Eat More Rich People!

Germans should be ashamed of themselves. Again, I mean. The amount of personal wealth just keeps on rising here – another 79 billion this past quarter – and has reached yet another historic level. The Germans, it seems, have never been richer. And this, as we all know, is a bad thing.

Rich

Haven’t you people ever heard of Umverteilung (redistribution) over here? What do you need all that damned money for? It’s not like it’s yours or anything. Well it is but it isn’t, if you know what I’m sayin’. And who says it doesn’t stink? It stinks that you still have it. What you folks need is leadership like we have now been graced with in New York City itself. You’ve already got all the tax loopholes you’ll be needing so roll up your sleeves and let’s get this party started!

Im vierten Quartal 2013 wuchs das Vermögen der privaten Haushalte in Form von Bargeld, Wertpapieren, Bankeinlagen oder Ansprüchen gegenüber Versicherungen im Vergleich zum Vorquartal um rund 79 Milliarden Euro oder 1,6 Prozent auf den historischen Höchstwert von 5,15 Billionen Euro, teilte die Deutsche Bundesbank mit.

German-Led Observers Lead Observer Team Into Captivity

For more in-depth observation, I assume. And understanding.

Hostage

Sheesh! I guess these guys must belong to the Woody Allen Brigade or something: “I’m classified as 4P. In case of war, I’m a hostage.”

Pro-Russia rebels have confirmed they are holding a German-led military observer team as hostages in the separatist stronghold of Slavyansk, as they announced plans to proceed with a referendum on May 11 to create a breakaway Donbass People’s Republic in eastern Ukraine.

“The Nato spies will be exchanged for our prisoners.”

Google Street View Time Travel To Offer Germans Blurred Out Views Of The Past

Google Maps Street View has released a revolutionary new “time travel” feature that will allow, among other things, German users the novel opportunity to “go back in time” and see how the blurred out images of their homes in the past compare to the blurred out images of their homes in the present.

Blur

Google spokesmen regret that time travel to blurred out images of homes in the future is not yet available but will certainly be introduced as soon as googly possible.

Aus Datenschutzgründen ist die neue Funktion in Deutschland nicht abrufbar.

Eco-Farmer Finds Magic Way To Increase Number Of Eco-Chickens

And he’s not telling anybody, either.

Chicken

Everybody is an eco-activist in Germany, as you well know. The Organic Bourgeois have been calling the shots here for quite some time now.

So you can imagine the organic bourgeois brouhaha today now that it’s come out how that über-eco organic food chain Neuland has been receiving 130,000 organic chicken pieces annually from an eco-farmer who only had enough eco-chickens to deliver 80,000. Talk about turning water into wine. Or maybe he just sliced them up really well?

2013 lieferte der niedersächsische Betrieb schon 130.000 Hühner an Neuland-Geschäfte. Den Vereinsstatuten zufolge hätte er aber höchstens 16.000 Tiere auf seinem Hof halten dürfen. Bei jährlich rund fünf Schlachtdurchgängen wären das rund 80.000 Hühner.

Berlin Starts Talking Tough To Russia After All

Sort of. Jeepers creepers already! This ought to stop old Vlad Putin dead in his tank tracks.

Tanks

Germany should remove a pair of World War Two-era Soviet tanks standing on pedestals next to Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate in protest at Russia’s actions in Crimea and Ukraine, Germany’s best-selling newspaper Bild said on Tuesday.

Launching a petition to get rid of the two green T-34 tanks that have stood in front of the Soviet war memorial since it was built in 1945, Bild and Berlin tabloid B.Z. urged readers to send letters of protest to parliament against the war symbols.

Wir wollen keine Russen-Panzer am Brandenburger Tor!

Bring This Guy To Germany, Please

German Aufregung (fuss and commotion) is a funny thing.

Edward Snowden

On the one hand, the Germans feel that it is absolutely, unquestionably and positively of the very utmost importance that their Volksheld Edward Snowden be brought to Germany right here this minute so he can testify against that despicable Empire of Evil itself, the NSA (stands for Narks, Spys and Agent provocateurs, I think).

On the other hand, well, if Mr. Snowden were in fact to come to Germany, the Germans, unfortunately being Germans, being the reliable, law-abiding and legalistic Germans they are, would have no other recourse but to extradite their folk hero to US-Amerika to face the criminal charges that are currently waiting for him there.

This is a dilemma. Or maybe a predicament. Perhaps even a quandary. At any rate, it really is a funny thing, like I said. You see it just doesn’t cost you anything to make a big loud fuss and commotion about something when you know right from the start you won’t ever “have to deliver” on anything concerning it.

“Wenn Snowden nach Deutschland käme, müsste die Bundesregierung meines Erachtens einem rechtlich einwandfreien Auslieferungsersuchen der USA stattgeben.”

What Goes Around Comes Around

Even GERMANS hate compatriots who reserve sunloungers on holiday, according to new research

Chairs

Germans take around 70million holidays a year as a nation, but are far from relaxed despite all their time off.

The survey found that most Germans abroad get upset easily – including 14 per cent who are annoyed by other tourists, mainly Russians, Chinese, Brits and other Germans.

Bleeding-Heart German Responsible For Heartbleed Bug

Well here’s yet another case of that famous German Gründlichkeit in action (that means thoroughness).

Heartbleed
A major Internet security bug that affects websites like Google and Facebook has been discovered, leaving users’ financial details and emails vulnerable to theft by cybercriminals.

The so-called “Heartbleed bug” was discovered in OpenSSL software—an encryption service used by around two-thirds of websites to protect information sent to and from Web pages.

The German software developer responsible says that he didn’t deliberately make the mistake when he was working on the popular OpenSSL software. Honest.

“In one of the new features, unfortunately, I missed validating a variable containing a length.”

Unbearable, Insupportable, Unendurable, Etc.

The latest study only confirms what many of us have suspected all along: Very, very, very many of those hard-working, dedicated and self-sacrificing German teachers everywhere out there (German teachers, not teachers of German) just can’t take it anymore.

Teachers

Thirty percent (30) suffer from “burnout” and exhaustion and, although certainly none of them would want to openly suggest such a shameful thing, it is obvious to most of those many of us that they may all have to seriously consider going on early retirement. Earlier than the normal early retirement German teachers usually go on, I mean. Early early retirement, so-to-speak.

By the way… Burnout is not a recognized disorder in the DSM although it is recognized in the ICD-10[2] and specified as a “State of vital exhaustion” (Z73.0) under “Problems related to life-management difficulty” (Z73), but not considered a “disorder.”

30 Prozent der Lehrer und Erzieher leiden unter Burn-out und Erschöpfung, die Zahl der Krankheitstage hat sich verdoppelt.

Germany Says It’s “Very Worried” About Eastern Ukraine

Russia replies: “You must have confused us with somebody who gives a shit.”

Ukraine

Pro-Russian demonstrators stormed regional government buildings in the industrial hub of Donetsk on Sunday as well as security service offices in nearby Luhansk and the regional administrative building in Kharkiv.

“We must urgently renew our appeal to all those in positions of responsibility to help stabilise the region and avoid such escalation.”

Meanwhile… Gazprom-Gerd celebrates his 70th birthday in Hannover and everybody is having a ball! It’s unclear if Vlad Putin will be able to attend or not, however.

News flash! This just in: Vlad couldn’t make it after all but sent G.-G. some Happy Birthday fireworks instead! How cute or something.