You Didn’t Sit While Peeing!

And I warned you twice, Hermann. Now I’m gonna beat you black and blue.

Hurt

After millennia of callous neglect, Germany is finally prepared to address the scandalous issue of domestic violence against German men. And addressing it, as if it actually existed, is precisely what makes this all so scandalous. Talk about wussies, sheesh. Beam me up pronto, Scottie. It’s a freakin’ nuthouse here.

For the first time ever, two German states are launching an initiative to help male victims of domestic violence. Officials in Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia say they want to break the taboos surrounding the topic.

A three-pillar program to help men suffering from domestic violence was unveiled by the German states of Bavaria and North Rhine-Westphalia (NRW) on Tuesday.

The first pillar of the initiative would include a hotline and an online counseling platform for victims. The second pillar would see constructions of safe houses and counseling centers. Finally, the authorities aim to make the subject of violence against men “visible” and “break the taboo” surrounding it.

“Until now, there was hardly any help or support structures. There are possibilities to cooperate across state borders, most of all in creating a hotline and in the area of online counseling.”

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We’re Not Worthy!

Actually, we’re too worthy – and that’s the problem.

Rich

If they think their ranking on rich lists is too low, American tycoons fume. German ones kick up a fuss when theirs looks suspiciously high, explains Heinz Dürr. When a magazine called him a billionaire a few years ago, Mr Dürr rang the editor to remonstrate. The reporters had double-counted his ownership of Homag, a maker of wood-processing machines that Dürr, his family’s mechanical-engineering firm, bought in 2014. Plutocrats have reached the top of politics in America and Italy, while in Asia the super-rich often display their wealth in ostentatious style. Germany’s magnates love to shun the limelight.

Which reminds me of German oddities 302 and 25.

German 302. Germans have a big Neid (envy) problem. They are perfectly aware of this and often complain that they live in a Neidgesellschaft (envy society) but keep turning green with envy all the same. One comedian claims that Germany is the only country in the world where the need for envy is stronger than the sex drive.

German Oddity 25. When Americans refer to something as being “typically American” they generally mean this in a positive way. When Germans refer to something as being “typically German” they generally mean this in a negative way.

Germany To Lead From Behind Again

This time from far behind. You know, like from way, way, way far behind? But still.

Iran

Germany looks to ‘lead’ US-Iran talks– in what is clearly a noble effort to bring peace to the region and profits to the German corporations still sexually aroused about doing business with Iran despite the collapse of the 2015 nuclear agreement – and, of course, to take an indirect swipe at Israel in the process while they’re at it already.

“The latest escalation requires us as European neighbors to intervene in favor of de-escalation and peaceful coexistence,” German Foreign Minister Heiko Maas told reporters during an unannounced stop to Iraq. “We cannot just seek dialogue, we must lead it, precisely where the differences seem insurmountable and long-simmering conflicts run deep.”

“Das ist eine Reise in die Krise.”

Siggi Has A Blackout

Clearly still under shock after his party’s latest crisis, the SPD’s ex-boss Gabriel just accidentally praised Donald Trump.

Siggy

Needless to say he was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital and is currently under observation – and very strong medication.

German center-left SPD’s ex-leader Gabriel gives Trump praise – The US president is right to criticize China and to negotiate with North Korea, according to left-of-center former Foreign Minister Sigmar Gabriel. Gabriel also warned against seeing Trump voters as “dummies.”

“His criticism of China is justified, and so is his courage to negotiate with North Korea. And he is also right when he calls on Germany and Europe to get their terror-supporting citizens out of Syria and Iraq and put them on trial, instead of letting the Kurds deal with it.”

A Standing Ovation For An Anti-Trump Speech?

At an American University? Wow. Now that’s news-worthy.

Merkel

Or at least the Germans seem to think it is. Yawn.

Angela Merkel urged Harvard graduates Thursday to “tear down walls of ignorance and narrow-mindedness” in a speech laced with apparent jibes at Donald Trump and his policies.

Though she did not name the U.S. president, the German chancellor devoted much of her Harvard University commencement speech to attacking major pillars of Trump’s presidency: protectionism, trade wars and building walls.

Merkel in Harvard: Für die Anti-Trump-Rede gibt es Standing Ovations

What A Horrifying Thought

I shudder to think of what could happen to Europe after this weekend’s big European Parliament elections. I mean, should the people actually choose to vote for parties that would, gulp, “elevate the sovereignty and economic interests of individual member-states over the collective interests of the EU.

Horror

The horror.

Salvini, who’s framed himself the de facto leader of this coalition, has embraced the slogan “Towards a Common Sense Europe.” Besides Le Pen’s National Rally and Wilders’s Party for Freedom, other far-right parties have joined the cause, including Germany’s Alternative for Deutschland (AfD) and Austria’s (currently scandal plagued) Freedom Party. Broadly, these leaders want to curtail immigration. They may want to reorient the EU’s priorities on the global stage, too.

But, mostly, they want to elevate the sovereignty and economic interests of individual member-states over the collective interests of the EU.

“There are no extremists, racists, or fascists in this square. Here you won’t find the far-right, but the politics of good sense. The extremists are those who have governed Europe for the past 20 years.”

PS: Isn’t that picture they chose to use for the article brilliant? No suggestive images here, folks.

Organized Criminals Of Mohammed

Or “Warriors of Mohammed,” if you prefer.

Warrior

Get your motors running or something. Here come Al-Salam-313.

German police launch raids on Iraqi organized crime gang – Heavily armed police have carried out a series of coordinated raids on the homes of members of the “Al-Salam-313” group. The targets are suspected of people smuggling as well as dealing in narcotics…

The gang members are part of the Shiite denomination who believe that the hidden Imam Muhammad al-Mahdi will return to earth with 313 companions. The term Mahdi means Redeemer, which therefore means that he is regarded as similar to a messiah in Islam.

“This is why they refer to themselves as Muhammad’s companions or warriors.”

Marginal Art Marginalized In Berlin

Marginal art made by marginal artists, that is. Actually, the story’s about the marginal artists who are upset about being marginalized, for being marginal.

White

There is a difference here, of course, albeit a marginal one. I have an idea. Perhaps, just maybe I’m thinking, if they made their art better and not so marginally successful they could stop being so marginal and protest about something else a little less marginally interesting.

Earlier this week, stickers and posters started circulating in and around the city of Berlin that point to a disparaging fact: according to a group of arts activists, 75% of the artists being platformed at Berlin Gallery Weekend are white and male.

The stickers protesting the lack of diversity within the Berlin art scene feature a white sausage — known in German as Weisswurst — against the blue background of Berlin Gallery Weekend’s main logo and branding typography.

German Of The Day: Umerziehen

That means re-educate.

Umerziehen

And that’s what the “framing” expert at Germany state TV “Channel One” (ARD) has advised its employees to do. Viewers are in dire need of re-education.

Her secret “framing manual” indicates that the ARD is at war with its critics and private television channels alike, disruptive elements who refer to the ARD as “state TV,” criticize “compulsory fees” (they’re not compulsory, they’re a show of solidarity!) and “question the ARD’s relevance.” Gee, I guess she means me, too.

These disruptive elements don’t understand that the ARD is “guided by moral principles” and its own “moral necessity for social interaction” and not, like them, motivated by profit. The ARD doesn’t have to be motivated by profit, people. All Germans get taxed for this state supported media bias whether they’re viewers or not.

Isn’t that a nice smirk? Big Sister is watching. She wants you all to keep on watching, that is.

Die Arbeit der ARD, so heißt es, sei „von moralischen Prinzipien getragen“, überzeugt von der eigenen „moralischen Notwendigkeit für das gesellschaftliche Miteinander“ – während die „medienkapitalistischen Heuschrecken“ des Privat-TV nur dem Profit dienen würden.

German Of The Day: Tempolimit

That means speed limit.

Speed Limit

Odd, yesterday we dealt with getting caught in traffic jams in a country that doesn’t have any speed limits (on parts of the Autobahn) and now it’s time to introduce such speed limits in the same country? At least that’s what the commission National Platform for the Future of Mobility is proposing, whatever that is. Look, these drivers aren’t going anywhere now as it is. How will reducing their speed get them nowhere any safer? Oh, it’s about CO2 again. I should have known.

Limit the maximum speed on the German Autobahn to 130 km/h? This could lead to another revolution, folks. And it probably won’t be a bloodless one this time.

Kommission ist sich der Brisanz bewusst – Noch ist es nur ein Entwurf, doch die Ideen der Kommission “Nationale Plattform Zukunft der Mobilität” haben es in sich. Sie sollen den CO2-Ausstoß bis 2030 um die Hälfte senken.