The best team won. The first Europeans on South American soil, which takes some doing, and the first team here to stifle Messi while still discovering a route to goal themselves.
Category Archives: Hysteria
My Pope Can Beat Up Your Pope
Germans everywhere seem to be particularly nervous today for some reason. Somebody told me it might have something to do with soccer. And Argentina.
I’d be nervous then, too. Each team has a pope in the corner.
My the best pope win.
For the first time ever, the two teams facing each other in the World Cup final will each have a living pope in their corner: Pope Francis’ Argentina against Pope Emeritus Benedict’s Germany.
Germans Shocked That Top US Intelligence Official Was Involved In Spying
And that’s why they have now asked him to get his little top secret agent ass out of the country like pronto, buddy. Or at least I can only assume that’s the reason why.
“We were stunned to learn that a professional undercover snoop like this would have the audacity to abuse our mutual trust and openness by spying on us like this,” a spokesman for the German government must have said. “It’s just not the kind of thing that sneaky secret agent types like that do. At least it’s not what the German ones do.”
Nach Bekanntwerden eines weiteren möglichen Spionagefalls hat die Bundesregierung erste Konsequenzen gezogen. Der Repräsentant der amerikanischen Nachrichtendienste an der amerikanischen Botschaft wurde aufgefordert, Deutschland zu verlassen.
Germans Wrestling With Unresolvable Guilt After Annihilating Brazil
After a devastating 7-1 victory over Brazil, and with World Cup domination possibly just one small step around the corner, Germans everywhere have instinctively begun flagellating themselves with guilt and remorse in a futile attempt to come to grips with the responsibility they feel for the soccer atrocities committed in their name last night.
“4-0 would have been enough,” a spokesman for the shamed German people said.
“This victory is too high,” another disturbed German tweeted. “Shame. Compassion for humiliated opponent. Quickly to bed.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel caught the mood with typical understatement. “I think it almost deserves the name ‘historic,” she said.
Too Close To Call
So who’s going to win today? Germany?
Or Brazil?
Spielerfrauen der Nationalmannschaft: Die elf Volltreffer der DFB-Elf
Good luck, Germany!
Germany To Introduce American Trust Level Advisory System
Outraged by allegations that a German employee of the German foreign-intelligence agency BND may have been a double-agent who passed along information to the CIA (about a parliamentary inquiry of NSA surveillance programs), the German public’s level of trust towards the USA has now reached such a new level of low that a color-coded trust level advisory scale will now need to be introduced.
Based on the American Homeland Security Advisory System, the coming German Trust-Amerika Level Advisory Scale will have a few fundamental differences, however. The “normal” green trust level will start out at Absolute Zero, for instance. It will then work it’s way down, or up, if you prefer, to Less Than Absolute Zero, Way Less Than Absolute Zero, Highly Less Than Absolute Zero and then to the Severely Less Than Absolute Zero It Doesn’t Get Any Less Absolute Zero Than This, People level.
It is unclear when the new system will be introduced as these plans are super-mega-ultra top secret and have not been officially leaked by the responsible double-agents yet.
“If the suspicion of a targeted attack on a German constitutional body is confirmed, just one year after the first Snowden disclosures, that would set the level of trust back to zero and result in political consequences.”
Security Sources?
International airports have been asked to expand their screening of passengers before flying to the United States after security sources have warned of possible new terror attacks.
Who might these security sources be? Certainly not the NSA, right?
Nach Angaben deutscher Sicherheitskreise stützten sich die US-Warnungen auf Informationen über eine verstärkte Kommunikation unter europäischen Rückkehrern aus Syrien, Afghanistan und Pakistan.
This Is Getting Out Of Hand
How to Skip Work to Watch U.S. vs. Germany?
What has happened to our country, people? The next thing you know we’ll be joining unions to push for turning up late to work after World Cup games that begin after ten at night. Like certain other countries do, I mean.
Go US-Amerikaner!
America Decides Its Gold Is Safe In German Hands
No, wait. Germany has decided its gold is safe in American hands (I knew it was one of those).
Surging mistrust of the euro during Europe’s debt crisis fed a campaign to bring Germany’s entire $141 billion gold reserve home from New York and London. Now, after politics shifted in Chancellor Angela Merkel’s coalition, the government has concluded that stashing half its bullion abroad is prudent after all.
“The Americans are taking good care of our gold… It’s my view that the gold reserves should be stored wherever they might be needed in an emergency.”
As If Nazi Streakers At World Cup Games Weren’t Bad Enough
And they are.
The Beatles themselves are now being forced to sing in German for Adolf Hitler.
In a controversial new computer game thingy, I mean.
“It was very important to us to create a credible soundtrack for Wolfenstein. We wanted to capture the tone of this alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II.”
Observing Hermann 