German Jail Guards Shocked That Syrian Suicide Bomb Suspect Would Want To Kill Himself

“I am incredibly shocked and in disbelief that this could have happened,” said one guard after being informed of the hanging, while eating a sandwich and watching Tatort in the break room.


“Yeah. Just because some guy was fiddling around with the same high explosive used for the suicide vests in the Paris attacks doesn’t necessarily mean he was out to harm himself,” another guard replied, sitting next to the first guard, playing solitaire. “Besides, we’re like nowhere even near Paris.”

No other jail guards were present to be interviewed at the time of this post so their comments concerning the incident will have to be gathered later.

Man kann den Eindruck bekommen, als wäre hier vorgegangen worden, als sei das ein Taschendieb, der vor dem Hauptbahnhof gefangen worden ist.

The Land Of Wishful Thinking

Das Land der frommen Wünsche, that’s what Reinhard Veser from the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung calls it. And he means by this the place were what remains of Germany’s Social Democratic Party is now living when it comes to Putin’s Russia.


That the SPD would want to go back to the old days of SPD Ostpolitik (“change through rapprochement”), a time when twice as many voters voted for them as do today, is quite understandable. There is just one slight but fundamental difference here: During that cold war (they called it The Cold War back then), the Soviet Union wanted to keep the status quo and the Federal Republic of Germany’s recognition of East Germany contributed to this, benefiting the West, as well. Putin’s Russia wants territory, however, not the status quo.

By bending over backwards with the most absurd compilation of contortions to “understand” a Russia they clearly do not understand (see Germany’s current SPD foreign minister), the SPD shows us that it already has plans to move from the Land of Wishful Thinking to the Pays of Appeasement. Or is it living there already? How unimaginative political policy can be. And how delusional.

Die sozialdemokratischen Ostpolitiker haben es schon einmal nicht bemerkt, als die Voraussetzungen für ihren Ansatz im Osten Europas weggefallen sind – das war, als Solidarność in den achtziger Jahren die kommunistische Diktatur ins Wanken brachte. Damals hat das nur ihrem Ruf in Ostmitteleuropa geschadet. Wenn ihre alten Illusionen heute wieder in die Russland-Politik einfließen, droht ein weit größerer Schaden.

German Of The Day: Angststörung

That means anxiety disorder.


Germans don’t have this problem, though. Their anxiety is always in perfect working order.

Etwa fünf Prozent der Bevölkerung haben einmal in ihrem Leben generalisierte Ängste. Frauen sind häufiger betroffen als Männer.

“Ich war irgendwann überzeugt, mein Zahn wird ausfallen.”


And Yet Another Leap Forward Already

Back to the past, I mean.


Step one: Develop a a maglev train technology that any ecology-minded tree hugger and profit-minded industrialist ought to have been thrilled about.

Step two: Go out of your way as ecology-minded German tree huggers to make absolutely sure that this technology is a complete failure at home.

Step three: Give up as a government years later by auctioning off the technology to the lowest bidder. Fine, to the highest bidder. But they’ll be giving it away “for an apple and an egg,” as the German idiom goes.

Jahrzehntelang stand der Transrapid für die Mobilität der Zukunft – die in Deutschland aber nie Gegenwart wurde.

Germany Leaps Forward Again

In the saving the world game, I mean.


And here you thought the Germans shutting down their nuclear power plants after an accident in Japan was hardcore enough (and it was). Now they’re going to outlaw internal combustion engines (albeit not until the year 2030).

Amazing Scheiße, I find. It does make me wonder what they’re going to be outlawing next, however. I would have bet on the wheel but it’ll be pretty much taken care of as soon as the internal combustion engines go so I’m now going to put my money on fire itself. Do you have any idea how much CO2 cooking your food releases into the atmosphere? Me neither, but you can be sure that it’s way too much. At least in Germany.

Being a subscriber to Mad Magazine, when I first saw the title of this article at Gizmodo recently, I assumed I’d mixed up my bookmarks and gone to the wrong site. “German Lawmakers Vote to Ban the Internal Combustion Engine.” Oh, come on, man. That can’t be right, can it? The home of some of the higher performance engines in the history of fine cars can’t seriously be talking about this, can they? Well color me embarrassed because, with a few caveats, it turned out to be true.

Germans Worried About TTIP

Oops, I meant TATP, of course.


TATP stands for triacetone triperoxide and is an extremely powerful explosive substance that was found in the Chemnitz apartment of a Syrian refugee, an apartment German police raided just minutes after the suspect escaped.

This is the same stuff that was used by the suicide bombers in Paris last November. German state media is therefore going to go way out on the limb here for once and speculate that this particular refugee “might” have been involved in a so-called “terrorist” plot. Details at eleven or something.

Stunned residents reacted to the incident last night, with one neighbour slamming Albakr as an ‘a*******’ for his alleged plot – what a racist, xenophobic a******* that neighbour must be.

Die Polizei überwachte die Chemnitzer Wohnung, in der Sprengstoff gefunden wurde. Doch die Beamten konnten Jaber A. nicht stoppen, als der das Haus verließ.

Germany To Block Welfare Tourism?

It’s all over now, folks.  What will be next? The next thing you know the Germans will be demanding that Syrian refugees from Pakistan and North Africa enter the country with actual passports.


EU citizens who move to Germany without employment are to be denied social welfare for five years, according to the Funke media group. The news chain says draft law curbing entitlements goes to cabinet next week.

And yes, one could do this – up until now, at least.

Ohne Arbeit kein Hartz IV.

This Just In: Governments Waste Money

In Germany, too? You bet.


The latest “black book” has been published by the German Taxpayers Federation and here – not counting your regular, every-day kind of wasteful government spending – are just a few of the more special ways in which government tosses money out the window:

Garbage cans in the city of Leverkusen that cost  1,258 euros a shot.

A fish ladder near the town of Lauterbach that cost taxpayers 100,000 euros. The only problem is that the fish can’t reach the ladder.

Or how about a townhouse in an exclusive location in Manhattan, owned by the Federal Republic of Germany. The only problem here is that it’s been empty since 2009 and costs taxpayers over 80,000 euros a year in upkeep.

“Politik und Verwaltung gehen verschwenderisch, sorglos oder leichtsinnig mit Steuergeldern um.”

Charges Dropped Against German Comedian Because He Wasn’t Being Funny On Purpose

He was only being funny by accident, investigators say, so that’s OK.


If he had been funny while trying to be funny on purpose, however, this guy would have been up Scheiße Creek  without a paddle. Germany comedy is no laughing matter, folks.

Prosecutors have been praised in Germany for dropping a criminal probe into a poem perceived as insulting by Turkish President Recep Erdogan. Satirist Jan Böhmermann’s wording unleashed a diplomatic row last April…

In a three-page declaration Thursday, the prosecutors said their investigation had not established a deliberate intent to insult (insult comedy = to be funny, or can be), sufficient to lead to a criminal conviction.

Es ist enorm wichtig für mich als Künstler in solchen Zeiten einen starken, selbstbewussten öffentlich-rechtlichen Sender mit klarer, unabhängiger Haltung hinter sich zu wissen.