What Identity Do I Wear Today?

So what do you want, Germany? The Germans don’t even know themselves what they want with Europe and/or Germany: In a survey this September by Der Spiegel, clear majorities of Germans said that it wasn’t right to help Greece and other countries with the bailout fund and that Germany was not benefiting from the euro zone. But a clear majority also believed that European institutions should be given more power in a crisis. Classic German schizophrenia again or what?

Not that it matters or anything. In the final analysis nobody is asking you what you want: The European Union is a union not of peoples but of heads of state. “General Franco was a head of state, too.”

Nope, I still don’t know what “Europe” is supposed to mean here, but I keep getting the sneaking suspicion that I’m not the only one living in Europe who feels that way. It’s just that I, as a non-European, have the luxury of being able to admit that I don’t get it and that I don’t really care.

But as this latest crisis develops, one thing seems certain. Whatever Europe may be, it clearly has something to do with illusion.  Illusion with an s on the end. With lots of illusions. One illusion after the next. Here’s one, for example:

Europe is founded on the illusion of German money without German control. And that bargain has worked, until now, because of the way Germany sees itself within Europe (which itself, as the polls suggest, is an illusion).

“As a good German one has to be a good European.”

Japanese Typhoon May Shut Down More German Nuclear Power Plants If They Can Still Find Any In Operation

It’s all over. All over again already, I mean. German press reports have confirmed that typhoon Roke has reached Fukushima ITSELF.

Worse still, the dreadful storm has wreaked havoc there, having damaged one of the facility’s surveillence cameras. It may have even knocked it down. German citizens in or around Japan would be asked to leave the area immediately if there were any there to be asked to do so but there aren’t, so they won’t be. German citizens at home are asked to remain there, at home, until further notice.

It goes without saying that Germany’s nuclear energy policy will certainly be reviewed again although there’s not all that much more nuclear energy left here to policy anymore.

Außer einer durch den Sturm beschädigten Überwachungskamera gab es keine weiteren Schadensmeldungen aus dem bei einem Erdbeben sowie einem Tsunami im März havarierten Atomkraftwerk Fukushima-Daiichi.

No Positions “R” Us

Diplomats in New York “have lost faith in Germany?” Was there ever really any faith in Germany to lose?

Apparently there was at one time a German foreign policy maxim to never oppose its European partners and the United States, or that’s what I just read, but I can’t remember that time. Germany’s strategy of avoidance with Libya finally took the Kuchen though, I guess. Like the famous Soviet njet from yesteryear, when push comes to shove, even the slowest and blindest diplomat out there has finally figured out what the German answer will always be: No position, as usual.

And Berlin was actually expecting to get permanent membership and veto power in the United Nations Security Council? What for?

Hey, they shouldn’t sweat it, and they won’t. Isolating themselves and having shrinking influence is better than being isolated and having no influence at all.

“Germany has no position yet, as usual.”

More Angst Underway

In a shocking new study or something, psychologist expert types have just discovered that up to 17 percent of German young people between the ages of 14 and 20 are currently suffering from the what is now to become the dreaded mass illness ailment sickness known as “social phobia” (formarly known as adolescence). No one has bothered to tell them about it yet, either.

These chronic sufferers, especially the girl ones, regularly avoid situations in which they must meet people they don’t know and do things that they don’t want to do. But there is good news, researchers say. This scourge of mankind (teenkind?) can be treated successfully. By finally growing up already.

“Die gute Nachricht ist, dass soziale Phobien erfolgreich behandelt werden können.”

Wayne’s World

Kennst Du Wayne? Wayne es interessiert?

Is anybody here really supposed to care that the Pirate Party, “a party in tune with the Berlin vibe” (and a cheap if not even flakier immitation of the Swedish original) attracted enough votes to win its first ever seats in the Berlin state parliament yesterday?

Nothing aginst Internet freedom activist freaks or anything, I just don’t want to have to deal with them in the non-virtual world like this.

Of course the real news is that the FDP (a real live party from Planet Earth) got tossed out. Hey, Scheiße happens.

And here you thought California was the land of nuts, flakes and fruits.

“Wir werden als erstes auf die Laternen klettern und unsere Plakate wieder runterholen.”

Phase-Out Gentrification Now!

Other cities would love to have a problem like this. Berlin takes in 20 million tourist overnight stays a year, and the number keeps rising. Investors and property owners keep rolling into the Stadt like, well, investors and property owners.

But for many Berliners, this is a crisis or something. This means that their city is in the process of becoming something called bürgerlich (a German cuss word meaning middle-class or bourgeois). Berlin is becoming gentrified (meaning upgraded, by the way), which is absolutely unacceptable because, well, many Berliners don’t want to upgraded, thank you.

You see, bourgeois gentrification ist deshalb (is on these grounds) unacceptable because it is a sign of economic dynamism in a city that has long been thought not to have any. Gentrification means that money is coming into town, that Berlin is becoming more attractive for that tasteless middle-class ambience so dreaded here, that the self-contained and highly subsidized island of Berlin is suddenly becoming a place of social mobility where middle-class lifestyle visions (which none of you out there share) are now apparently easier to realize here than elsewhere in the country.

German Gentrification is bad for Berlin, in other words. It has to be phased-out, just like German nuclear energy was. And don’t get them wrong or anything, it’s not because these Berliners are being intolerant here or anything. It’s just that they are being intolerant here – and acting more bourgeois than the bourgeoisie they despise.

Wer hätte sich träumen lassen, dass ausgerechnet das arme Berlin einmal ein Gentrifizierungsproblem haben würde? Es könnte schlimmere Nachrichten geben.

Ick bin ein Obama!

“Obama and I have very much in common.”

“We are both really good-looking, we are both congenial and we are both able to unleash hype like this. Both of us are very good speakers, we both have leftest ideological positions which we can in no way ever implement and which, I believe, will eventually bring us both to despair.”

Inhalte überwinden!”

Pressing economic and social problems here in Berlin?

Who cares? It’s election time! And that’s the Berlin equivalent to Karnival, sort of.

So what if Berlin’s unemployment rate is twice that of the national average and its schools are the worst in the country and the S-Bahn (the local commuter rail system) is still broken after three or four years and will remain so indefinitely and cars are set ablaze every night by a group of unknown arsonists who aren’t politically motivated in the least, honest, so what? Berlin is still Berlin, whatever that means. And that’s why everyone will be re-electing Klaus Wowereit on Sunday (or so the experts say – they just love to announce election results beforehand here for some reason).

No, he and his SPD aren’t doing anything about the problems here (malicious tongues would say that they are the problem), but what does that matter in the end? They aren’t doing it with style. Sounds vaguely familiar somehow…

Wowereit himself is their program. The whole city has been covered in posters featuring the native Berliner holding hands with a granny, or having his face bitten by a crocodile glove puppet in a child’s hand. His campaign slogan is “Understanding Berlin” — that’s not much of a vision, but Wowereit doesn’t appear to need one.

Holy Water Frightens German Politicians

Large portions of the German political left have announced that they will not attend Pope Benedict XVI’s upcoming speech in the Bundestag.

At least half of the Left Party delegates will boycott the visit as will over one quarter of the SPD politicians. The Greens will be protesting around the corner at the Brandenburg Gate during the speech.

“We have nothing against the Pope’s visit per se,” said one anonymous spokesman in clear and palpable angst hooded in black and lurking in the sinister darkness of one of the parliament building’s more eerie delegate seating areas late the other night, “It’s just that we don’t care for all those crosses and the prayer. And the number 7. And the garlic.”

“Er kommt ja nicht ungebeten, sondern alle Fraktionen haben zugestimmt.”

Do as I say, not as I do

Believe you me, Europe, President Barack Obama knows what he’s talking about when he’s talking about debt.

And that is why he wants YOU to solve your eurozone debt crisis pronto. He is, after all, “deeply engaged” with European nations about solving the eurozone debt crisis, if less so about solving the American one, and is deeply convinced that European countries need to coordinate fiscal policies just like the American administration and Congress have not.

“Right now you have a single currency but you don’t have a single set of economic policies, and that’s created great difficulty,” the President said. “Like duh, we know all about that. Just look at us if you want to see what that kind of clueless leadership gets you.”

“Europa hat derzeit zwar eine geeinte Währung, aber es verfügt über keine gemeinsame Wirtschaftspolitik. Und das schafft große Probleme.”