Ende gut, alles gut. All’s well that ends well. But the Germans sure didn’t look like they were feeling very well while playing Algeria yesterday.
Would you rather we played beautiful football but got knocked out?
PS: Good luck with Belgium, OOZA!
Tag Archives: Satire
German Army Wants Armed Drones Just In Case
So it can have the military ability to answer with a resounding no if anybody ever asks them to use them, I mean.
What on earth are they smoking over there with Colonel Klink these days, anyway?
Drone-opponents worry that having armed drones at the Bundeswehr’s disposal will lower inhibitions to use them, too. There is also the fear that fully automatic drones will at some point be able to make decisions regarding life or death. UAVs can already take off and land by themselves and – once programmed – fly routes without human involvement.
Germany’s Germans Better Than Amerika’s Germans
Germans Say. Those soccer playing German-American Germans on the American team, I mean. The German-German Germans are more German-like or something. Gee, I never really thought about that before but that really makes sense.
And that’s why they just had to win last Thursday. And did, of course. But we should gönne (grant) them that and not begrudge them just because we as “Americans want to win everything.” Real Germans don’t want to win everything, I can only assume, and therefore the least the rest of us as in U.S. (and the rest of the world) can do is to finally let them win the World Cup for once already for crying out loud. Or for the third or fourth time now, I forget.
“The US has everything. Hollywood, money, weapons, let us have at least football.”
America Decides Its Gold Is Safe In German Hands
No, wait. Germany has decided its gold is safe in American hands (I knew it was one of those).
Surging mistrust of the euro during Europe’s debt crisis fed a campaign to bring Germany’s entire $141 billion gold reserve home from New York and London. Now, after politics shifted in Chancellor Angela Merkel’s coalition, the government has concluded that stashing half its bullion abroad is prudent after all.
“The Americans are taking good care of our gold… It’s my view that the gold reserves should be stored wherever they might be needed in an emergency.”
Been There Done That
US student is rescued from giant vagina sculpture in Germany
On Friday afternoon, a young American in Tübingen had to be rescued by 22 firefighters after getting trapped inside a giant sculpture of a vagina.
Police confirmed that the firefighters turned midwives delivered the student “by hand and without the application of tools”.
PS: Speaking of the fighting spirit… Jürgen Klinsmann has promised that his USA team will play to win against Germany in their final Group G match on Thursday, even though a draw would be enough to see both teams through to the knockout phase.
“Where’s The P?”
“Running down my leg.”
Germany stomped Portugal 4-0 on Monday, and it seems as if the whole city of Berlin was watching intently. The chart above—from the city’s public water utility—shows water usage from 6 p.m. on the day of the game to 6 a.m. In two dramatic spikes, coming at halftime and at the close of the game, water consumption nearly doubled. Lots of pee was being held.
“A model of German scheduling efficiency. Meanwhile, the Spanish just haphazardly pissed away two entire matches.”
Was This Bridge Built Using Heavy Metal?
Dresden – Metal fans must be cheering but everybody else is rubbing their eyes: Google Maps has turned the Waldschlößchenbrücke into Ozzy Osbourne Bridge!
Metal-Fans dürften jubeln, alle anderen werden sich die Augen reiben: Der Internet-Kartendienst Google Maps hat aus der Dresdner Waldschlößchenbrücke die Ozzy-Osbourne-Brücke gemacht!
German Team Training With Dummies
They are also training with some giant inflatable roly-poly-like figures, too.
Injuries have depleted Germany’s defence in such a way that their opening match against Portugal may see four central defenders in the starting lineup, with two of them out of position and two who have rarely played together.
“We do have a little problem there.”
Let The Pre-Sommerloch Activities Begin
Long before the official Sommerloch activities do, I mean.
You know. The Sommerloch? That time of year in Germany when the people who manufacture the news are on vacation so the skeleton crew back at the office tries to make do by cranking out monster sightings? As in, if it wasn’t for fake news we wouldn’t have no news at all?
Anyways, Lotti the Turtle Monster herself is back from last summer. Even though she was never actually sighted even then, of course. The villagers or peasants in the area – some place called Irsee (Irrsinn means insanity, by the way, no connection) – have placed a trap for her and are hoping for the best. The best media coverage they can possibly squeeze out of this puppy. I mean turtle. Like in June already.
After all, there’s not much else going on in the news these days, is there? What else are Germans going to be interested in reading about?
Lotti wurde nie gesehen. Ob sie tatsächlich existierte oder die Irseer im vergangenen Sommer einem Phantom hinterher jagten, wird wohl nie geklärt werden.
The Removal Of This Sign Is Strictly Forbidden
Cool Berliner signs and Zettel. For no particular reason at all.
Observing Hermann 