What Do You Mean You Won’t Buy Our Stuff Anymore?

November 21, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy Tags: Berlin, Dept, Economy, EU, Euro, Euro Crisis, Exports, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany 1 Comment

Europe’s largest economy, may slow to a near standstill next year as the region’s debt crisis saps demand for exports.

You know that scene in Austin Powers when Dr. Evil says an evil funny and he and his evil cronies start laughing loudly in a sinister fashion and just laugh and laugh and laugh and then finally stop laughing because, well, you just can’t keep on laughing like that forever, no matter how evil the joke?

Well it’s the same thing with German Schadenfreude about being fein raus (off the hook) and everybody else out there doing the suffering, economically speaking. You can only enjoy that Schadenfreude for so long, folks. So like export a few more good chuckles out of this while you can.

“The global economic recession triggered by the international financial crisis will be long-term.”

British Selfish, Germans Bossy

November 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, High Art, History, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Cameron, Diplomacy, Euro, Euro Crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Merkel, Satire, UK Leave a comment

British Prime Minister David Cameron just can’t wait to visit German Chancellor Angela Merkel in Berlin today. Honest.

They really like each other. Really. Despite the clashing views on the euro and the suspicion and the reproaches and the German bashing and the Schadenfreude and those behind the scenes upbraids and the secret plans and those numerous ugly encounters on the football field (some call it soccer) we have all had to watch because we just can’t look away.

Geez. Why can’t everybody be more down-to-earth and even-keeled and well-liked like us Americans?

“We are sick of you criticizing us.”

Bond, Sovereign Bond

November 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, History, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Central Banks, Civil Courage, Euro, Euro Crisis, Europe, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Inflation, Satire 1 Comment

So, is it time for the sweet poison or the silver bullet? Germany (or one German) is the last man standing and it’s time to pay up or shut up.

Can Germany (and Germany’s “independent” Bundesbank President Jens Weidmann) jump over its/his shadow and allow the European Central Bank to become the lender of last resort in Europe’s never-ending efforts to prop up the euro?

Pump up the volume already. Half a dozen bailout packages and half a trillion euros later, Greece is closer to leaving the euro zone than ever before and Italy now seems bound for bankruptcy, too. Who’s next? And where’s the money? It looks like Europe’s arsenal is down to one last taboo here: Let the ECB vouch for all of the outstanding debt of the debtor nations, “permanently, to an unlimited extent and in violation of all applicable laws.” Germany, for some strange (and wonderful) reason, is still against doing this.

You know the deal, my fellow Americans. It’s the easy way out: “Print money and drown the debt crisis in a sea of liquidity.” Look what its done for us – so far.

Hey look, I don’t know much about economics (nor do at least half of the world’s economists, for that matter), but I do know that if President Barack Obama, President Nicolas Sarkozy and European Commission President José Manuel Barroso are all urging the Germans to abandon their resistance to the ECB plan, it’s probably best for the rest of us out there if this Weidmann guy sticks to his guns. I wouldn’t bet money on him doing so, though. And I certainly wouldn’t bet using the euro.

He mechanically recited the traditional mantras of the Bundesbank: “independence,” “a culture of stability” and “credibility.”

Colonization From Outer Space Denied

November 8, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, High Art, Hysteria Tags: Aliens, Berlin, Economy, EU, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, The Euro Crisis, The Financial Crisis, UFOs Leave a comment

Although the Obama administration has taken the time and effort to officially announce that the US government currently has no credible evidence backing up the claim that aliens have secretly colonized our planet, other sources point to a secret economic colonization of Europe now taking place by Germans, like currently already, as we speak so to speak.

These sources say: What we are witnessing is the economic colonisation of Europe by stealth by the Germans.

Once, it would have taken an invading military force to topple the leadership of a European nation. Today, it can be done through sheer economic pressure: it might be that within a few days the Germans — along with their French allies — will have secured regime change in the two most tiresome countries in the eurozone (Greece and Italy).

Perhaps the Germans, as the new masters of Europe, have been lulled into a false sense of security by Ireland’s response to the savage austerity measures imposed upon it in return for its bailout.

But there’s more: “Opinion polls now indicate more than 50% of the American people believe there is an alien-like German presence secretly taking over Europe and more than 80% believe the government is not telling the truth about this phenomenon. The people have a right to know. The people can handle the truth.”

So stay tuned or something.

Germany Will Lead!

November 4, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Heconomy, Helplessness, History, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, Euro Crisis, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, History, Humor, Psychology, Satire Leave a comment

But only from behind. It’s another one of those German schizoid personality disorder things.

When history dictates humility, and modesty proves so profitable, reticence endures.

Germans tell the pollsters they fear for their money—and then add that they like both Europe and the euro. They sense that it is cheaper to throw up firewalls than to pay for the devastation of the blaze. They bridle at rewarding the vices of the “Club Med” countries. But their real horror is to be left alone in Europe once more.

Referendum For Referendum On Referendum Called

November 3, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hate, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, Euro Crisis, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire 3 Comments

It’s getting ugly here, folks. Ugly and angry (and that makes everybody happy here).

“We’ve had enough!” Germany’s Bildzeitung readers read. “We’re spending hundreds of billions of euros to save the Greeks and now a referendum there should make clear whether they want to be saved at all. Now we want our own referendum: no more billions for the Greeks, Greece out of the euro!”

Place your vote here: “Yes, keep throwing money at them!” or “No, not another cent for bankrupt Greece, take the euro away!”

Die renommierte FAZ fragte gestern, „warum eigentlich die Griechen darüber abstimmen dürfen, ob sie gerettet werden wollen, nicht aber die Deutschen, ob sie und ihre Kinder für solche Zwecke Bürgschaften in Milliardenhöhe schultern möchten“.

Consulting the population? Are you crazy?

November 2, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, Euro Zone, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire 4 Comments

German politicians everywhere were shocked at Greek prime minister George Papandreou’s shocking decision yesterday to call a referendum on the latest greatest financial rescue package just put together by EU bureaucrats after marathon summit talks held in Brussels.

“One can’t help but think that the Greeks should be more grateful to selfless Europeans like ourselves who are only trying to help,” said one distraught Berliner politician. “Everybody knows that if you’re dumb enough to actually ask the people what they think about our grand European rescue visions they are very likely to speak their minds.”

A poll at the weekend showed nearly 60 percent of Greeks had a negative or partly negative view of the rescue.

What would Bernie Madoff do?

November 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Economy, Euro, Euro Crisis, Financial crisis, Frankfurt, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

Circular commitments lead to a Ponzi economy.

If the ECB announces that it is willing to lend, in unlimited amounts, to peripheral governments and to the European financial stability facility then the immediate crisis is at once “solved”. But at what cost?

If governments stand behind banks and banks stand behind governments and the central bank lends freely to both and also underwrites financial markets, then financial asset prices become completely detached from economic reality.

We Hate Being The Hegemon

October 28, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Debt Crisis, EU, Euro, Europe, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Hegemony, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

But somebody has to do it.

It wasn’t all that long ago that Germany knew how important it was in Europe but kept its mouth shut about it (while pulling the strings behind France’s back). Those days of semi-credible falsche Bescheidenheit (false modesty) are over, sort of. Now they continue to refuse to lead openly, but still pull the strings. Only France isn’t standing there anymore.

As shown once again during yesterday’s latest “rescue” of Europe, Germany makes the decisions while France still holds the press conferences, but the absurdity of this show is starting to lose a lot of its regular viewers. This formula has jumped the shark, in other words.

But as long as major contradictions keep on coming, everybody here in Germany is happy. You remember, don’t you? Germany fled into the EU to protect itself from itself (there was something about World War II a few years ago). Now it dominates Europe through its sheer economic power anyway, but still psychologically/socially/institutionally traumatized (and loving it), refuses to openly take the role history has assigned it. It prefers instead to publically turn its back on Europe (nobody on the street in Germany truly undestands or much cares about Europe) and concentrate instead on more important things at home like solar energy, local elections and not hurting coalition partners’ feelings.

In other words, Germany may clearly call all the shots now, but it still refuses to lead. Which is kind of clever, if you think about it. When everything ends up going tango uniform later, it wasn’t Germany’s fault.

Mit politischer Macht verhält es sich wie mit Millionen von Euro auf dem Konto: Man spricht nicht darüber.

What Identity Do I Wear Today?

September 23, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Heconomy, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Crisis, Debt, EU, Euro, Europe, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire Leave a comment

So what do you want, Germany? The Germans don’t even know themselves what they want with Europe and/or Germany: In a survey this September by Der Spiegel, clear majorities of Germans said that it wasn’t right to help Greece and other countries with the bailout fund and that Germany was not benefiting from the euro zone. But a clear majority also believed that European institutions should be given more power in a crisis. Classic German schizophrenia again or what?

Not that it matters or anything. In the final analysis nobody is asking you what you want: The European Union is a union not of peoples but of heads of state. “General Franco was a head of state, too.”

Nope, I still don’t know what “Europe” is supposed to mean here, but I keep getting the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one living in Europe who feels that way. It’s just that I, as a non-European, have the luxury of being able to admit that I don’t get it and that I don’t really care.

But as this latest crisis develops, one thing seems certain. Whatever Europe may be, it clearly has something to do with illusion. Illusion with an s on the end. With lots of illusions. One illusion after the next. Here’s one, for example:

Europe is founded on the illusion of German money without German control. And that bargain has worked, until now, because of the way Germany sees itself within Europe (which itself, as the polls suggest, is an illusion).

“As a good German one has to be a good European.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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