Germany To Receive Electroshock Therapy

In another electrifying example of tax dollar waste (or in this case tax euro waste), Angela Merkel’s government has just made a deal with automakers to spend some 1.2 billion euros on incentives to boost sluggish electric car sales in Germany.

Electroshock

“The goal is to move forward as quickly as possible on electric vehicles,” one high-ranking government official said while attaching the electrodes to the German nation’s sweaty forehead. “With this, we are giving an impetus.”

And if that first shock doesn’t work, who cares? This is renewable energy they’re using here, folks.

Just over 30,000 electric vehicles, which are more expensive than conventional models, have been sold in Germany. That’s a tiny fraction of the more than 3 million cars bought each year in a country which has historically leaned on diesel technology to reduce carbon-dioxide emissions.

Bye American

And take those dopey google-goggle thingies with you when you go.

Obama

And don’t let the virtually real door hit you on your way out.

And no tongues.

Buy American, buy German – auf der Hannover Messe frotzeln Merkel und Obama miteinander. Die Regierungschefs wissen, dass sich die Unternehmen ihrer Länder einen harten Kampf um Absatzmärkte liefern.

A Secret German Laboratory?

An “underground” research facility run by an elite staff of sinister scientist specialist types? Right here in the heart of Berlin?

Apple

Damn. Sounds pretty creepy to me. And I think I even saw that one once, too. Didn’t you? Wasn’t that the one with Michael Caine in it?

Apple could be developing the Apple Car in a secret Berlin lab, according to a report from Frankfurter Allgemeine. The German publication said on Monday that it had “learned from informed sources that Apple is running a secret laboratory for the development of an automobile — and this in the middle of Berlin.”

Wie deutsch wird das Apple-Auto? Eine Denkfabrik aus 20 Branchenexperten soll in Berlin an einem Geschäftsmodell für das iCar arbeiten. Die Pläne sind angeblich schon sehr konkret.

German Of The Day: Fiasko

That means fiasco. You know, like the state-ordained Energiewende?

Wind

Berlin likes to think of itself as a green-energy example to the rest of the world. It sure is.

It makes you wonder if there’s any form of energy-price signal that governments won’t ignore. Germany’s 16-year-old Energiewende, or energy transformation, already has wrecked the country’s energy market in its quest to wean the economy off fossil fuels and nuclear power. Traditional power plants, including those that burn cleaner gas, have been closing left and right while soaring electricity prices push industries overseas and bankrupt households. Job losses run to the tens of thousands.

But now Berlin is going to fix all of this – again.

Derzeit gehe der Ausbau zu schnell und werde zu erheblichen Mehrkosten bei der Umlage zur Ökostrom-Förderung führen.

News Flash: Wealth Unevenly Distributed Here

Germans everywhere were shocked to discover today that the nation’s wealth has not been evenly, uniformly and fairly distributed as had previously been believed.

Wealth

“Wah? Howya figure?” asked one dumbfounded German upon being informed by Spiegel-Online that the upper ten percent of his fellow countrymen possesses 60 percent of Germany’s wealth while the lower half only owns a lousy 2.5 percent of it (leaving lots of wealth left over somewhere else if I’ve done the math correctly, but still). “This sure is news to me. We Germans have all been raised in the confidence that we live in an ideal, egalitarian society in which things like income inequality are absolutely unthinkable and unheard of, much less possible. Why, these are amerikanische Verhältnisse or something! Why weren’t we informed of this earlier?”

Spiegel-Online apologized for this but then comforted their distraught readers by explaining that at least every German household enjoys having some 214,000 euros ($240,000) at its disposal – on average.

Jeder Haushalt besitzt 214.000 Euro – im Schnitt.

Oman

Beautiful German weapon sale of the week.

Oman

Because somebody has to admire them.

In January, Economy Minister Gabriel (SPD) said Germany may look harder at its arms exports to Saudi Arabia after the Gulf kingdom carried out its biggest mass execution for decades. In addition, Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier (SPD) has repeatedly said that Berlin wants to deescalate tensions in the Middle East.

Greens Ready For Next Verbot

Coffee capsules. They’re colorful. They’re deadly. And they must be stopped.

Kapseln

According to German green scientists, these throwaway capsules produced “a mountain of garbage consisting of 5000 tons of aluminum and plastic” in 2014 alone. They refused to say where this mountain was located, however. The mountain is neither here nor there, folks. The important thing is that these capsules must be combated by introducing a so-called “deposit system” or “environmental tax,” two radical new German green ideas never yet tried before. It will be tough. And expensive. And annoying as hell. But we can only hope that their efforts will once again save our planet in time.

In Deutschland wurden dem “Spiegel” zufolge 2014 fast drei Milliarden Kaffeekapseln verbraucht. Das entspreche einem Müllberg von etwa 5000 Tonnen Aluminium und Plastik.

365/24 = 24/7/365

Or 15.20833333333333, if you prefer.

Berlin

And here you thought my math was bad. And it is. But Berlin’s tourism experts seem to be even worse at it because their new slogan just does not add up at all: 365/24. At least it doesn’t for the numerous people around town making fun of it these days.

It is supposed to imply that Berlin is a way cool place that never closes, of course, but a lot of citizens here don’t really see it that way. Lots and lots of stuff and places that never close are broken/closed/being rebuilt here all the time and it is not at all uncommon to wait around way more than 365/24 for them to open up again. And they aren’t impressed with the slogan’s lack of originality, either.

And while we’re at it (laughing at Berlin, I mean), there’s a new book out that’s got a number in its slogan, too. It’s called “111 Reasons to Hate Berlin.” Here is one of them that all Berliners love, I mean hate: Whether in the summer heat, the snow, the rain or even if it’s just an uneven hour of the day, the S-Bahn craps out along the entire line.

“Berlin ist nicht nur scheiße. Es ist noch scheißer, als es mal war. Und das muss man erst mal schaffen. Berlin gibt Scheiße eine ganz neue Definition.”

I Got Your Trading Partner For You Right Here, Pal

For the first time in 40 years US-Amerika has now surpassed France as Germany’s most important trading partner.

Trading Partner

Of course now everybody is trying to figure out who to blame for this and how to fix it.

One theory goes that the policy of low interest rates and the government bonds buyback program by European Central Bank president Mario Draghi has devalued the euro and made selling in other parts of the world a whole lot easier. I’ll “buy” that. Hardy, har, har.

Erstmals seit vier Jahrzehnten haben die USA Frankreich als wichtigsten Handelspartner Deutschlands abgelöst. 2015 seien Waren im Wert von 173,2 Milliarden Euro zwischen Deutschland und den Vereinigten Staaten gehandelt worden.

If The Lawsuit Fits, Wear it

I’ve got your unresolved emissions issues for you right here, pal.

VW

But what’s $48 billion to Volkswagen? Wait a minute. Actually, wow. That’s quite a bit.

Remember when Germans used to be greener than green?

Although such U.S. lawsuits are typically settled at a fraction of the theoretical maximum penalty, analysts said the size of the claim meant Volkswagen (VW) could face a larger bill than previously anticipated.