Germany Has Spoken

Trump is the devil incarnate and will usher in the end of the world as they know if elected (most Germans don’t believe in God or the devil but are willing to make an exception this time). Clinton, on the other hand, is more up their alley because she has the more politically correct kind of sex organ and is married to a former president of the United States thus making her much more qualified (female sex organs matter). She is also a Democrat and that rhymes with Social Democrat. And just like back home, nobody over here knows who Gary Johnson is, either.

So there we have it. But let’s move on tomorrow, people. One step after the other. No matter what.

German Of The Day: Sexmonster

That means sex monster.

Sexmonster

But that’s only because this year’s presidential election is a real Schlammschlacht.

German word-compounding really shines: Schlamm means “filth” (with connotations of “slime”), and Schlacht, in addition to meaning “fight,” as it’s used here, also means “slaughter” (which you may remember from Schlachthof-fünf in the Vonnegut classic).

German Government Fears Trump Would Ravage American Economy

But I happen to have access to a German code breaking machine here called the Enigma-Not and it tells me that what this actually means is that the German Government fears Trump would ravage the German economy.

Trump

When I ran “shrinking gross domestic product, fewer jobs and higher unemployment in the United States” through the Enigma-Not, for instance, it gave me  “NATO countries like Germany, Trump has said, have to pay more of the costs for their own security in the future. Otherwise, the US would withdraw its troops.”

Meanwhile… Trump’s biggest lender is Deutsche Bank. He owes about $300 million to the bank, nearly half of his outstanding debt.

German Foreign Office Supports Trump

Poor old Frank-Walter Steinmeier. He never was the sharpest knife in the, uh, cupboard. What is more, as Winston Churchill might have put it, “he is a sheep in sheep’s clothing.”

Trump

But worst of all are this guy’s instincts, or the lack of them. By coming out publicly and saying, as he just did, that the world is too complicated for characters like Trump (implying, of course, that only smart folks like Steinmeier HIMSELF are in the position to keep this complicated world of ours running so wonderfully as it is already) he assures that any American voter who hears this and is not quite sure about whether he or she wants to vote for Trump or not just got that much closer to deciding to do so.

„Die Welt ist wahnsinnig kompliziert. Sie braucht Politiker, die sich ihrer Verantwortung bewusst sind; die helfen, die Welt zu verbessern. Wir brauchen keine Anführer, die unsere Welt noch gefährlicher machen.“

US-Amerikan Election To Be Closely Monitored

Still reeling from the shock of Great Britain’s incorrect Brexit vote, the European and international community is now extremely worried that the result of the coming American presidential election might also not turn out as desired.

Trump

That is why the so-called “Initiative HERSELF,” spearheaded and financed by Germany (representing all the worried Europeans), Russia, China, North Korea and Cuba, intends to intensify its efforts in educating the clueless American public in matters of civic responsibility and to warn them of the unspeakable dangers that must occur should they not vote for this election cycle’s fashionable, gender-free candidate, Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton (no one would ever vote for a presidential candidate based on the color of his skin or the type of sex organ she has, you know – or vice versa – or the color of the sex organ, for that matter).

The initiative also calls for increasing by five the number of OSCE election monitors observing said election over there in the freakin’ United States of America because everybody knows about this country’s widespread and systematic voting fraud issues. We’re watching you, Amerika.

Die Organisation für Sicherheit und Zusammenarbeit in Europa (OSZE) will die Zahl ihrer Wahlbeobachter bei der bevorstehenden Präsidentschaftswahl in den USA verfünffachen.

Today’s Headlines

Riots in Suhl refugee camp in Germany.
Refugee chaos in Macedonia.
UK sends cops to Calais to stop migrants from coming through the Chunnel.
Slovakia refuses to let in Muslim refugees.
Germany expecting 800,000 migrants this year.

Migrants
Maybe this is just me but I think the problem here could have something to do with all of the refugees coming to Europe right now. Has anyone called Brussels yet?

Maybe it’s time for the Europeans to consider putting up a wall down there in the Mediterranean Sea somewhere. And have Mexico pay for it.

Als Erstes muss eine Mauer gebaut werden, für die Mexiko zahlen muss.