After All She’s Done

And it was a lot. A whole lot. WAY TOO MUCH, actually. We ought to decorate her!

They can decorate her every year for Christmas for all I care. She’ll be going down in history alright. But it will not be kind.

Angela Merkel receives Germany’s highest honor – Merkel is only the third German chancellor to receive the award, but some felt it was too soon to rank her among the country’s ‘greats.’

All Quiet On The Academy Awards Front


Does anybody watch that Scheiße anymore?

Germans Are Right to Hate All Quiet on the Western Front – The Academy loves Netflix’s pandering war porn. Its homeland knows better.

Take Schlammschlacht, for instance, which means mudslinging or mud fight, and ends with the German word for battle which also evocatively happens to be the root word for slaughter. Schlammschlacht, by itself, is the headline of Hubert Wetzel’s blistering review in the venerable Süddeutsche Zeitung, describing the weather conditions in which most of the film’s slaughter take place, and, presumably, also the filmmakers’ treatment of a literary treasure…

Steven Spielberg Presents Bono With Berlin Film Festival’s Honorary Golden Bear

U2 frontman Bono was presented with the Berlin Film Festival’s Honorary Golden Bear for Lifetime Achievement by Steven Spielberg, who made a surprise appearance at the rousing special ceremony on Tuesday.

Or maybe it was the other way around. I forget. You’d have to ask somebody who gives a Scheiße.

I Had No Idea He Was Already Dead

Although if you watch any of his last few films…

Berlin film fest gives Spielberg lifetime achievement award – Steven Spielberg will be honored for his life’s work at the Berlin International Film Festival in February.

Festival organizers said Tuesday that the 75-year-old American director, producer and screenwriter will be awarded an honorary Golden Bear, the annual event’s top prize, for a body of work that comprises more than 100 movies and series.

And That Little Girl’s Not Wearing Her Head-Thingy, Either

Officially banned from filmmaking in Iran since 2010, Iranian director Jafar Panahi’s third film since then, Taxi, just won the Golden Bear at the 65th Berlin Film Festival.


Iranian creative folks still officially allowed to work in Iran are now petitioning their government to officially ban their work, too. Unfortunately, however, the head Islamically-correct-artistic-expression-mullah-what’s-in-charge said nichts da (nothing doing) when reached for comment, as “official bans like ours don’t just grow on trees, you know. And besides, if we officially banned everything then our official bans would not be nearly as effective as they have been up until now. And that’s official,” the official said.

“Limitations often inspire filmmakers to storytellers to make better work.”

Rostock Universität Beats Nobel Committee To The Draw

Frantic to beat the coming Nobel Peace Prize award being planned in Oslo, the Faculty of Philosophy at the University of Rostock has boldly decided to launch a preemptive honorary doctorate award strike at that less than honorable doctor of whistleblowing himself, Edward Snowden.


The faculty council approved the cold-blooded, unprovoked resolution with 17 of 21 votes.

The thoroughly prepared German folk hero could not be reached directly for comment but reliable sources watching his every move day and night report having overheard him already practicing his acceptance speech, saying that he is “honored by the honor, scout’s honor,” or something to that effect.

Die Fakultät und Snowden haben bislang keinen Kontakt miteinander gehabt. Es gebe aber Beziehungen zu Menschen, die mit Snowden in Verbindung stehen.

And This Year’s Winner Of The German Spitzel, Spy And Whistleblower Award Goes To…

When you get the top award in the category of Best Informant from a country like Germany, you know you have most definitley reached the top of your game.


And so it comes as no surprise to most Hollywood award-watchers out there that Edward Snowden has just received the German “Whistleblower Prize” in recognition of his “bold efforts” to expose the monitoring of communications data by his trusted, I mean trusting employer.

As we all know, Germany enjoys an incredibly long and rich tradition of abusing individual freedoms, usually in the form of “Spitzel” or spying activity practised between private individuals, regardless of the current political or totalitarian system they may find themselves in, so this prestigeous award immediately skyrockets Snowden to the exalted ranks of the top double-crossing turncoats of recent German, if not world history.

Snowden himself was speechless. But this was mostly because he was not available for comment, nor will he be able to pick up said award for some strange reason, but still.

“Wir sind Edward Snowden außerordentlich dankbar.”

Peinlich, Peinlicher, Am Peinlichsten

Peinlich. You know, as in embarrassing or cringe-making? Berlin’s Tip Magazin has just announced this year’s winners for the city’s “Flop 100” Most Embarrassing Berliners and did a really thorough analysis, I find. The only difficult part was narrowing the short list down to 100 losers, it seems.

Wowereit in Aktion.

And no, it wasn’t really much of a contest when it came to selecting number one. The Überflieger (high-flyer – as in airport, get it?) himself, Mayor Klaus Wowereit, was never really in any serious danger of not coming out on bottom, although Pirate clown Johannes Ponader gave him a pretty good run for the money. And no, they won’t be receiving any, or any more than they have already.

Einen Ehrenplatz auf der Nummer 100 bekam Altplayboy Rolf Eden – der wäre vermutlich enttäuscht, wenn sein Name nicht in der Liste auftauchen würde.

What Do Bushido, Bambi And Heino Have In Common?

I’m not sure, but whatever it is has got to be bizarre.

Bambi is not Bambi here, it’s an award. Heino, however, is Heino. And so is Bushido (as in being Bushido). They are both singers, kind of. Heino is now like way totally beleidigt (offended) because Bushido got a Bambi (the award) and has now sent his (Heino’s) back in protest. Heino thinks that Bushido is not volkstümlich (folksy) enough, I think, and Heino of all people should know what volkstümlich enough is or not. Bushido, being a criminal German Hip-Hop kinda guy with the bad lyrics and all that, was born offended. So now everybody is happy, I think. Hey, this is Schau business or something.

“Ich bin zutiefst empört, dass man einem gewalttätigen Kriminellen wie Bushido den Bambi verleiht. Mit diesem Mann möchte ich nicht auf eine Stufe gestellt werden.”