Category Archives: Humor

This Is The End

August 11, 2015 By in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , 5 Comments

The end of German society as we know it, I mean. The latest survey says it’s all over but the Heulen (crying).

Germans

A shocking 71 per cent of Germans, it turns out, would risk crossing the street even when the pedestrian signal is red.

39 per cent of Germans said they had taken public transport without paying for a ticket.

And 20 per cent of cyclists said they would run a red light.

Asked what most represents Germany to them, 63 per cent of respondents named Volkswagen, ahead of Goethe (49 per cent), Angela Merkel (45 per cent), and the national anthem (44 per cent). Somewhat alarmingly, Adolf Hitler came seventh, named by 25 per cent of those polled.

Speaking Of Construction Projects…

August 6, 2015 By in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

So just let me get this straight. After one year Egypt has opened a major expansion of the freakin’ Suez Canal, deepening the waterway and providing ships with a 22 mile channel parallel to it.

Suez

Meanwhile, in Berlin…

The non-working airport, Berlin Brandenburg International (some prefer to call it Klaus Wowereit International), should have started working three years ago. It may start working in two years’ time. No one knows.

The most important thing to remember is German efficiency – both the term and concept – exists in our English-speaking world but not in theirs. You never hear Germans talking about German efficiency. Anyone who lives in Berlin knows why… While Germany may have a system for everything, Berlin proves every day there’s no system for when the system fails.

German Sommerloch Update: Two New Mysterious Extraterrestrial Phenomena Found Near Berlin

July 31, 2015 By in Habitudes, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hustle (Hoax) Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

No, not in Friedrichshain. NEAR Berlin. In a place called Großziethen. The Germans in this area call these phenomena “Kornkreise” and they appear to be designs or patterns laid down gently in a growing crop, leaving the surrounding crop untouched. By aliens.

Here is a picture of a German Kornkreis taken earlier this year.

Kornkreis

Needless to say, German Kornkreise are not spread randomly across the countryside but always appear near roads, areas of medium to dense population and Ortschaften (places) like Großziethen where there is obviously very, very little to do.

Two new crop circles have recently appeared in a suburb of Berlin and Dave Keating reports…

English Of The Day: Fancy

July 30, 2015 By in Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Flula: “I tried to eat items. You know, food? And I was in a restaurant to eat some food. But the salad that I did like it was having like a weird thing. Some strange cheeses…”

“Get away from my fancy. It’s my fancy.”

Or check out the “he is from, where are you from?” pseudo-dirndl-gal who’s way too excited about learning how to be German. In Los Angeles.

First Sommerloch Monster Sighting Already Over

July 28, 2015 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: , , , , , , , 4 Comments

They don’t usually catch them, this time of year. But they had this guy in the bag in no time.

Kangaroo

Kangaroos in Brandenburg? Why not, they’re in Sauerland and Rheinland these days, too.

I do wonder if Germany’s nature engineers have thought this through thoroughly, however. Didn’t they just reintroduce wolves here reently?

Polizisten, ein Tierarzt und Anwohner haben in Teltow-Fläming stundenlang ein Buschkänguru gejagt. Erst Betäubungspfeile konnten es stoppen.

Sommerloch Tornado Coming This Way!

July 24, 2015 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, High Art, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The German Sommerloch is famous for being the time for scary none-news news reports. It is also famous for being the time for reports about scary non-animal animals, too.

Sharknado

That is why everybody is all hot and bothered right now about that scary low front “Zeljko“ approching Germany as you read this. Many Sommerloch weather forecasters are worried that this could be the beginning of a real live Sommerloch tornado (ignore the fact that Germany doesn’t actually do tornados, please).

Others who prefer to remain anonymous are going to go even further out on the limb and are predicting that “Zeljko“ could turn into the dreaded Sommerloch Sharknado ITSELF!

Im ersten Teil bekämpfen sie die fliegenden Haie in Los Angeles, in Teil zwei in New York und in „Sharknado 3 – Oh Hell No!“ macht sich der Raubtier-Tornado über der gesamten Ostküste der USA breit.

Germans Arrive In Tehran For Piece Talks

July 20, 2015 By in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Piece of the pie talks, that is.

Roughly four minutes after a deal with world powers over Iran’s nuclear program was reached, Germany’s Economy Minister Sigmar Gabriel flew down to Tehran (and boy are his arms tired) in another selfless attempt to bring more love and understanding to the troubled  region and make tons and tons of money selling German stuff to the moolah-mullahs again in the process.

Iran

German exports to Iran hit 4.4 billion euros in 2005 but then slumped to 1.8 billion by 2013 as the West tightened the sanctions imposed over Iran’s nuclear programme. However, the agreement between Iran and six world powers including Germany has opened the prospect that the sanctions will be removed.