The Dirty Dozen

August 30, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Islamists, Recruitment, Terror 2 Comments

The German army is shrinking fast. After a recent purge of right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists and now Islamists, the number of able combat soldiers the Bundeswehr keeps on hand to never actually use has dropped to a dangerously low level indeed. Below is a picture of the entire remaining German army in non-action.

“This has gone far enough already,” said one disgruntled spokesman for the pitifully anemic somewhat military-like force. “If they ever make us kick out the common criminals and other unsavory types we won’t have anyone left to not go to war with at all.”

More than 60 Islamists are suspected of sneaking into the ranks of the Germany army to undergo military training and carry out attacks in the country, it has been reported.

Half Of German Army Resigns

August 2, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, Combat, Conscientious Objectors, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Soldiers 1 Comment

Over 400 German soldiers have filed applications for resignation from the country’s armed forces, leaving the other half to fend for itself all on its own.

“Combat situations are often revelatory moments in which the risk of a soldier’s career – of killing or being killed is often realized for the first time and then experienced in its full scope,” said a Left party Bundeswehr expert when interviewed about the matter.

“That the German army doesn’t ever experience any combat situations like ever at all (as in NEVER) is the really mysterious thing behind all of this,” said another unnamed expert who wasn’t even being interviewed. Or even asked, for that matter. Nor will he ever be, as far as I can figure.

Seit Mitte 2014 wollten 62 Soldatinnen und 407 Soldaten aus Gewissensgründen entlassen werden.

UFO Crash Site Secured In Germany

April 22, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, High Art, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, German, Germans, Germany, Hohenfels, Humvees, Military, Parachutes, UFOs 2 Comments

I mean UFO as in Unimpeded Falling Object, by the way.

And first reports indicate that these eerie, extraterrestrial vehicles appear to be American made. I got your Area 51 for you right here, pal.

Wenn Autos vom Himmel regnen, dann hat man entweder Drogen genommen, oder man befindet sich offenbar auf dem Truppenübungsplatz in Hohenfels.

German Soldiers To Put Even More Blitz In Blitzkrieg

April 11, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, Defense, German, Germans, Germany, Military, Overtime, War 1 Comment

They have to. No more overtime will be allowed during regular wartime hours so get ‘er done quick, men. I mean persons.

The German military, once the most feared fighting force in Europe, is being forced to lay down its weapons by restrictive new overtime limits.

German soldiers taking part in a four-week Nato exercise in Norway earlier this year had to leave after just 12 days because they had gone over their overtime limits, it has emerged…

Under the latest reforms, in force since January, the military working week has been reduced to 41 hours and troops can no longer be paid for working overtime.

Stell dir vor, es ist Krieg, und die Bundeswehr muss Überstunden abbauen.

Bundeswehr: An Army Of One?

December 1, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Home Cooking Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Recruiting, Service, Slogans 2 Comments

No, not one as in officers, non-commissioned officers and enlisted.

One as in one big waste of time. A Bundeswehr Strong waste of time.

Germany Launches U.S.-Style Military Recruiting Center in Berlin

The German War Machine She Is Broken

September 25, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Hideology, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hustle (Hoax), Hypocrisy Tags: Army, Bundeswehr, Defense, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Military, Pacifism, Profit Leave a comment

Only half of Germany’s Eurofighters are operational. Of Germany’s 180 tanks (total), only 70 are ready to roll.

But honestly, who cares? Where would these tanks roll to even if they could roll? Other than over and die, I mean.

This “shocking” new revelation that doesn’t shock anybody who has lived in this country for more than five minutes is just another one of these famous German Scheindiskussionen (mock discussions). Everybody here knows that even if all of this equipment was in perfect working condition it would never be used anyway. It’s at times like these when everyone else in the world can see what the German army really is: An Alibi Army (you can’t sell expensive weapons systems without having an army to justify why you built them). Not that anybody out there could care less or anything. But still.

Nur 42 der 74 verfügbaren Eurofighter der Luftwaffe sollen für Ausbildung, Übungsflüge oder Einsatz bereitstehen, bei den Tornado-Jägern seien es nur 38 von 66. Von den 43 aktuell verfügbaren Transall-Maschinen C160 könnten demnach nur 24 starten, beim Transporthubschrauber CH-53 seien nur 16 von 43 einsatzbereit…

Bundeswehr On The Front Line Again

July 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Arms Sales, Army, Berlin, Bundeswehr, Exports, German, Germans, Germany, Industry, Sales, Ships, The Military, Weapons, Weapons Exports Leave a comment

When it comes to fighting for German weapon system exports, I mean. Talk about your military industrial complex. The Germans sure have one – and are clearly in denial about it – which is the real news item here if you ask me. Take the latest sale of frigates to Algeria, for instance (I mean please).

These pacifistic (German made) and very expensive peaceships not only make big profits for traditional Waffenschmiede (weapons makers) like Thyssen-Krupp Marine-Systeme, they finally give Germany’s alibi army something vernünftig (reasonable) to do: Train the folks who might actually be using these weapons one day – and in a thoroughly German thorough way, too, I am sure.

Who says the Bundeswehr isn’t an effective force? No, not a fighting one, as a sales force.

“Die Ausbildung wird in Deutschland und auf Hoher See stattfinden.”

Sauerbraten Is Hell

October 14, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Health, Home Cooking Tags: Afghanistan, Army, Berlin, Food Poisoning, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire 1 Comment

Don’t ever eat German food in northern Afghanistan.

Some 200 NATO soldiers got food poisoning after eating in a German canteen in the ISAF regional headquarters in Mazar-i-Sharif.

But don’t worry, everbody has recovered and “overall fighting strength was not affected” (for the better? – maybe you should worry).

Too bad the kitchen has already been disinfected and everything. They could have started offering this stuff to the Taliban.

Army scientists were still hunting for the source of the infection.

We surrender already!

April 21, 2010 By Hermann Observer in History, Hysteria Tags: Army, Berlin, Bombs, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Military, Satire Leave a comment

Just stop holding hands and singing We Shall Overcome!

Not even those rugged German army types can take this kind of abuse forever. After years of moaning and sniveling and peaceniking about saving the heath and health of the so-called “Bombodrom” in Kyritz-Ruppiner Heide near Berlin, the Bundeswehr has finally rolled over and decided to close down its infamous military training area.

It had been a shocking Vorgang (course of events) or something. They actually practiced dropping bombs here once, I think. Maybe twice. Fake bombs of course, but still. Damn, where is the Bundeswehr going to drop their fake bombs now?

Bundesverteidigungsminister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg (CSU) erklärte in Berlin, die Bundeswehr löse diesen Standort mit seinen 80 Mitarbeitern vollständig auf.

Unprepared and unwilling, understand?

March 16, 2010 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness Tags: Afghanistan, Army, Berlin, Bundeswehr, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 1 Comment

Now we know why the Bundeswehr is unprepared for combat. It’s because the Bundeswehr is unprepared for combat (we already knew that they were unwilling).

But at least now it’s official or something. The being unprepared part, I mean. So that way nobody has to feel bad about it or anything, I guess.

Germany’s parliamentary commissioner for the armed forces criticized the country’s support of its soldiers, saying the Bundeswehr lacked the most basic necessities for its missions abroad.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Army