We Are Still More Equal Than The Rest Of You

January 19, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Corrupt Politicians, Corruption, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Money, Politicians, Satire Leave a comment

German lawmakers are like lawmakers everywhere else on the planet. At least when it comes to giving themselves raises, they are. They give themselves modest raises, of course, albeit at very regular intervals, and as quietly as humanly possible.

This time they’re giving themselves a ridiculously measly 500 euro a month raise, bringing the grand total up to a less than measly 10,700 euros per month.

Now that may seem like a lot to you, but it really isn’t. Ask any SPD man and he’ll tell you why: “Representatives cannot be compared to those in lower income brackets.”

Well there we have it. They have to be on equal footing with others out there with, uh, I dunno, lots of money? Otherwise they might be susceptible to corruption or something. And we (I mean you) don’t want that because in Germany, as you may know, there is no corruption. So shut up and pay up.

“Abgeordnete kann ich nicht vergleichen mit unteren Einkommensgruppen.”

Our Autobahns Don’t Stink

January 15, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Infrastructure, Renewable energy, Satire, The Greens Leave a comment

Remember how the Greens in Berlin shot themselves in the foot after elections last fall by sticking ever so stickily to sticky green principles by just saying no to a two-mile stretch of Berlin autobahn that everybody in town wanted but them?

It was a stellar performance in reality check checking and how not to form a coalition government with the SPD even though everyone seemed convinced up until then that the Greens were either going to take over the Berlin city goverment completely or at least play a major role as junior partner (neither happened).

Well surprise, surprise. Green shirt ideologues what’s upstairs have now just okayed a working paper calling for a more offensive and quite massive expansion of the German autobahn system in West Germany. This is not a sell-out of green principles, however, not that you were even thinking that.

Green autobahns, as you may know, are made of biodegradable concrete and recycled plastic ALDI shopping bags, constructed using environmentally friendly green technology (wind-, I mean hot air-powered) and progressive landscaping techniques which allow for low carbon tire prints, renewable eco-outhouse rest stop stops and an overal eco-friendly and very green if not rather high global environmental greenhouse impact.

Alles im grünen Bereich, wie immer.

Ich wulffe, du wulffst, er/sie/es wulfft…

January 12, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helections, Helplessness, Humor, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Christian Wulff, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Language, Politicians, Politics, Presidents, Satire 1 Comment

Not that anybody out there knows who the German President is or could really care less if they did, but a new German verb has just entered the language (in his honor?) referring to, well, referring to what, anyway?

The new German verb refers to the manner in which scandal-plagued President Christian Wulff has sought to manage revelations that he accepted a favourable home loan from a businessman, holidayed at the villas of the wealthy and left a threatening message for the editor of Bild newspaper.

It’s called wulffen and actually has two meanings (at least two), according to the director of the German Language Association in Dortmund. The first is to talk on and on unprompted. The second means to be evasive about a particular issue without actually telling a lie.

Damn. I really had no idea that politicians the world over have actually been wulffen with me the whole time.

“It means something in-between.”

Republicans Hurting European Feelings Again

January 9, 2012 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, High Art, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Berlin, Elections, Europe, Europeans, German, Germans, Germany, Gingrich, Humor, Republicans, Romney, Satire Leave a comment

And when they’re not doing that they’re hurting each other’s feelings – by calling each another too European. Yikes. Talk about hitting below the belt (but somebody’s got to do it).

It’s a scandal or something. And I’m shocked, I guess (I really thought they would have more powerful stuff than this). But some of these are pretty good, actually:

“Obama wants to turn the US into a European welfare state.”

“I don’t believe in Europe. I believe in America.”

“I don’t think Europe is working in Europe. I know it won’t work here.”

“You want to see America after the Obama administration is through, just read up on Greece.”

“Obama has a European social democratic vision.”

“American elites are guided by their desire to emulate the European elites. As a result, anti-religious values and principles are coming to dominate the academic, news media and judicial class in America.”

“The president said he wants to fundamentally transform America. I kind of like America. I’m not looking for it to be fundamentally transformed into something else. I don’t want it to become like Europe.”

Recently, RC Hammond, the spokesman for Newt Gingrich’s campaign, commented on Mitt Romney’s alleged support for a value added tax. “The fact that he’s willing to look at European Socialism shows just how far out of the conservative mainstream he is.”

Have A Wonderful Stresstest

December 16, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Higher Education, Hysteria Tags: German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Language, Satire, Stress 4 Comments

As you may have noticed, Germans are always stressed out about stuff, even stuff that isn’t particularly stressful. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that the Society for German Language has just chosen “Stresstest” to be the German word of the year (you didn’t know it was a German word, did you).

You name it, the Germans have stress tested it this year (or have been stress tested by it). Whether banks, nuclear power plants, train stations in Stuttgart, rained out summers or having patience with the euro (not), this term has become a “firm component of everyday language.”

I don’t see what all the fuss is about, though. Ain’t nothing new. I remember when they used to call stress test life.

Der ursprünglich aus der Medizin entlehnte Begriff sei im Laufe des Jahres “auffällig oft” verwendet worden.

Just In Case You Didn’t Know Who To Vote For

December 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helections, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Der Spiegel, Elections, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Republicans, Satire, The Tea Party 5 Comments

Der Spiegel http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,800850,00.html (sorry, having trouble with the posting today) has put together a highly nuanced and in depth political analysis about US Republican presidential candidates. It is called “A Club of Liars, Demagogues and Ignoramuses.”

Here are just a few of the more insightful insights:

The current crop of candidates have shown such a basic lack of knowledge that they make George W. Bush look like Einstein (so like they don’t like Einstein, or what?).

They lie. They cheat. They exaggerate. They bluster. They say one idiotic, ignorant, outrageous thing after another (good thing we have the Democrats as an alternative).

The US elections are a reality show after all, a pseudo-political counterpart to the Paris Hiltons, Kim Kardashians and all the “American Idol” and “X Factor” contestants littering today’s TV (I don’t get this but it sounds like it must be astute or something).

The Grand Old Party is ruining the entire country’s reputation (uh, what reputation are we talking about here anyway?).

…Which goes to show that this “movement” (the Tea Party), sponsored by Fox News, has never been interested in the actual business of governing or in the intelligence and intellect that it requires. They are only interested in marketing themselves, for ratings and dollars (if given the choice I’d take the ratings at the moment).

Americans have a short memory (this one sure does, I’ve forgotten your article already).

Is It Really Over?

November 28, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Helections, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Demonstrations, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Protest, Protestors, Satire, Stuttgart, Stuttgart 21, The Green Shirts, The Greens 4 Comments

Finished? Endlich vorbei? Finito and all that? For real?

Das Votum der Bürger in Baden-Württemberg ist eindeutig: Stuttgart 21 soll gebaut werden. Das führt zu Erleichterung einerseits, Ärger andererseits. Und Politikern, die sich die Sache schönreden.

I don´t have to hear about Stuttgart 21 demonstrators anymore? I don´t have to wonder anymore about why I´ve never understood how people can go ballistic about rebuilding a city´s freakin´train station underground as if it were some unspeakably important social issue? Honest? You´re not shitting me here? The war is finally over and Johnny can come marching home?

Well then let us all stand and sing together!

Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lord;
he is trampling out the vintage
where the grapes of wrath are stored;
he hath loosed the fateful lightning
of his terrible swift sword;
his truth is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His truth is marching on.

The Color Of Money

November 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Ecology, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire, The Green Shirts, The Greens, The State 1 Comment

We’re the Greens. You know, green like money (well it’s green back home)? And that’s what it’s going to cost you too, having voted for us like you did – and yet will (the Greens have become a Volkspartei or major party since Fukushima, remember?).

We only want to help you and we are only doing this for your own good, but in order to ecologically retrofit the German nation it will unfortunately be necessary for our subjects everywhere, green or not, to pay quite heavily through the nose.

It’s all about Umverteilung (redistribution – of other people’s money), as usual. And here at our party convention in Kiel we have come up with just a few of the ways with which this will soon be done:

The toll for trucks will be increased.
The company car privilege will be phased out.
Ecological taxation will be increased, loopholes will be closed.
The tax advantage for married couples will be phased out.
Reduced rate exceptions for the value added tax will be eliminated.
The top tax rate will be increased to 49% (beginning with 80,000 euros gross).
The flat rate withholding tax will be replaced with a progressive tax.
A capital levy on “the rich” will be introduced.
A capital tax will be introduced (replacing the capital levy on “the rich” after ten years).
A “financial market transaction tax” will be introduced.

Like we said, these are just a few modest suggestions for Vorspeise (an appetizer). Just wait until we are actually in power.

Qualität hat ihren Preis (everything comes at a price).

Viva la revolución verde!

Consulting the population? Are you crazy?

November 2, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helections, Helplessness, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, Euro, Euro Zone, Financial crisis, German, Germans, Germany, Greece, Humor, Satire 4 Comments

German politicians everywhere were shocked at Greek prime minister George Papandreou’s shocking decision yesterday to call a referendum on the latest greatest financial rescue package just put together by EU bureaucrats after marathon summit talks held in Brussels.

“One can’t help but think that the Greeks should be more grateful to selfless Europeans like ourselves who are only trying to help,” said one distraught Berliner politician. “Everybody knows that if you’re dumb enough to actually ask the people what they think about our grand European rescue visions they are very likely to speak their minds.”

A poll at the weekend showed nearly 60 percent of Greeks had a negative or partly negative view of the rescue.

99% Plus 53% Makes How Much Percent?

October 24, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Heconomy, Helections, Higher Education Tags: 53%, 99%, Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Occupy Berlin, Occupy Wall Street, Satire 5 Comments

Now that it’s getting cold and wet on Wall Street (and elsewhere) the 100% of the 99% are beginning to reevaluate whether or not they will be able to continue whining at 100% or whether it might not be better for them now to just shut up already and start biting the bullet like that ugly 53% does.

There could never be a 53% movement in Germany, you know. Germans are always in the upper 80s to lower 90s.

53 Prozent, weil dies die Menge derer sei, die mehr Einkommensteuer zahlen, als sie an Abschreibungen und sonstigen Entlastungen zurückbekommen. “Wir sind diejenigen, die für diejenigen zahlen, die sich gerade über dieses und jenes und irgendwie alles beschweren.”

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Helections