Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

October 5, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Health, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypochondria, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, Depression, Fear, Fear Industry, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Hypochondria, Satire 2 Comments

First the good news: Germans are no more depressive than they used to be.

The bad news is that they are now no longer expected to keep their depressions to themselves and are being asked to come out of their closets to tell everybody about it.

The numbers are shocking or something. Fear industry experts at the Foundation for German Depression Assistance say that there are four million depressed people in Germany, two-thirds of them being women. Just like the rest of us, their lives are filled with angst, emptiness and desperation. But unlike others, these folks are much easier to manipulate (by organizations like the Foundation of German Depression Assistance, for instance) and can and will be made to come public with their ailments, real or imaginary, thus “breaking a taboo” and further increasing their number and the throng of psychotherapeutically challenged pilgrims to organizations like, well, take a guess.

The development is in fact so dramatic that comedian Harald Schmidt has been asked to get involved as a sponsor. And anybody who wasn’t depressed before attending a conference moderated by this guy will be by the time he leaves.

Gee. All of this gives German depression assistance a whole new meaning or something.

Vier Millionen Depressive in Deutschland – das kann nicht nur am Fernsehprogramm liegen.

Not A Speck Of Animal!

September 30, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, Cola, German, Germans, Germany, Haji Cola, Halal, Hamburg, Humor, Islam, Satire 2 Comments

Not in this cola.

Unlike western or occidental cola types that apparently have all kinds of animal rests floating around in them (gelatine is used), new and improved (and oriental) Haji Cola is made in compliance with Islamic hygiene regulations and guaranteed halal, albeit admittedly “less tingling” than what you might be used to.

And the stuff is selling like halal hotcakes in Hamburg too, or might one day. But don’t worry, religion does not play a role here, folks (that’s why they call it halal?). Love does. The love of money. Geez, talk about your occidental attitude.

“Religion spielt keine Rolle.“

Pope Too Religious For Germans

September 26, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Pope Benedict XVI, Religion, Satire, The Pope Leave a comment

Always talking about spiritual renewal, faith, the heart, love, apostles, saints and stuff like that, many German Catholics were clearly disappointed with Pope Benedict XVI’s visit to his homeland over the weekend.

“It’s like an obsession with this guy or something,” one irritated non-churchgoer said. “All he ever talks about is freakin’ religion. He didn’t bring up sexual abuse, abortion, celibacy or letting women become priests once. Boring. I thought he’d never leave.”

The pope drew hundreds of thousands of German faithful to services held on stops during his trip, including a final Mass early Sunday that attracted about 100,000 people to an airfield beside Freiburg’s airport.

“Germany hasn’t been a reliable power for several years”

August 26, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Heconomy, Helplessness, Home Cooking Tags: Berlin, Euro, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Kohl, Libya, Merkel, Satire Leave a comment

“Neither domestically nor abroad,” Mr. Kohl said.

“I have to ask myself, where does Germany actually stand today and where does it want to go?”

Merkel’s UN abstention was popular in German polls. And as the Libya NATO operation proved indecisive and messy, with rebels in pickup trucks taking towns and then retreating, and with talk of quagmire, some German officials were telling French colleagues, “We told you so.”

The Green Plague (Another Green Shirt Terror Post)

June 6, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Helplessness, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, E. coli, EHEC, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Greens, Humor, Organic Foods, Satire, Terror 3 Comments

Now it’s tainted German sprouts that have caused the deadly E. coli (Ehec) outbreak (but remember, the source of the outbreak seems to change here every few hours–ask Spanish organic cucumber farmers). Sprouts? That’s another one of them there green organic foods, ain’t it?

Anyway, one German Spiegel reader who goes by the name of alex300 is mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore. I feel his pain and stuff. He writes:

“What have we learned from the organic crisis?

1. That green organic farmers can cause more damage than Chernobyl and Fukushima together. How many deaths have been attributed to Fukushima? Just one worker who died of a heart attack. How many deaths do we have to thank for the green organic madness? More than 2000 contaminated by health stores and organic sprouts, about 1000 of them with irreparable brain and kidney damage, and 21 dead.

2. That biogas plants are much more dangerous than nuclear reactors. An atomic reactor can contaminate a 30 km area around it, max. The multiresistant bacteria that breed in biogas plants can wipe out all of humanity.

No power to the green organic plague!”

I hope alex300 is feeling better now. I sure do. For now.

Was haben wir aus der Biokrise gelernt?

1. Die grünen Biobauer können viel mehr schaden anrichten als Tschernobyl und Fukushima zusammen. Wie viele Tote hat Fukushima verschuldet? Nur einen Arbeiter, der an einem Herzinfarkt verstarb. Wie viele Tote haben wir dank dem grünen Biowahn? Mehr als 2000 verseuchten durch Reformhäuser und Biosprossen, ca. 1000 mit irreparablen Hirn- und Nierenschäden und 21 Toten.

2. Die Biogasanlagen sind wesentlich gefährlicher als die AKWs. Ein AKW kann maximal 30 km Umgebung gefährlich verseuchen. Die multiresistenten Bakterien, die in Biogasanlagen brüten, können die ganze Menschheit auslöschen.

Keine Macht der grünen Bioseuche!

Germans To End Opposition To New Overhead Power Lines Overnight

June 1, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Atomic energy, Berlin, Energy, German, Germans, Germany, Green Shirts, Greens, Humor, Nuclear energy, Overhead Power Lines, Phase-out, Power Lines, Satire, The Greens Leave a comment

As reported earlier, in order to avoid stunting the growth in Europe’s largest economy after its decision to shut down nuclear power forever, Germany must now carry out a massive expansion of it’s electricity-delivery network.

The overhead power lines which will be necessary to connect new offshore wind farms in the north to the factory-rich south and to allow the high-volume energy transfer from French nuclear reactors to cover the shortfall as Germany phases out its own reactors (they only provide a mere 23 percent of the country’s current energy demand) are, however, “unsightly and yucky,” as all Germans know. And they will also probably cause cancer, too (the next DANGER, but that will be another story later, guaranteed).

Fortunately for the German nation, it’s altruistic, selfless citizens have spontaneously decided to sacrifice their own petty personal concerns and grievences in regard to these power lines and win one for the collective common good by immediately ending all opposition to the construction of said yucky power lines and promising to never ever bitch or moan about them ever again, honest.

And if you believe that you can build your overhead power line on some prime Florida swamp land I’ve got for sale for you right here.

A grid upgrade is essential, and Germans must end their opposition to new power lines overhead, energy economics professor Christoph Weber said.

Organic Cucumber Phase-Out Recommended

May 27, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EHEC, Fukushima, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Organic Foods, Satire, Spain 5 Comments

As if Switzerland’s announcement of a plan to follow Germany down the path toward a nuclear phase-out had not been shocking enough (other nervous European countries are now most certainly to follow), the alarming outbreak of enterohemorrhagic Escherichia coli (EHEC) in Germany traced to organic cucumbers grown in Spain has led to wide-spread calls for an organic cumumber phase-out as well.

“We now know that organic cucumbers are more deadly than Fukushima,” said one highly concerned Brussels bureaucrat. “This incident has opened our eyes to the total helplessness of organic cucumber operators, I mean growers, everywhere. We Europeans can no longer deny that an accident of this magnitude is indeed possible so it only stands to reason that the only way to deal with a crisis like this is to stop eating organic cucumbers altogether.”

PS: Thanks for the Hinweis, Ole Phat Stu.

Green Eggs and Ham

April 18, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Home Cooking, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Satire 2 Comments

Particularly nervous about this, that and the other thing these past few weeks, Germans are now being frightened by their very own Easter eggs.

Greenpeace eggtivists have determined that up to 20 percent of eggs sold in Germany have been contaminated with the dreaded and deadly genetically modified “herbicide tolerant soja bean” or so-called “Gen-Soja” chicken feed. You know, the chickens that lay the eggs eat this scourge of chickenkind first?

Green Germans have reacted accordingly and have now begun to have their chickens produce organically correct and green (literally green) eggs instead.

Sam!
If you will let me be,
I will try them.
You will see.

Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E

March 24, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Helections, Home Cooking, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Berlin, EU, France, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Japan, Satire 2 Comments

Becomes final today. Me and little Sar-ko-sy will be goin’ away…

So much for France and Germany as the inseparable couple at the heart of Europe.

The issue here is not direct German military participation. Everyone would have understood if that was not possible. But how could Germany not support a UN resolution backed by its principal European partners, the United States and the Arab League?

Like so many contemporary European politicians, they (in the German government) follow rather than lead public opinion.

“We calculated the risk. If we see that three days after this intervention began, the Arab League already criticises [it], I think we had good reasons.” While French and British pilots risk their lives in action, the German foreign minister is virtually encouraging the Arab League to make further criticism.

Latest Angst Update:
++ Ticker Ticker++Several German container shipping companies have stopped going to eastern Japanese ports including Tokyo for the time being amid fears of radiation++ Ticker Ticker ++Fukushima radiation detected in Germany!!!

And thanks for this cool Angst Republic link, A.K.

Fossil Fools

March 21, 2011 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor Tags: Berlin, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Japan, Nuclear energy, Puns, Satire 3 Comments

In Japan, we have seen mighty tectonic shifts, with tragic effects. In Germany, teutonic plates have been swirling around uncontrollably, and the country has undergone a nuclear U-turn at the hand of Angela Merkel, the normally iconically-cool Chancellor.

But now for something completely different: German energy puns.

Boy I tell ya, when it comes to shutting down nuclear power plants these Germans really know what’s watt.

I just heard all the German nuclear physicists have gone fission.

I guy I talked to says that now that they’ve shut down all these nuclear plants they’re gonna re-fuse to start them back up again.

Green? Why Germans are so green these days that they’ve resorted to planting light bulbs. They want to see if power plants will grow.

You know why wind power is so popular in this country? It has a lot of fans.

You know what they are going to call a power failure here pretty soon, don’t you? A current event.

I ran into this silly old German Green the other day. Man, talk about a fossil fool.

During the past week, the Germans have not set a good example, casting away logic and apparently deciding future energy policy on the basis of an emotional spasm rather than a clearly-thought out strategy.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

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