Surprise Terrorist Attack Shuts Down German Bundestag But Nobody Seems To Care All That Much Really

March 8, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hi-tech Tags: Berlin, Bundestag, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Outage, Power, Satire 5 Comments

Islamic terrorists disquised as construction crew workers for the Vattenfall power company plunged Berlin’s Bundestag into near total darkness and cluelessness (even more cluelessness than usual) after launching a successful surpise attack upon a power cable three meters below the earth at 09:00 this morning somewhere the-hell-if-I-know-where in Berlin Mitte.

Computers are down, toilets are out, Germany is tumbling leaderless through space and nobody anywhere around here gives a shit.

As one Bundestag representative reported: “We are unable to work.” “Yeah,” his neighbor replied. “And now the damned power is out too.”

The Vattenfall terrorists, realizing that their mission to put Germany in a panic has utterly failed, now say that they will have the power back up again around four this afternoon. Or manjana maybe. Mal sehen (see what happens).

“Wir sind arbeitsunfähig.”

More Miserable Management

March 7, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Boss, Bosses, Economy, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Management, Satire 2 Comments

In Germany, I mean.

I just wanted to share these highly German on-the-job motivational sayings with you, for no particular reason.

“Bread molds. Shit stinks. What can you do?”

“I’d like to go on vacation the way that you go to work.”

“I don’t have problems, I have employees.”

“Please shut the door. Or can’t you do that either?”

“Regular failure is also a form of reliability.”

“Ich kann Sie nur auf den Topf setzen. Drücken müssen Sie alleine.”

The ‘Merican Mini-Me Machine Mystery

March 6, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Dr. Evil, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, X-37B Leave a comment

While certain experts fear that Washington’s Geheimniskrämerei (secret-mongering) concerning the second launch of the X-37B “Mini-Me Shuttle” might make countries like China and Russia nervous, Germans have once again taken the initiative and become nervous first.

“The Air Force did confirm that this robotic space plane is designed to stay in orbit for 270 days,” one hand-wringing German official said. “But it hasn’t said anything about the mysterious and EVIL new technolgies that are to be tested with it. This kind of stuff bekanntlich (as you know) makes us nervous.”

Indeed, the only information the Air Force handed out to journalists at all was a short list of some of the Mini-Me Shuttle’s “favorite things:”

Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth
Humping the giant laser
Terrorizing Scott
Biting and
Being evil

Experten fürchten, dass Washingtons Geheimniskrämerei China und Russland nervös macht.

Tourists Threaten Kreuzberger Biotope

March 2, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Kreuzberg, Satire 2 Comments

“We have no intention of building a wall in Kreuzberg.” Not yet anyway. But if record-breaking numbers of tourists keep coming to Berlin all the freakin’ time, Green politicians may have to reconsider that.

It appears that certain residents in Berlin Kreuzberg have become quite hostile when it comes to hostels these days. They don’t want their colorful Kiez (neighborhood) tainted by tacky tourists. They want to keep on doing the tainting themselves.

Remember: This is the same biotope where expensive cars go up in spontaneous combustion on a regular basis and McDonalds restaurants are the work of the devil herself. Tourism? Nein danke!

Die Grünen wollen die Zahl der Hostels und Hotels in dem Bezirk beschränken, außerdem umweltfreundliche Unterkünfte mit Ökosiegel auszeichnen.

Germans Won’t Buy The Right Gasoline

March 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, E10, Environment, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

Actually, it’s the left gasoline, but still.

Strange, isn’t it? On the one hand, you probably won’t be able to find a nation more vocal when it comes to saving the environment and/or planet than Germany. On the other hand, it would be hard to imagine a nation of car freaks more freakish about their big German cars than Germans are (the dirtiest in Europe – the cars not the drivers).

Anyways, car freaks everywhere in Germany have united and are absolutely positively refusing to buy the latest thing that is good for them, an “organic” fuel called E10 that contains 10 percent ethanol. The reason? Rumor has it that this stuff can cause motor damage on some car models. Everybody’s buying super instead and now there’s a super shortage, which is anything but super.

I guess you have to ask yourself one question, punks: Your planet or your car? You know, kind of like that old Jack Benny gag where the armed thief asks “Your money or your life?” and Jack Benny won’t answer at first and finally replies “I’m thinking.”

Bisher sind die Autofahrer überwiegend nicht bereit, den neuen Bio-Kraftstoff E10 mit zehn Prozent Ethanol zu tanken.

7.5 Million Germans Don’t Read Write!

February 28, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Higher Education Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Literacy, Reading, Satire, Writing 2 Comments

I mean read right, of course. But is that really all that bad? The other 70+ million apparently believe everything they read. So like what’s worse?

They believe at first glance, for instance, that 7.5 million Germans are completely illiterate (nearly a tenth of the population?). Then they might look a little closer and find out that “only” 300,000 Germans can’t read at all, which is bad enough, but still.

Of course that two million Germans “can only read and write individual words” (whatever that means) and another 5.2 million are really, really poor at reading and writing doesn’t sound all that encouraging either, but it’s still a long way off from “7.5 million Germans can’t read.” But hey, somebody has to right this stuff.

Rund zwei Millionen der Betroffenen könnten nur einzelne Worte lesen und schreiben und weitere 5,2 Millionen Menschen scheitern an kurzen Texten, könnten aber mit einzelnen Sätzen umgehen.

Smashingly Successful Satellite Soon To Smash Into Earth

February 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, ROSAT, Satellites, Satire 1 Comment

A great scientific success or something, it looks like the 2,400kg German X-ray satellite telescope ROSAT will be less successful when it reenters our planet’s atmosphere later this year.

It is unlikely to burn up entirely due to the large amount of ceramics and glass used for its construction. Parts as heavy as 400kg could crash on the Earth sometime between October and December 2011. And if that wasn’t bad enough, even more frightening are the calculations that show how some of these parts could actually even hit, gulp, Germany. Of all places.

Wissenschaftlich gesehen, daran besteht kein Zweifel, war das fliegende Observatorium ein Erfolg.

German 80 Percent Rule Kicks In Again

February 25, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, Doctorate, German, Germans, Germany, Guttenberg, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

OK, OK. This time it’s only 75 percent, but they’re at a real low right now. Give them another week or two.

When Germans decide to go with a fixed idea (obsession? delusion?) they do so with typical German thoroughness (typical German thoroughness is another fixed idea, obsession or delusion). In this case, they have decided to keep liking their defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, plagiarism or not. Some 75 percent of Germans asked think he should stay in office after the University of Bayreuth took back his doctorate.

The German Left (meaning political opposition) is enraged, of course, but who cares? They’re always enraged about something. And some of the irony here is that this particular article comes from the Bild Zeitung itself, another thing that outrages the outraged German Left (always has, always will). They claim that Guttenberg was “created” by the Bild, like Dr. Frankenstein created his monster, I guess. And being that the German man or woman on the street is too dumb to know what is best for him or her, or so their thinking, they are all the more enraged that he/she has decided to stick to Guttenberg anyway, despite their quite loud and vocal enragement. Like how enraging is that?

Nur 22 Prozent sind der Meinung, zu Guttenberg soll aufgrund dieser Vorwürfe als Verteidigungsminister zurücktreten, drei Viertel (75 Prozent) verneinen dies. Drei Prozent sind unentschlossen.

Are these the sanctions you were talking about, Guido?

February 24, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Libya, Satire, Weapons Leave a comment

The issue of German exports is more complex. After the embargo was lifted, Germany’s arms business with Libya was quickly put back on track. German exports to Libya were worth €53 million in 2009, the third highest in Europe.

The Gadhafi regime has been blocking the mobile phone and GPS networks in Libya for days — possibly with the help of German technology — to prevent protesters from being able to communicate with each other.

And there is also controversy over the radar technology that Germany supplied to Libya to help it secure its borders. In 2010, the EU pledged to give the dictator €50 million so that Libya could prevent African refugees from reaching Europe’s coasts. But this and other deals like it are now coming back to bite the EU.

“The situation in Libya illustrates the fundamental problem that the long-term effects of arms transfers are not taken into account.”

Shocking Study Results: Men And Women Appear To Be “Different”

February 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Men, Satire, Women 3 Comments

Researchers in Germany are scratching their heads in astonishment. A study entitled “Typical Man, Typical Woman” has revealed that men and women not only behave in typical man-like and woman-like ways, they actually even behave “differently” from one another.

Some 65 percent of the men tested liked talking about sports, for instance, whereas 75 percent of the women preferred gossip concerning their respective circle of friends.

Nearly 50 percent of young women tested classified themselves as being “communicative” (that means that they like to talk a lot) whereas a mere 21 percent of the men tested saw themselves so.

These completely unexpected results have led many researches to question the seriousness of the study and the methods used. A new study may now be necessary. Typical.

„Die Alltagswirklichkeiten von Mann und Frau haben sich zwar zunehmend angenähert, nicht aber das Interessenspektrum.“

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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