Tag Archives: Humor

Nix Flashmob Here, Buddy

December 15, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, High Art, Humor, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

As Wikipedia informs us, a flash mob (or flashmob) “is a group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual and sometimes seemingly pointless act for a brief time, then disperse, often for the purposes of entertainment, satire, artistic expression.”

Well, Munich officials clearly aren’t in the mood for entertainment, satire or artistic expression these days (it is Christmas season here after all, bah, humbug) and are threatening with 1000 euro fines anyone who decides to follow a Facebook flashmob call to stand still at the city’s famous Marienplatz for five full minutes this coming Saturday.

It’s pretty clear that they don’t want the flashmob to interfere with the Christmas mob because this could lead to mob warfare and we all know who would win that one, right? Man do I ever pity the flashmobbing fool who gets in the way of those folks.

Uns geht es nicht um das Stehenbleiben, sondern um Blockaden.

Same Procedure As Every Year

December 11, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Why put off for tomorrow what you can put off for The Day After Tomorrow instead? Get it?

Oh boy, another climate change agreement. You know, an agreement about agreeing to agree on how governments will agree in the future on how to commit themselves to agree upon finally reaching a final agreement about… I forgot about what, but it has something to do with CO2 or something.

Have you noticed how die Luft ist raus (the air is out or the wheels are off) of the we’re-all-going-to-die-right-now climate change movement? You can only cry wolf for so long, I guess. The masses, in their inexplicable and infinite wisdom, seem to have lost all sense of urgency and are no longer cooperating – not even in Germany. And not even the do-gooders-what’s-in-charge leading them, trying so hard to get that sense of urgency back, seem to know “why Durban is different to climate change agreements of the past.” But they’re trying to understand and I wish them all the very best.

Und das ist gut so (and this is a good thing), these wheels coming off. Once everybody stops hollerin’ and things start calming down a bit maybe we can all get together and begin to approach this issue with a little bit of common sense. Opps, I mean intelligence.

Bis kurz vor Schluss sah es aus, als würde der Klimagipfel von Durban ohne Ergebnis enden. Heraus kommt ein nüchterner Zeitplan, mit dem viele Entscheidungen verschoben werden.

It’s Us Against Them

December 2, 2011 By in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Hypochondria, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Us as in US, I mean.

German authorities are trying to limit what the American tech companies can do, but the Silicon Valley giants are fighting back (the key word is American here, folks).

Give the Germans what they want, I say. But what DO they want, anyway (this is one of my favorite German schizophrenia thangs).

It’s worth noting that Facebook and Google are actually quite popular in the country — the BBC reported in September that “a quarter of the German population are active Facebook users and Google has 95% of the country’s search market.”

Just In Case You Didn’t Know Who To Vote For

December 1, 2011 By in Habitudes, Helections, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

Der Spiegel http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,800850,00.html (sorry, having trouble with the posting today) has put together a highly nuanced and in depth political analysis about US Republican presidential candidates. It is called “A Club of Liars, Demagogues and Ignoramuses.”

 Here are just a few of the more insightful insights:

The current crop of candidates have shown such a basic lack of knowledge that they make George W. Bush look like Einstein (so like they don’t like Einstein, or what?).

They lie. They cheat. They exaggerate. They bluster. They say one idiotic, ignorant, outrageous thing after another (good thing we have the Democrats as an alternative).

The US elections are a reality show after all, a pseudo-political counterpart to the Paris Hiltons, Kim Kardashians and all the “American Idol” and “X Factor” contestants littering today’s TV (I don’t get this but it sounds like it must be astute or something).

The Grand Old Party is ruining the entire country’s reputation (uh, what reputation are we talking about here anyway?).

…Which goes to show that this “movement” (the Tea Party), sponsored by Fox News, has never been interested in the actual business of governing or in the intelligence and intellect that it requires. They are only interested in marketing themselves, for ratings and dollars (if given the choice I’d take the ratings at the moment).

Americans have a short memory (this one sure does, I’ve forgotten your article already).

United We Fall, Divided We Stand

November 29, 2011 By in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Women and children first! No offense there, Nicolas.

It looks like Germany and France may have had enough of broke weeny Europeans (other than themselves) already and now appear to be planning a secret and very “exlusive stability pact” just for the crème de la crème of ze Europe. You know, for that handful of European countries that can still pay their debts, maybe. But don’t tell anybody yet. This is still a secret, like I said.

Deutschland und Frankreich sind nicht mehr gewillt, auf eine Einigung aller EU-Länder zu warten. Notfalls wären sie bereit, mit einigen Ländern voranzugehen und so innerhalb der Währungszone eine Art Klub der Super-Europäer zu gründen, deren Mitglieder sich strengen Sparauflagen unterwerfen.

Is It Really Over?

November 28, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helections, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Finished? Endlich vorbei? Finito and all that? For real?

 Das Votum der Bürger in Baden-Württemberg ist eindeutig: Stuttgart 21 soll gebaut werden. Das führt zu Erleichterung einerseits, Ärger andererseits. Und Politikern, die sich die Sache schönreden.

I don´t have to hear about Stuttgart 21 demonstrators anymore? I don´t have to wonder anymore about why I´ve never understood how people can go ballistic about rebuilding a city´s freakin´train station underground as if it were some unspeakably important social issue? Honest? You´re not shitting me here? The war is finally over and Johnny can come marching home?

Well then let us all stand and sing together!

Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lord;
he is trampling out the vintage
where the grapes of wrath are stored;
he hath loosed the fateful lightning
of his terrible swift sword;
his truth is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His truth is marching on.

The Color Of Money

November 27, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

We’re the Greens. You know, green like money (well it’s green back home)? And that’s what it’s going to cost you too, having voted for us like you did – and yet will (the Greens have become a Volkspartei or major party since Fukushima, remember?).

We only want to help you and we are only doing this for your own good, but in order to ecologically retrofit the German nation it will unfortunately be necessary for our subjects everywhere, green or not, to pay quite heavily through the nose.

It’s all about Umverteilung (redistribution – of other people’s money), as usual. And here at our party convention in Kiel we have come up with just a few of the ways with which this will soon be done:

The toll for trucks will be increased.
The company car privilege will be phased out.
Ecological taxation will be increased, loopholes will be closed.
The tax advantage for married couples will be phased out.
Reduced rate exceptions for the value added tax will be eliminated.
The top tax rate will be increased to 49% (beginning with 80,000 euros gross).
The flat rate withholding tax will be replaced with a progressive tax.
A capital levy on “the rich” will be introduced.
A capital tax will be introduced (replacing the capital levy on “the rich” after ten years).
A “financial market transaction tax” will be introduced.

Like we said, these are just a few modest suggestions for Vorspeise (an appetizer). Just wait until we are actually in power.

Qualität hat ihren Preis (everything comes at a price).

Viva la revolución verde!

Or Maybe It Does Stink (Our Debt)

November 23, 2011 By in Heconomy, Hurt Feelings, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What, me worry?

The German debt agency was forced to retain almost half of a sale of 6 billion euros due to a shortage of bids by investors, sparking fears that Europe’s debt crisis is now even starting to threaten Berlin.

The German government is still resisting calls (from France and elsewhere) to allow the ECB to act more decisively.

“It is a complete and utter disaster,” one financial expert dude in London said. “And everybody has hurt feelings,” I replied. “And that’s the main thing.”

It’s starting to get ugly, folks, in other words. Uh, are we having a panic yet?

“The debt crisis is burrowing ever deeper, like a worm, and is now reaching Germany.”

Toss Out Them There German Wetbacks Now!

November 20, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Helplessness, High Art Tags: , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

Well it’s about freakin’ time somebody did something about the German illegal alien menace to the U s of A, I say.

Go Alabama. Run with it. That state’s tough new law targeting illegal immigrants seems to be working even better than expected. A German Mercedes-Benz manager thought he’d try and outsmart us (as in US) by driving around the countryside without a proper driver’s license. When an officer of the law stopped him and asked to see one, the German tried pulling a fast one by pulling out his namby-pamby German identification card. Needless to say he was immediately arrested and taken downtown for questioning (if there is such a thing as downtown in Alabama).

Dumm gelaufen (tough luck), pal. We ain’t the boy scouts here, mein Freund. We’re the Alabama State Police.

The 46-year-old executive was charged with violating the immigration law for not having proper identification, but he was released after an associate retrieved his passport, visa and German driver’s license from the hotel where he was staying.