Only in Germany

October 6, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, Stuttgart 21 4 Comments

Possible Al Qaeda terrorist attacks? Who cares? Germans have more important things to get hysterical about: A train station project.

That’s right. But this isn’t just any train station project we’re talking about here, folks. This is the now imfamous “Stutttgart 21” train station project, whatever the hell that means.

I don’t understand this, as usual. And the more I read about it the more I see how I won’t be able to. As far as I can tell, it’s a new station that’s part of a long planned high-speed rail project that would connect Stuttgart to nearby Ulm as part of a major European transportation infrastructure project “that would eventually see a high-speed link running between Paris and Bratislava, Slovakia.”

So far so good. But then “das Volk” in Stuttgart went ape about something. I still don’t really know what it was, other than maybe it’s about having to cut down a few trees to build this thing, but now it’s devolved into out and out Revolutionary Romanticism (German style), complete with heroic demonstrations of resistance and real live police brutality (only after the demonstrators provoked them, of course).

Building a freakin’ train station becomes a Politikum (big political issue) here, in other words. But that won’t really surprise anyone who has spent any time in Germany. This kind of stuff happens here all the time. It’s easy to be part of the German Resistance Movement This Week when what you’re resisting is as, well, about as harmless as it gets. It’s so pitiful it’s not even funny. It’s hilarious.

Once the Stuxnet worm infects a system…

October 3, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Hi-tech Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Iran, Sabotage, Satire, Siemens Leave a comment

Whether it be a Siemens system in China, Indonesia, India, the United States, Australia, Britain, Malaysia, Pakistan and, oh yeah, now in Germany too “it quickly sets up communications with a remote server computer that can be used to steal proprietary information or take control of the SCADA system.”

Other than in those systems in Iran, I mean.

Just in time for Germany’s the big 20th anniversary reunification party or what?

“I can’t stand it! I know you planned it!”

Bad General

October 2, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Hurt Feelings Tags: Afghanistan, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Obama, Satire Leave a comment

No, not the one staring Harvey Keitel.

There’s apparantly a brisante (politically charged) quote in Bob Woodward’s new poltically charged book, “Obama’s Wars.” And no, it’s not about Obama.

An American general (I won’t give his real name–let’s just call him James Jones) hurt German soldier feelings really bad a while back by telling them “You’re not going to fight anyway, so we don’t need you” (in Afghanistan). The Germans refused to fight with him about it, however.

Can you imagine that? The next thing you know this Watergate Woodward guy will start digging up negative quotes about the President himself.

„Wir haben den Deutschen gesagt, ihr kämpft eh nicht, wir brauchen euch nicht.”

German egotism now to end

October 1, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Egotism, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

In a surprise announcement that absolutely no one interests or would believe one moment if it did, not-so-well-known futurologist Prof. Horst Opaschowski has announced the end of German egotism as we know it. Like in our time or something. Well it was a surprise announcement for me.

The age of the “Ichlinge” (The Me People) is coming to an end, says the Professor. After the finanical crisis, he says, Germans are now turning away in disgust from self-indulgence and mismanagement. They’ve seen the light, so-to-speak. “They want honorable businessmen and honest politicians. The yearning for secruity and solidarity within society is growing.”

His nose is growing too, I bet. Or this guy is terribly and deeply confused. Or maybe he just lives under a rock somewhere in the German pampa. He means well though, I guess, and that always “goes in the pants” over here, as the saying goes (goes awry).

At any rate, I pity the fool who believes a word Mr. Nostradamus here has to say. But not all that much really. After all, I’m only in this here for number one.

Deutsche suchen Sicherheit und soziale Geborgenheit.

Greenpeace stages atomic art happening

September 28, 2010 By Hermann Observer in High Art, Hysteria Tags: Atomic power, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Nuclear power, Satire 6 Comments

Approving stuff in Germany is always problematic. Disapproval is almost always vorprogrammiert (preprogrammed). That’s why when the German government made clear its intention to extend the country’s use of nuclear power, everybody adhering to the ideological requirements of korrekt German Green thinking disapproved–and that’s a whole lot of folks too.

But at least the Greens at Greenpeace got a little creative about it this time (or as usual?). Protesters projected images with the slogan “atomic power damages Germany” onto the side of several of the country’s nuclear reactors. As far as I can tell, their reason for doing this was to explain to everybody that atomic power damages Germany. Not that they didn’t already know this, the main thing was that this was an Aktion. You know, one of those “happening” thingies?

And I don’t do art so I had to look it up: “A happening is a performance, event or situation meant to be considered as an art, usually as performance art. Happenings take place anywhere (from basements to studio lofts and even street alleyways), are often multi-disciplinary, with a nonlinear narrative and the active participation of the audience.”

Multi-disciplinary? Does that mean they’re gonna get in trouble for doing dis? Nah.

Die Atomkraftwerke in Deutschland sollen im Schnitt 12 Jahre länger am Netz bleiben als nach dem bisherigen Atomkonsens.

Der Stein des Anstoßes

September 27, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Home Cooking Tags: Beer, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Oktoberfest, Satire 3 Comments

The stone (as in bone) of contention here actually is a stein this time. You know, those one-liter beer steins they use down there at the Oktoberfest? And the party must really be hopping this year. Attacks with beer steins are way up.

There have been 32 injuries so far, but it looks like the party just got started.

And it’s like sooo international. A Frenchman threw his stein into a group of Italians. The Italians then took their steins and charged the French and one of them ended up in the hospital with a fractured skull. In an unrelated incident, another Frenchmen took out an Austrian. A Serb tossed his beer stein behind him and conked his neighbor in the head. A Canadian got slammed in the head with a stein and the stein actually broke (the Canadian survived). And I guess they don’t even bother to report about all the German stein attack incidents.

Damn. This gives “getting mugged” a whole new meaning.

The large turnout at this year’s festival, brought on by warm weather and the commemoration of its 200th anniversary, could be responsible for the increase in beer stein attacks (of course the large turnout of beer might be responsible too).

Anybody out there remember Clay Headquarters in Berlin?

September 24, 2010 By Hermann Observer in History Tags: Berlin, Clay Headquarters, Film, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, U.S. Army 3 Comments

I didn’t think so.

But in case you do, it’s up for sale now. I’m sure it’s a steal. They can’t tear it down (it’s basically an Adolf bunker), so make them an offer they can’t refuse.

PS: You may be familiar with it after all, whether you actually remember it or not. Parts of “Inglourious Basterds” and “Valkyrie” were shot there.

“Green Politician Survives Pie Attack Unscathed”

September 23, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Pie, Satire, Trittin 3 Comments

I don’t make this stuff up, people. This title was the real thing and wasn’t meant as a joke.

The attack had something to do with “professional revolutionary” anti-nuke protestors or something. They were apparently pissed off that the anti-nuke Greens aren’t anti-nuke enough. So Green boss Jürgen Trittin got nuked with an anti-pie (from somebody’s auntie?) during a podium discussion. You know, the kind of podium discussions Jerry Springer used to have?

This particular discussion was entitled “Ideals and Realpolitik” so now we have the rest of the story. Geez, how could pies not have been thrown there?

Trittin’s not going to press chages, though. I guess the incident was too pienlich (embarassing) for him.

„Das intellektuelle Niveau dieser Argumentation eines Menschen, der sich selbst als Berufsrevolutionärin bezeichnet, ist beleidigend für jeden intelligenten Revolutionär. Nebenbei bemerkt ist Poddig wahrscheinlich die erste Berufsrevolutionärin, die nichts dabei findet, auf einer Veranstaltung aufzutreten, die mit staatlichen Geldern finanziert wird.“

We’re not clearing any Roma settlements!

September 17, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Roma, Satire, Sinti Leave a comment

You must have misunderstood me or something, Nico.

Germany would never clear Roma and Sinti settlements. But that’s only because they don’t exist here. We send our Roma back individually. And very quietly. Got about 12,000 to go. So pipe it down about that from now on, will ya?

Nach Angaben des Bundesinnenministeriums wurden in diesem Jahr bis Ende Juli 102 Roma in den Kosovo ausgewiesen.

Germans at 87%

September 16, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Obama, Satire Leave a comment

My, this really is significant. The Germans have finally come down from the mid to high 90s (no, not the temperature – or not precisely, anyway). I mean the Obama Worship Index or whatever the hell you call it. The rest of Europe brings the average down a bit lower to 78%, but still.

Wow. Who would have ever thought that? Finally, a real news item. The survey says: “Obama far more popular in Europe than America.” I had no idea. Uh, been there, done that, haven’t we?

And of course there are bound to be reasons for why this is so back home, but nobody over here would be particularly interested in those reasons because, well, “Obama far more popular in Europe than America.” And the bad stuff can still be attributed to Bush anyway, right? I don’t believe that there’s a statute of limitations on that one.

Obama’s approval rating stands at an enviable 78% among them, compared to a more mediocre 52% among the US public.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Satire