAN data for their Street View photo archive (the first Google mess-up vis-a-vis Germany, as far as I’m concerned – other than offering Google here in the first place, I mean), Hamburg’s data protection supervisor dude has demanded that Google hand over their hard drive for inspection, or else.

Good thing for Google he doesn’t know that they actually have more than one.
 
Google apologized for collecting what it described as fragments of information from unsecured WLANs, saying its actions were inadvertent and the result of a programming error.