Tag Archives: Satire

A Country Named Sue

June 14, 2011 By in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Heconomy, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

You sue, I sue, we all do (sue). And here I thought Germany was the land of Konsens (consensus – not common sense). At least when it comes to doing this nuclear phaseout thang, I mean. Fooled again.

OK, it is logical and predictable that Germany’s power companies now have hurt feelings and are preparing to take legal action against the government’s decision to shut down their nuclear power plants because, well, the government is shutting down their nuclear power plants.

But what about all the thousands of lawsuits being prepared by power-line, wind energy and other regional resistance group apponents the nation over set to flood the lawsuit market once these big honkin’ power-line thingies start going up? You know, the power-lines that will transport the good offshore wind farm energy from the north to the bad industrial south?

Why can’t we (as in you) learn to live together in simple peace and harmony? Now that the nuclear power dragon has finally been slain, I mean. Come on, folks. Join hands, form a circle, sit down and talk.

Specifically, they will invoke Article 14 of the German constitution, which addresses the question of whether the companies’ assets are being expropriated, and if they are therefore entitled to compensation. After that, the amount of compensation would be negotiated in civil courts. According to internal calculations, the industry envisions a potential sum of €20 billion ($29 billion). The burden would ultimately fall on taxpayers.

“Frau am Steuer…das wird teuer!”

June 12, 2011 By in Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

“A woman at the wheel, that’ll cost you!”

Who would have thought that? According to Germany’s Federal Agency for Electricity, the German electricity grid is in a thoroughly chaotic condition these days. No one can explain why. And the cost of purchasing needed electricity (nuclear generated) at the European Energy Exchange has already gone up 10 percent and further increases are expected to follow soon. It’s bizarre. It’s almost as if some crazy person had shut down eight nuclear power plants here or something.

Yup, Angie Merkel’s Fukushima-driven German angst Atomaustieg (nuclear phase-out) may have indeed been absolutely necessary and of critical urgency (opinion polls, folks, you gots to give the people what they want), but hysteria does have its price. Even in Germany, I mean. But who cares? I know the Germans pretty well and I am convinced that they are all going to be more than willing to pay radically higher electricity bills in order to avoid the, uh, tsunami threat on the home front.

What I really don’t understand is the economics at play here. There is clearly an overabundance of hysteria in this country, right? Shouldn’t that make the price of hysteria, like, cheaper or something? I’d ask an economist but you know how the adage goes: For every economist there is an equal and opposite economist.

“Das Bundeskartellamt erwartet als Folge des Atomausstiegs steigende Strompreise. An der Strombörse sind die Preise bereits um zehn Prozent gestiegen.”

Über Euro Über Alles?

June 10, 2011 By in Heconomy Tags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Time for a new European currency yet?

“The real threat to the euro isn’t that a weak peripheral country like Greece might withdraw in an effort to devalue its way to competitiveness, but rather that Germany might want to pull out.”

This guy makes a very interesting point. He goes into what he defines as the three main problems that have led Greece, Portugal, Ireland and Spain (not yet, but soon) to the dismal position they are now in and suggests that because of the coming bailout fatique, the only way to save the union is, well, to divide it. This could best be done by introducing an Über Euro in the non-bailout nations.

“Germany’s incentive to leave grows with each bailout, and Berlin could ultimately make a simple calculation that extrication will be less costly than continuing the sacrifice needed to keep the euro.”

To avoid this, one could strike a grand bargain by creating this new currency. “These nations then announce that all obligations between their citizens will henceforth be denominated in the new currency, the Über Euro, which would eventually be managed by the Bundesbank. The Über Euro would initially be set at a value of perhaps 1.3 euros, setting the stage for an export boom for countries that continue to use the euro. This would allow the remaining eurozone members to restore their competitiveness without having their financial systems go bankrupt; it also would allow Germany to sell the plan as saving Europe without breaking up the EU.”

“Should the remaining euro countries continue irresponsible fiscal policies, the European Central Bank (which would continue to be their central bank), would slowly monetize their debt. The euro would continue to depreciate against the Über Euro and perhaps end up as junk currency. …The ECB’s stature would be diminished and its balance sheet probably trashed.”

Sounds like a good plan to me (for world domination?). But I’m not very good with money, either.

There is no inherent reason the European project cannot proceed with two currencies and the citizenry may force this outcome.

PS: Beware, Greece. As the Wall Street Journal puts it, there’s a Wolfgang at your door.

“I got a million of them, folks!”

June 8, 2011 By in Humor Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

“Europe and Germany have no better partner than America,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said as she opened her transatlantic alliance comedy routine at the White House last night. “Wish I could say it was the same the other way around, too!”

“Ha, ha. Do you know how many Germans it takes to change a light bulb? Zero. After shutting down eight nuclear power plants we don’t need to change them anymore.”

“Hey, did you hear the one about these two Greeks working in a bank office? The one guy tells the other one that there`s a German debt collector waiting outside. The other guy says: Then tell him to get his ass in here and take that pile on my desk.”
 
“How many gears would a German tank have if it were to accidently take part in a UN-backed military action in Libya which Germany would most certainly have obstained from voting for in the Security Council beforehand? Five. Four reverse and one foward, just in case the enemy were to attack from the rear!”

“You’ve been wonderful, folks. See you tomorrow night! Drive carefully. Unless it’s a Benz, I mean.”

American Imports Now Ravaging German Government Quarter Itself

June 8, 2011 By in Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , 5 Comments

Now I know the real reason why Angie Merkel went to Washington (nobody else around here seems to know why). Racoon attacks are up in Germany again and she wants Schadenersatz (damages).

And not only that, a “terror racoon” (that’s him up there) has even been sighted in Berlin’s Regierungsviertel itself and has been causing residents who live near Schloss Bellevue lots of Stress (stress). He likes messing with their garbage or something.

Boy I tell you back in the day when there was a wall around this city animals like that knew their place and it wasn’t here.

Mehr als 20.000 verschiedene Tier- und Pflanzenarten gibt es inzwischen in der Hauptstadt.

Foreign Accent Syndrome Mars State Visit

June 7, 2011 By in Health Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The timing could not have been worse. Just before she was scheduled to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Barack Obama HIMSELF, German Chancellor Angela Merkel has had to undergo emergency dental surgery which has now left her speaking with an American accent.

“Is she making fun of me or something?” a puzzled President Obama asked his staff shortly after her arrival. “Where’d that weird-ass twang come from?”

But after a short consultation, Washington and Berlin decided to continue with the three-day summit anyway, in the vain hope that it will project to the world a close working relationship and might somehow bolster their failing transatlantic partnership, American accent or not. Washington is concerned about Germany’s recent tendancy to opt for bizarre Alleingänge (solo runs) and it’s increasing lack of ambition within the European Union, Berlin preferring to cultivate bilateral ties to major developing economies like China and India instead.

“It’s not so much the goofy accent,” one White House aide told journalists later. “It’s more that eerie way she’ll say one thing and then do something completely different.”

“I don’t feel different inside at all,” a smiling Merkel told reporters with what appeared to be a cross between a thick Texas and a ferocious Massachusetts accent. “I’m the same old me I ever was.”

“Es ist ja nichts Schlimmes, einen ausländischen Akzent zu haben.”

The Green Plague (Another Green Shirt Terror Post)

June 6, 2011 By in Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Now it’s tainted German sprouts that have caused the deadly E. coli (Ehec) outbreak (but remember, the source of the outbreak seems to change here every few hours–ask Spanish organic cucumber farmers). Sprouts? That’s another one of them there green organic foods, ain’t it?

Anyway, one German Spiegel reader who goes by the name of alex300 is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore. I feel his pain and stuff. He writes:

“What have we learned from the organic crisis?

1. That green organic farmers can cause more damage than Chernobyl and Fukushima together. How many deaths have been attributed to Fukushima? Just one worker who died of a heart attack. How many deaths do we have to thank for the green organic madness? More than 2000 contaminated by health stores and organic sprouts, about 1000 of them with irreparable brain and kidney damage, and 21 dead.

2. That biogas plants are much more dangerous than nuclear reactors. An atomic reactor can contaminate a 30 km area around it, max. The multiresistant bacteria that breed in biogas plants can wipe out all of humanity.

No power to the green organic plague!”

I hope alex300 is feeling better now. I sure do. For now.

Was haben wir aus der Biokrise gelernt?

1. Die grünen Biobauer können viel mehr schaden anrichten als Tschernobyl und  Fukushima zusammen. Wie viele Tote hat Fukushima verschuldet? Nur einen Arbeiter, der an einem Herzinfarkt verstarb. Wie viele Tote haben wir dank dem grünen Biowahn? Mehr als 2000 verseuchten durch Reformhäuser und Biosprossen, ca. 1000 mit irreparablen Hirn- und Nierenschäden und 21 Toten.

2. Die Biogasanlagen sind wesentlich gefährlicher als die AKWs. Ein AKW kann maximal 30 km Umgebung gefährlich verseuchen. Die multiresistenten Bakterien, die in Biogasanlagen brüten, können die ganze Menschheit auslöschen.

Keine Macht der grünen Bioseuche!

Germans Meant “Work Harder”

June 5, 2011 By in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Hypocrisy Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Down south (in battling the Greek debt crisis, for instance). Not longer. A study based on OECD and Eurostat figures has determined that Germans work less annually than their no good and lazy Southern European neighbors.

The study indicates that “a German’s average annual work duration (1,390 hours) was substantially lower than for a Greek (2,119), an Italian (1,773) a Portuguese (1,719) and a Spaniard (1,654).”

But at least for that the Germans work more intensely, right? Not according to that study, they don’t.

But at least they mean well, or something?

“Germany’s productivity per head remains close to the average of southern European countries. Its hourly productivity rate is above average but not better than France or Greece,”