German Olympic Chief Shocked That Russian Athletes Dope

Systematically, I mean.

A German broadcast alleging the Russian state helped cover-up sports doping has been described as “shocking” by German Olympic sports head Michael Vesper.

Dope

In all fairness, however, it should be noted that Mr. Vesper was also shocked to find out that Bill Gates is rich, the Pope is a Catholic and bears shit in the woods. Like, uh, what kind of dope is this guy on? And where can I get some?

“Ich finde den Film schockierend. Er zeigt: Doping zerstört das Ansehen des Sports, das Vertrauen in den Sport, die Werte des Sports und die Sportler, die es nehmen.”

A German National Soccer Team With Only Germans On It?

Ouch. What a frightening thought. If you’re the German national soccer team coach, I mean.

Football

Uhm, I’m no Fußball aficionado or anything but is there such a thing as a Zweite Liga (second division) when it comes to national teams?

A German right-wing politician who caused outrage by racially disparaging footballer Jerome Boateng followed up Friday by saying the national team is “no longer … German in the classical sense”.

Alexander Gauland, of the Alternative for Germany (AFD) party, also questioned the loyalty of German-born international Mesut Ozil, who is of Turkish origin, for making the Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca.

“Die Nationalmannschaft ist schon lange nicht mehr deutsch.”

Bayern Munich Wins DFB Cup For The 2,397th Time

What a surprise or something. And right here in Berlin, too. And that after another fascinating goalless finish in normal time. I got lucky, though. I only injured my forehead twice (slightly) nodding off during the match.

Hummels

Bayern management has already announced plans to celebrate the occasion by buying the next best Borussia Dortmund superstar money can buy. If there are still any left that they haven’t bought already, I mean. You know, the rich get richer and all that?

Während Bayerns Thomas Müller im Pokalfinale einfach “die Eier in die Hand” nimmt, versagen Borussia Dortmund im Elfmeterschießen die Nerven. Das nächste Titeltrauma veranlasst BVB-Coach Tuchel zu einem Feuerwerk der Selbstkritik – inklusive einer verbalen Abschieds-Ohrfeige für Mats Hummels.

This Has Gone Beyond A Joke

Still fuming over their football loss to England over the weekend, the Empire struck back at Germany yet again. This time the British team defeated Germany to win the World Marbles Championship. For crying out loud already.

Marbles

It’s one thing to lose your marbles. It’s quite another to lose at marbles.

I guess I’ve had enough of sports for now. I’m sure you have, too.

“It’s like snooker without a cue.”

When In Doubt Just Say No

Nein, nein, nein, already. Nolympics in Hamburg, either.

Nolympics

As you can see up there, Hamburgers were too afraid that the Olympics they decided not to bid to host for yesterday would have brought more police brutality, more barbed wire fences, more school crossing cops escorting people to airports, more big nasty retro surveillance cameras and more US-Amerikan Yankee dollars coming out of the chimney of some Hamburger’s house in a really weird surrealistic fashion (causing particularly nasty air pollution, I assume?).

Put in that light I think it was the sound decision to make.

Let’s see, Munich said no, Berlin said no and now Hamburg says no. I think a pattern is starting to develop here. Boston, too, said no, of course (are there really that many Bostonians of German extraction?). What a minute. Has hosting the Olympics now become some new form of cruel and unusual punishment or something? Maybe we could get ISIS to put in a bid.

“Die Menschen sehen, dass es Sachen gibt, wo das Geld besser angelegt ist.”

German Of The Day: DFB

That stands for Designed for Bribery.

DFB

No, wait. Deceit, Fraud and Blackmail? How about Deception, Fleece and Breach of Trust? Duped, Framed and Bamboozled? OK, OK. DFB stands for Deutscher Fußballbund or the German Football Association. Whichever comes first.

The German Football Association (DFB) is investigating whether a €6.7million payment made to FIFA in 2005 was mis-used. The issue came to light as part of an internal audit carried out by the DFB into the awarding of the 2006 World Cup to Germany.

Der Deutsche Fußball-Bund gibt bekannt, dass eine Zahlung in Höhe von 6,7 Millionen Euro an die Fifa im Jahr 2005 womöglich zweckentfremdet worden sein könnte.

German Of The Day: Pomadig

That means pomade-like. As in: all hair products, no killer instinct. “Pomadig means passionless, combined with a shot of arrogance,” it added. “It’s a combination with which you can lose a match against these wild, fighting, rocketing Irish.”

Sometimes defeat is unnecessary.  Other times it’s completely unnecessary.

German reaction to defeat: ‘Das dumme Ding von Dublin’

I Got Your FIFA For You Right Here

The German government sent a shipment of rocket-propelled grenades to Saudi Arabia in order to secure support for their bid to host the 2006 World Cup, according to the latest sensational claims in the FIFA scandal.

FIFA

German newspaper Die Zeit say the country’s Football Association arranged for then Chancellor Gerhard Schroder’s administration to supply the arms in order to swing the Saudi vote from Morocco to Germany ahead of the vote in 2000.

Die Regierung von Gerhard Schröder beschloss eine Woche vor der WM-Vergabe die Lieferung von Panzerfäusten an Saudi-Arabien. Deutschland habe “kurzfristig das Waffenembargo aufgehoben”, sagte Guido Tognoni, damals Fifa-Mitarbeiter, später.

German Of The Day: Neinsager

That means people who always say no first and ask question later. You know, like when it comes to maybe having the Olympics in Berlin in 2024? NOlympia here, folks.

Hamburg

The northern port city of Hamburg was picked on Monday as the country’s preferred choice for a 2024 summer Olympics bid ahead of Berlin, with the German Olympic Sports Confederation’s (DOSB) members to ratify the proposal later this week.

“I coulda been a contender.”