Acute Threat Now Just A Cute Threat

March 2, 2018 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Bundestag, Cyberattack, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Government, Hackers, Russia Leave a comment

A senior German politician has confirmed today that hackers have been able to collect confidential information from Germany’s government network.

He quickly stressed, however, that this information was expressly labeled confidential and he is therefore quite confident that the hackers won’t read it.

“Confidential means in confidence, after all,” he said. “So when one indicates confidentiality it imparts that this information is a private, even a secret matter. Intimate even, although we certainly don’t have any of that kind of material in our network. Strictly forbidden, you know. So why would one who is not in confidence read confidential information? Would you? Of course not. I wouldn’t, either. I just wouldn’t have the confidence to do so. Well, it’s been a long week everybody. Have a nicer weekend!”

According to reports in German media, the hackers focused their attack on the foreign ministry, which in the view of some lawmakers would suggest a foreign intelligence agency as the orchestrator of the hacking operation.

Germany Outraged Over Swiss Outrage About German Outrage

August 16, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Banking Data, Banks, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Spies, Stolen Goods, Switzerland, Tax evasion, Taxation Leave a comment

So that’s why Germany has indicted a Swiss citizen on suspicion of espionage for spying on German tax investigators.

It’s complicated and goes like this: The German state government of North Rhine-Westphalia (SPD – at that time) decided to openly deal in stolen goods by purchasing, from a criminal who worked for a Swiss bank, a CD containing details on German clients of said Swiss bank. These Germans were dodging German taxes and this illegally acquired CD was then used to pursue numerous tax evasion cases in Germany.

The Swiss, outraged by this, had one of their spies try to obtain information on tax officials in North Rhine-Westphalia and wiggle his way into their system but he got caught doing so.

The Germans, outraged by this, have now indicted him for this outrageous activity and are outraged, as usual, that anyone could ever be outraged by any of the outrageous stuff Germans are always doing, which, in and of itself, is also an outrage. Like I said, complicated. Outrageously complicated.

Zunächst beschaffte er laut Bundesanwaltschaft persönliche Daten von drei nordrhein-westfälischen Steuerfahndern. Später platzierte er demnach eine Quelle in der nordrhein-westfälischen Finanzverwaltung.

German Intelligence Intelligent Enough

May 31, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: BND, CIA, Counter-Intelligence, Cybersecurity, Disinformation, Elections, Espionage, France, Germany, Intelligence, NSA, Russia, Spies Leave a comment

Or at least that’s what one intelligent German intelligence official said today. “We have a proven track record.”

“And we can monitor our own elections and watch out on our own for any disinformation spread by Russia, thank you. Without any American help, I mean. That’s because we’re offended. And we want you Americans to know that we’re offended. And you Russians, too. And the rest of the world, for that matter. That’s just how intelligent we are. So write disinformation down in a safe place somewhere and stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

Earlier this month, Adm. Mike Rogers, director of the National Security Agency, said the U.S. watched Russia hack into France’s computer networks during the country’s election. U.S. officials warned their French counterparts of the hacking before it became public.

This Doll Must Die

February 17, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Health, Helplessness, Humor, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Bundesnetzagentur, Cayla, Dolls, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Internet, My Friend Cayla, Panic, Paranoia, Spies, Spying, Surveillance, Toys, Wi-Fi Leave a comment

Don’t EVER let anybody tell you that Germans are lasch (feeble) when it comes to threats posed to them by foreign intelligence snoops.

Forget about not caring about Putin & Co., forget about spinning your wheels ridiculously with your NSA spying affair. We’ve got a real live (sort of) freakin’ wi-fi-connected Internet doll on the loose and we’re all going to die if we don’t kill her first. OK. So we don’t know who she’s working for yet. But still.

A German government watchdog has ordered parents to destroy an internet-connected doll for fear it could be used as a surveillance device. According to a report from BBC News, the German Federal Network Agency said the doll (which contains a microphone and speaker) was equivalent to a “concealed transmitting device” and therefore prohibited under German telecom law…

“My Friend Cayla” uses a microphone to listen to questions, sending this audio over Wi-Fi to a third-party company (Nuance) that converts it to text. This is then used to search the internet, allowing the doll to answer basic questions, like “What’s a baby kangaroo called?”

Why would anybody want to know what a baby kangaroo is called, huh?

And this is just the beginning, too. These wi-fi-thingies will soon be everywhere. “It doesn’t matter what that object is — it could be an ashtray or a fire alarm.” Damn right. So after you’ve finished strangling this doll toss everything else out of the window while you’re at it. Just in case. They’re out to get us, people. They’re everywhere, I tell you. Whoever they are. Bad dolly!

At what point did we enter this Philip K. Dick novel, anyway?

The Spy Who PowerPointed Me

January 8, 2017 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings Tags: Espionage, Germany, Iran, Israel, Spies Leave a comment

Just like the way Russia doesn’t spy on US-Amerika, Iran doesn’t spy on Germany, either.

And when not doing so, Iranian spies don’t send PowerPoint presentations that incorrectly communicate biographical details about the target they are not targeting, either.

The exact motive for carrying out a possible attack on Robbe is still unclear. However, security agencies speculate that the Iranian government could have been preparing a retaliatory move against people closely linked to Israel should Israel carry out airstrikes against Iranian nuclear power plants.

Is It Time For More Outrage Yet?

December 2, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: BND, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, NSA Leave a comment

About the evil NSA spying on poor, defnseless Germany again?

“What’s new is that German intelligence not only used the NSA spy tools, but has also been involved in its programming for years.”

Unter den insgesamt 90 Gigabyte an Dokumenten soll es demnach Beweise geben, die die Zusammenarbeit zwischen der amerikanischen National Security Agency (NSA) und dem BND belegen. „Einige Dokumente zeigen, wie Geheimdienste Wege finden, um an der eigenen Regierung vorbeizuarbeiten“, heißt es unter anderem in der Mitteilung. Dabei gehe es auch um die aktive Beteiligung des BND an der globalen Massenüberwachung.

If It Works For You

November 30, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hurt Feelings Tags: Agents, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Intelligence, Islamists, Moles, Security, Spies 1 Comment

Just let me get this straight. This married father of four German spy guy of Spanish descent is a onetime gay porn actor turned secret Islamist extremist mole?

Hey, it’s hard to find steady work these days.

Two weeks ago, German intelligence agents noticed an unusual user in a chat room known as a digital hideout for Islamic militants. The man claimed to be one of them — and said he was a German spy. He was offering to help Islamists infiltrate his agency’s defenses to stage a strike. Agents lured him into a private chat, and he gave away so many details about the spy agency — and his own directives within it to thwart Islamists — that they quickly identified him, arresting the 51-year-old the next day. Only then would the extent of his double life become clear.

Enttarnter Islamist war Darsteller in Pornofilmen.

Double-O-Sieben In Da Hood

September 27, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: 007, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, James Bond, Spies, Tax evasion, Werner Mauss Leave a comment

Or at least under it.

Now we know why we never hear much about German spy activity. First off all, German spies are really easy to recognize because of those dopey hoods they wear. I mean, duh. Like you can see them spying at you a mile away.

And secondly, if any of them do turn out to be any good, they get thrown into jail for tax evasion.

Germany’s answer to James Bond on Monday faced what may prove to be the greatest challenge of his career as he went on trial on charges of tax evasion…

The 76-year-old Mr Werner* has claimed he helped avert a mafia poisoning attempt against Pope Benedict XVI negotiated between Israel and Hamas, and took part in intelligence operations against Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (Isil).

* It’s Mr. Mauss, Telegraph journalists, not Mr. Werner. Mr. Mauss is a way cooler spy name, too.

The Spy Who Got Left Out In The Cold

June 15, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Hard Facts, Hideology, Humor, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Edward Snowden, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Honorary Degrees, Rostock, Spies, Whistleblowing 2 Comments

Crazy court rulings these days, I tell ya. One court here in Germany, for instance, just ruled that Edward Snowden HIMSELF cannot receive an honorary degree from the University of Rostock

This is because – now get this – providing controversial and politically charged intelligence service data does not constitute a scientific achievement.

What do ya thinka that? What a bunch of jurisprudence. Why, that’s absolutely positively, uh… Wait a minute. Sure makes sense to me, come to think of it (is that why this court decision is so outrageous?). But now let’s move on. So who the hell are these wackos from the University of Rostock?

Ist die Bereitstellung brisanter Geheimdienst-Daten eine besondere wissenschaftliche Leistung oder nicht?

German Spy Finally Going To Experience Something Exciting

March 18, 2016 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: BND, Boredom, CIA, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Spies, Treason Leave a comment

It’s a little number they call “eight years of prison.”

According to German authorities, Reichel spied for both the CIA and the Russian secret service because he was bored, frustrated with his workplace environment and wanted to “experience something exciting.”

Just remember: “When you pay attention to boredom it gets unbelievably interesting.”

Der 32-Jährige begründete die Spionage zu Prozessbeginn mit Frust, Unzufriedenheit und Unterforderung an seinem Arbeitsplatz. “Im BND hatte ich den Eindruck: Da hat man mir nichts zugetraut”, sagte er. Bei der CIA wäre das anders gewesen. Dort hätte er sich beweisen können.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Tag Archives: Espionage