How Sexist Or Something

The Berlin International Film Festival will sign the 50/50 by 2020 gender parity pledge,

Gender

So, like, let me get this straight. You are ASSuming that there are only TWO genders or what, Herr Dieter Kosslick with the dopey hat? You’re going to get letters, pal. Some might have explosives in them, too.

At first I thought they meant 50/50 with regard to the quality of the films they show here at the Berlinale. You know, 50 percent crappy and the other 50 percent really crappy? But I was way off, as usual.

The 50/50 by 2020 pledge does not mandate gender quotas, but calls for festivals to strive for gender parity in top management and for them to publish figures on the gender of the directors of films submitted every year.

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German Of The Day: Kontinuität

That means continuity. And that is what the Berlinale Film Festival is famous for.

Berlinale

Take this year’s Gold Bear winner, for instance. Please. “Touch Me Not” is a Romanian film about a woman “struggling with intimacy issues and learning to be comfortable with her body.” And it is a work of cineastic Kunst with sex scenes so explicit and images so disgusting that many viewers had to leave the theater during the viewing.

Continuity, like I said. The Berlinale is first and foremost a political event. And, of course, we all know what kind of political event political events in the film industry must be. Radical is good. Ugly is good. Leftist moral revisionism is good. Porno marketed as art to a willing, enabling (see #MeToo) jury of Hollywooedesque film elitists is good.

And this year’s Golden Bear winner, just like the Golden Bear winner every year, has already been long forgotten by THE REST OF US before the Berlinale trappings have been removed and packed away for next year’s show.

Während des Festivals hatte das auch mit deutschem Geld realisierte Werk die Kritiker gespalten. Denn darin sind detailreich alle Spielarten menschlicher Sexualität zu sehen, es gibt den Besuch in einem Sado-Maso-Club, auch behinderte Menschen sind dabei.

More Crappy PC Films But This Time With That Special #MeToo Touch

Which is also a bunch of crap. But maybe that’s just me.

Berlinale

Let the Berlinale begin again or something. That way it will be over quicker. And please note: With special safe space area this year!

The organizers said they had created a special counseling center at the festival where both audience and participants of the festival could go if they experience or witness discrimination, harassment or abuse. 

I’m wacko for Wacko-puffs! Wacko for Wacko-puffs!

Berlinale-Chef Kosslick verspricht “politisch korrektes Entertainment.”

Berlinale Increases Security To Protect Crappy Films

With the threat of terrorist attacks in Europe on the rise, organizers at the Berlin International Film Festival are worried that frustrated patrons might actually take action for once and are beefing up security big time this year.

Berlinale

“All measures essential to ensure the safety of these pretentious films of ours from any possible attacks carried out by radicalized festivalgoers and other unwanted guests are being implemented as we speak,” a spokesperson said, more like snarled. “Albeit in an inconspicuous and unobtrusive manner. Not like the way we organize the rest of our awful festival, I mean.”

Wird es auch spezielle Vorführungen für Flüchtlinge geben?

Kool Klips

In this here Berlinale article, I mean.

Berlinale

And this is mainly because none of these clips have been taken from any of the films that are being shown here at the Berlinale this year.

You know it’s Berlinale time when coffee has been spilled all over the benches in the Sony Center early in the morning already.

Du weißt, es ist Berlinale, wenn… Dir irgendjemand nach Ende des letzten Berlinale-Tages erzählt, dass er es jetzt schon kaum erwarten kann, wenn das Filmfestival nächsten Winter wieder in die Stadt kommt.

And The Losers Are…

This year’s Berlinale Golden Bear goes to the Rumanian film “Child’s Pose,” a heart-warming family drama about a domineering upper class Rumanian mother’s attempt to bribe freedom for her ungrateful creep of a loser son after he kills a child from a poor family in a traffic accident.

Berlinale

The Jury Grand Prize Silver Bear goes to the uplifting and inspirational Bosnian docudrama “An Episode in the Life of an Iron Picker,” which re-creates the institutional abuse and neglect of a Roma family that has to collect scrap metal to survive (but at least now they’ve got the Silver Bear).

And the Gay/Lesbian Teddy went to several films (they were all that good this year, I guess), the most interesting sounding one being a flick called “Undress Me,” this being an allegory or metaphor for, uh, I dunno, something.

Actually, the only film I would have really been interested in seeing was the one that got the the Silver Bear for best script. It was an Iranian movie called “Pardé” (Closed Curtain). However the filmmaker, Jafar Panahi, could not take part in the intoxicating Berlin celebrations because he lives behind said closed curtain and has been prohibited by Iranian authorities from travelling, for some strange reason.

“It’s never been possible to stop a thinker and a poet.”

Lots Of Serious Crappy Films To Premiere At This Year’s Berlin Film Festival Starting Tomorrow

Or seriously crappy films, if you prefer.

Film snobs

The subjects will range from serious themes like obesity to the lack of health insurance, with a few gay priests and a little nuclear contamination thrown in here and there just to spice things down.

And in case you didn’t know, the Berlinale is known to be the most political (and therefore the most serious) of the three biggest European film festivals (Cannes, Venice and Berlin) and is also famous for including the sort of movies that aren’t necessarily considered, well, mainstream or easy to market.

You know, self-indulgent and arrogant cinematic art snob crap and art for art’s sake rubbish like that. So there we have it. Lights, camera… What’s the opposite of action again?

Wie schwer ist ein Goldener Bär? Wer ist der wahre Held der Berlinale? Wo steigt die beste Party? Alles, was Besucher des Filmfestivals wissen müssen – von A wie Ankunft bis Z wie Zoo-Palast.

Film Critics And Other Smart People Disappointed

This year’s winner of the Golden Bear for best film at the Berlinale was actually a real dog, German film critics and other intellectual thinking folks and artist types everywhere are saying.

It’s not that the Italian film “Caesar Must Die” was bad in a cinematic sense or anything. It just didn’t meet the standards that modern film-makers and their kind aspire to, that’s all.

It was, in other words, too “humanist,” not at all a “strong, political film from young, engaged film-makers” (the film-makers who made this non-political film are old, engaged film-makers) and, worst of all, “it was a very conservative selection.” Pfui (yuck)!

Geez. If they had wanted to watch human, uplifting drama they would have gone to some other film festival. I don’t know which one that would be, of course, but it certainly wouldn’t/shouldn’t be the Berlinale.

“The jury shunned almost all the contemporary films that were admired or hotly debated at an otherwise pretty remarkable festival.”