Suspicious Object Found At SPD Headquarters

And it wasn’t the Schulz effect, either.

Stegner

German police gave an all-clear on Monday at the headquarters of the Social Democratic Party (SPD) in Berlin after it was evacuated due to a suspicious object found in the mail room.

The object, being the face and attached body of SPD federal chairman and state chairman of Schleswig-Holstein Ralf Stegner (aka “the face of defeat”), was found loitering around the mail room, mumbling incoherently (even though there were no microphones in sight), apparently having been looking for fan mail. For hours and hours and hours on end, I assume.

“There was nothing found on Stegner that could have been termed dangerous,” a police spokesman later said as his colleagues led Stegner back outside to put him on a FlixBus to Kiel. “Other than that face, I mean.”

City Of Berlin Files Criminal Complaint Against City of Berlin’s Police Department

Just another example of how Berlin works. Or doesn’t work, I should say.

Amri

German authorities are investigating explosive new allegations of a police cover-up over Anis Amri, the Berlin Christmas market attacker. The Berlin regional government has filed criminal charges against two of its own police officers alleging they falsified documents to cover up a missed opportunity to arrest Amri more than a month before the attack.

But seeing how absolutely nothing ever works here, there will be some legal technicality or something else along those lines that will screw up these criminal charges. But not to worry. Because seeing how absolutely nothing ever works here, the alleged cover-up will not have properly covered up what they were trying to cover up, either. The truth always raises its ugly little head. Even in Berlin.

“Es gibt keine Garantie, dass er auch in Haft gekommen wäre.”

Germans Disturbed That Racial Profiling Actually Worked

But not all too much, it seems.

Profiling
I mean, who ought those police checks on New Year’s Eve in Cologne have been directed toward? Blonde Scandanavian retirees? Something tells me that would have been less effective than the emphasis they placed on Nafris.

A YouGov poll released on Thursday found that the majority of Germans said racial profiling was not problematic, amid criticism of police checks on New Year’s Eve in Cologne. Sixty-three percent of Germans in the YouGov poll said they did not find racial profiling generally problematic.

Mehrheit der Deutschen hält Racial Profiling für unproblematisch, US-Amerikaner denken anders

Arresting One Of The Fourteen Would Have Been Enough

Why did German authorities fail to stop Anis Amri, Spiegel asks? Like, duh. Because they can. And boy oh boy can they ever.

Amri

I mean, what didn’t go wrong here? Now it’s come out that this guy was known to German authorities under fourteen different identities long before the attack in Berlin took place. Nothing suspicious there, right? That’s why nothing was undertaken, I guess. Now people are asking why but they already know why because that’s why German authorities are there. To do nothing. Except get reprimanded for using bad words. That’s why. Inspires confidence, doesn’t it?

Aus einem Bericht des NRW-Landeskriminaldirektors Dieter Schürmann vor dem Ausschuss ging hevor, dass Amri den deutschen Behörden unter insgesamt 14 verschiedenen Identitäten bekannt war.

Sharia Police

Sounds like it would make a good cop show to me.

Sharia Police

I know. To give the German version an interesting twist they ought to name the main cop dude something bizarre like, I dunno, Sven or something.

An Islamist preacher suspected of leading self-styled “Sharia police” patrols in a German city is going on trial in Duesseldorf.

In 2014, Mr Lau is said to have led a group of men wearing high-visibility vests emblazoned with “Sharia police” on patrols in Wuppertal, western Germany in a bid to enforce their ultra-conservative interpretation of Islam.

Berlin Is So Poor…

Poor? The city of Berlin is so poor that it can’t even afford the bullets for its policemen anymore.

Taser

Berlin’s plans to arm police patrols with taser guns would make it the first German state to implement extensive use of the electroshock weapon.

Makes good economic sense to me. Because then all they have to do is just hook them up to solar panels to recharge overnight.

Spätestens seitdem ein Beamter im Juni 2013 einen geistig verwirrten, bewaffneten Mann im Neptunbrunnen in Mitte erschoss, wird die politische Debatte um die Anschaffung der Taser geführt – auch und vor allem im Kontext des grotesk schlechten Zustands der Berliner Schießstände, an denen Polizisten den Einsatz ihrer Waffen in regelmäßigen Abständen trainieren müssen. In den vergangenen zwei Jahren hatten viele Beamte gar nicht mehr mit scharfer Munition üben, sondern lediglich ein Laser-Simulationsschießen als Ersatz absolvieren können.*

* That big long German sentence says, among other things, that Berlin cops don’t even have a decent firing range so they have to practice using laser simulation shooting.

Ex-Miss Germany Confirms Ex-Mister Germany Shot By Currently Reigning German Cops

An ex-Miss Germany friend of an el wacko former Mister Germany (who denies the existence of the Federal Republic of Germany) has confirmed that he was shot while being evicted from his home (a little place he calls “Primeval Nation”) during a police action in a town that goes by the name of Zeitz.

Mister

Adrian Ursache apparently had started a group of so-called “Reichsbürger”, or citizens of the Reich, who do not recognize the current government of the Federal Republic of Germany and therefore do not believe they should pay taxes or fines.

Up until the cops came to evict him Ursache apparently also refused to recognize the existence of German police weapons, too.

“Adrian war ehrlicherweise immer schon ein bisschen durchgeknallt*, aber dass es so eskaliert, macht uns sprachlos.”

* German of the day: Durchgeknallt. That means cuckoo.

Bomb Actually Sex Toy

So like, it doesn’t even qualify as a sex bomb?

Sex Toy

German police called to the scene of a suspected bomb could breathe a sigh of relief when the feared explosive device turned out to be a sex toy…

Three explosives experts of the Office of Criminal Investigation in the state of Saxony-Anhalt were called in to defuse the ‘bomb’

However, when the bomb squad examined the bin, they found that the explosive device was in fact a battery-powered vibrating penis ring.

Two men in the squad, Dick und Doof, answered the ring, saying “Hallo? Hallo?” but were unfortunately unable to determine just who had placed the call.

Aus Sorge vor einem Sprengsatz evakuierte die Polizei die Spielothek sowie umliegende Geschäfte, brachte etwa 90 Menschen in Sicherheit und sperrte eine Straße.

We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

Landshut – A desperate mother called the police in Landshut because her seven-year-old daughter refused to go to bed. It had come to a heated argument between the two, the police reported, during which the girl insulted her mother and threw various objects at her. Once the 28-year-old got to the end of her rope she alerted the police. The officers calmed down the flared tempers. After a “tooth brushing under official supervision,” a policewoman brought the girl to bed.

Police

Landshut – Eine verzweifelte Mutter hat in Landshut die Polizei gerufen, weil ihre siebenjährige Tochter nicht ins Bett gehen wollte. Es kam zu einem heftigen Streit zwischen den beiden, wie die Polizei mitteilte. Dabei beleidigte das Mädchen die Mutter und bewarf sie mit verschiedenen Gegenständen. Als sich die 28-Jährige nicht mehr zu helfen wusste, alarmierte sie am Abend die Polizei. Die Beamten beruhigten die erhitzten Gemüter. Eine Polizistin brachte das Mädchen nach «einer Zahnreinigung unter amtlicher Aufsicht» ins Bett.

Police Brutality Is Real

Police in Berlin had to drag a man from a bus on Wednesday evening after he refused to stop eating a Döner which he’d brought on board.

Döner

It’s a far cry from the relaxed attitude promoted in BVG advertising.

Döner im Bus ist verboten – was ist denn erlaubt?