The Future Looks C-C-Cold

In Germany. In the winter.

Cold

Thousands of people marched Saturday in Berlin to demand that Germany speed up its exit from coal-fired power plants, a day before the opening of a U.N. climate summit in neighboring Poland.

“Stop Coal!” is the rallying call today. “Stop nuclear power!” was yesterday. The Germans have already shut down their nuclear power industry due to an earthquake in Japan. Don’t ask.

Some of these demonstrators have clearly thought all of this through, however. That’s why they’re wearing those polar bear suits. “Somebody turn on the freakin’ heat already!” Will by the rallying cry of the future.

“The future is coal-free.”

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Save The Wolves!

Save the wolves? So they can attack us at… cemeteries?

Wolf

These romantic visions of nature everybody fosters these days are all fine and good, I guess, but sometimes they can get a little creepy.

The German news agency dpa reported Wednesday that a 55-year-old man was working on the cemetery in the village of Steinfeld in Lower Saxony on Monday when he felt something biting his hand from behind. When he turned around, he saw a wolf attacking him and three other wolves watching from a distance. He managed to free himself from the wolf’s bite and shooed all the animals away. Then he went to see a doctor, who bandaged his injured hand.

Man oh man. This time there will definitely be consequences.

Auf einem Friedhof in Niedersachsen hat offenbar ein Wolf am Dienstag einen Menschen angegriffen. Nach Polizeiangaben soll das Tier den 55-jährigen Gemeindemitarbeiter in den linken Unterarm gebissen haben.

This Is Tree-Hugger Treason!

Or treeson, I should say. What? They’re already ready to give up after a mere six years and just… leaf?

Tree

German police confront treehouse activists after six-year standoff – Hundreds of police officers have descended on a patch of forest in western Germany occupied by activists living in treehouses, in an escalation of a long-running environmental battle.

Dozens of protesters have occupied 60 treehouses, some as high as 25 metres off the ground, since 2012 in an attempt to protect the ancient Hambach forest from being felled to make way for the expansion of an open-pit coalmine.

Why, I’m shocked. Wood you believe it? And they were doing such a treemendous job up there, too. What do they do now? Look for a new branch of work?

Polizei holt ersten Hambach-Aktivisten von Plattform.

Coffee From Togo To Be Heavily Taxed

At last count, Germans who purchase coffee from Togo toss some 3 billion of the disposable cups used to temporarily carry it in each and every year.

Togo

Predictably outraged by this, German green shirts have predictably outraged German coffee vendors by suggesting that a 20-cent tax be placed on this luxury drink to encourage coffee Togo connoisseurs to bring along their reusable and occasionally re-washable coffee Togo coffee cups with them, preferably hanging on the environmentally friendly coffee Togo belt loop hangers attached to their biodegradable pants.

Should this prove to be too impractical for some customers, the ecological crusaders suggest, vendors should offer them a discount option (taxpayer subsidized) of drinking the invigorating beverage directly from their trembling cupped hands.

“Nehmen Sie sich ein wenig Zeit und trinken Ihren Kaffee vor Ort – aus einer Tasse.”

German Tree Hugger Forcibly Removed After 130 Hours

From her tree. In a place called the Hambacher Forst. After occupying it in the name of tree love (a bad energy company wants to cut down the tree for bad energy purposes).

Tree hugger

The traumatized tree refused to comment and is being treated for hug burns.

Mittels einer Hebebühne holten die Höhenkletterer der Polizei die Aktivistin gegen 11.30 Uhr von der Plattform, nahmen sie in Gewahrsam.

Alternative Reality Expensive As Hell

As part of Germany’s switch to renewables, industry has been exempt from paying higher prices associated with solar and wind energy. The European Commission, however, believes the practice distorts competition on the Continent. Huge penalties could be in store.

Bill

The costs of start-up financing for green energy and the compensation for expansion of the power grid are added to customers’ electricity bills in the form of a special tax. The entire subsidy system is supposed to come to an end when green energy becomes competitive. That, at least, is the theory.

But the reality is different. No longer can one simply describe the tax as a way to get renewable energies off the ground. Indeed, following Berlin’s decision two years ago to shelve nuclear energy and accelerate the expansion of renewables, the EEG (Renewable Energies Act) has become a giant redistribution machine.

“The fact that German electricity prices are among the highest in Europe despite relatively low wholesale prices must serve as a warning signal.”