Tag Archives: Satire

Jubiläumswiesnbier?

September 15, 2010 By in Habitudes, History, Home Cooking Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Go ahead. Say that ten times really fast.

My oh my, it seems just like yesterday that the Oktoberfest began. 200 years ago, I mean.

And to honor this hallowed event, and to be able to charge even more than usual for the stuff, six rival Bavarian breweries are calling a beer truce to brew a speciel brew in beer-heavenly peace and love and justice together forever amen; that there Jubiläumswiesnbier thing mentioned up there.

The top-secret recipe being used will produce an “amber-colored special beer full-bodied in taste with a flowery malt aroma” and a beer, with an alcohol content of 6 percent, that’ll also knock your Ding in the dirt. But it’s all in the name of tradition, people, OK? Like, it took 200 years to get here, you know?

Even though the Oktoberfest tradition is 200 years old this year, the festival is only being held for the 177th time because it was cancelled on 24 occasions in times of war and during two cholera outbreaks in the 19th century.

SPD: If we throw him out then this will solve Germany’s integration problems

September 14, 2010 By in Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

This is quite a bold and particularly stupid move on the part of the SPD, but hey, somebody over there has got to do it, I guess.

Normally more than ready, willing and able to follow the slightest whims and moods of potential voters (this being one of the main reasons so many of their voters have abandoned them and put them in the unspeakably bad position they are in), the Brain Police wing of the SPD lack-of-leadership will now go ahead and expel their all too outspoken commrade Thilo Sarazzin for expressing controvsial views about Germany’s Muslim immigrant community that a large majority of the German population shares (I happen to believe that this majority is actually much larger than most Germans think or will admit to, by the way, but maybe that’s just me).

Das ist gut so (and that’s a good thing too) because the SPD was actually showing signs of life as of late and even getting cocky and picking up in the polls in recent weeks (there’s nowhere to go but up when you’re on the bottom) but now they’ve gotten tired of patting themselves on their collective back(s), so there we have it. It’s time to head back down to the Keller again and rest their collective arm(s) a bit or something.

“Wir können in der SPD nicht alles dulden.”

“Thank you for travelling with Deutsche Bahn”

September 13, 2010 By in Habitudes, Helplessness Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

And now, for the rest of you out there rolling your eyes at the conductor’s English, he’ll start speaking your lingo again. And he won’t have to sound so friendly-like all the time either.

Everyone is relieved it seems (me included) at the Bahn’s plan to reduce the number of their annoying announcements – in English. They will now only be, uh, announcing them on trains and at stations where international travellers are more likely to be (so they can better figure out together what the hell it was the announcer just said?). They won’t be talking English at folks on trains going to Kleksdorf or Entenhausen anymore, in other words.

It’s not so much that these folks don’t always speak English that well you know, it’s just that they won’t stop speaking it. Back to the future, I say – I mean past, at last.

Eingeführt hatte der bundeseigene Konzern die englischen Durchsagen – über deren Aussprache sich manch ein Passagier auch amüsierte – auf Schienen und an größeren Stationen 2006 zur Fußball-Weltmeisterschaft in Deutschland.

Fake fakes not the original fakes

September 12, 2010 By in High Art, History Tags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Konrad Kujau is the only original in this story, folks. Remember him? He’s the forger who authored those hilarious Hitler Diaries way back when. You know, the ones with the wrong initials on the cover?

Anyway, a woman in Dresden claiming to be his great niece has topped him, sort of, by having been given a two-year suspended sentence for forging his (the forger’s) signature on forgeries of masterpieces that weren’t forged by him (they were Asian import forgeries) and then selling them for the genuine amount of €300,000.

Though clearly marked as fakes, Kujau’s newfound fame meant that people were willing to pay up to €3,500 for his work.

Yoko Ono confronting violence again

September 10, 2010 By in High Art Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

This time here in Berlin, as we speak, so-to-speak. And with peace, I must assume. Or with art, which is even better, I guess. So like I’m there, dude. After all, I had absolutely no idea that there is “incredible violence and abuse going on in the world now” and that “instead of just putting that reality under the rug and just forgetting about it, we have to face it.”

She means the 9/11 anniversary event(s) tomorrow, right? Or the Taliban? American football? Driving on German autobahns? How about the evolutionary process i.e. nature and natural selection itself? Hard to say for sure. Egal (doesn’t matter), let’s just face it – and “face it”, whatever that means.

Titled “Das Gift” — a play on the word’s meaning in English, a present, and German, poison — the exhibit opened in Berlin Friday. The 77-year-old artist told The Associated Press she hoped it would force viewers to confront violence without losing hope.

PS: Did I ever tell you that I don’t get art? Not that I needed to.

Get your latest angst here!

September 9, 2010 By in Heconomy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Oh boy, another German angst study just came out. But nobody is brave enough to read it yet so I’ll have to give you a quick summary instead.

There is a certain logic to these studies, by the way. There always is, although it may not seem all that logical to you or to me.

For instance, after having patted themselves on the back over the past few weeks about how great the German economy is doing, it only stands to reason (here) that the latest number one German angst has to do with just that; the economy. Some 67 percent of Germans asked are shaking in their boots about it – and worry about the climbing cost of living at the same time. A mere 61 percent of those asked worry about becoming unemployed.

But it’s only going to get more frightening, folks. A group of economic experts has just revised their growth prediction for the Germany economy this year upwards fron 2.1 to 3.4 percent. Boo!

Wie andere Experten haben die Kieler ihre Schätzung für 2010 deutlich erhöht. Bisher hatten sie für 2010 nur 2,1 Prozent Wachstum veranschlagt, nun erwarten sie ein Plus von 3,4 Prozent.

“Germany does not back down…

September 8, 2010 By in High Art, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

in the face of threats from Islamist fanatics.” That’s strange, I thought they did that kind of thing all the time.

Anyways, Angela Merkel will be speaking tonight at the M100 Media Prize award ceremony in which Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard will be honored.

You know, for freedom of the press or something like that? That’s right, this is the guy who drew some cartoons a few years back that offended Muslims worldwide because they, well, actually, I still don’t really see why. But maybe that’s just me.

And now, five years later, the Chancellor of Germany, “by having her photo taken next to Kurt Westergaard,” will be taking “a huge risk.” Hey, no risk no fun, right?

“Die Auszeichnung Westergaards ist in dieser aufgeladenen und erhitzten Zeit hochproblematisch.”

At least it wasn’t communist pornography

September 7, 2010 By in Higher Education, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

This has got to be the most insidious commi plot yet, or even ever. The German Communist Party in Essen (yes, it actually still exists) handed out pens to six-year-old kids that can project erotic images of women on walls and, well, I dunno, all over. And like, they even did it by accident.

Damn. I remember being pretty excited on my first day at school and all that but this really takes the cake, or Kuchen, if you prefer.

This truly is shocking and obscene. No, not the part about the pens so much (German sex ed starts really early over here anyway), I mean that the German Communist Party was allowed to hand out anything to six-year-old kids like that in the first place.

“The German Communist Party deeply regrets what has happened and is outraged that this kind of thing, which borders on pornography, can be purchased in normal shops.”

Flying stones gather no moss

September 6, 2010 By in Habitudes Tags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Who needs Hamburg Islamists to stage daring terrorist acts in Germany when there are plenty of non-Islamic German types out there attacking the country already?

You know the deal, this was another one of those annual fight-the-power-squatter-anarchist-riot-romantic-love-fest things that got out of control again because they always get of control again, this time in Hamburg’s Schanzenviertel after the so-called Schanzenfest. Hey, somebody’s got to do this stuff. Hamburg Islamist or not, I mean.

“Geschlossen gegen Gewalt.”

So like sack me already

September 5, 2010 By in Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Fire Thilo Sarrazin if you want to, but don’t be surprised if he calls on Angela Merkel to be a star witness during his next political show trial.

“If German President Christian Wulff approves his sacking in the next few days, the decision would be overturned by the justice system.”

“The president will have to consider carefully whether he wants to see this political show trial to its end, and then see his decision thrown out by the courts.”

“This is a big problem and we can talk about it openly, without arousing suspicions of xenophobia.” Hmm, so let’s not talk (or do anything about) it, right?