America Decides Its Gold Is Safe In German Hands

June 24, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Bundesbank, Fed, German, Germans, Germany, Gold, Gold Reserves, Humor, New York, Satire Leave a comment

No, wait. Germany has decided its gold is safe in American hands (I knew it was one of those).

Surging mistrust of the euro during Europe’s debt crisis fed a campaign to bring Germany’s entire $141 billion gold reserve home from New York and London. Now, after politics shifted in Chancellor Angela Merkel’s coalition, the government has concluded that stashing half its bullion abroad is prudent after all.

“The Americans are taking good care of our gold… It’s my view that the gold reserves should be stored wherever they might be needed in an emergency.”

Been There Done That

June 23, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Hard Facts, Helplessness, High Art, Higher Education, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Art, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Kunst, Satire, Vaginas 1 Comment

US student is rescued from giant vagina sculpture in Germany

On Friday afternoon, a young American in Tübingen had to be rescued by 22 firefighters after getting trapped inside a giant sculpture of a vagina.

Police confirmed that the firefighters turned midwives delivered the student “by hand and without the application of tools”.

PS: Speaking of the fighting spirit… Jürgen Klinsmann has promised that his USA team will play to win against Germany in their final Group G match on Thursday, even though a draw would be enough to see both teams through to the knockout phase.

As If Nazi Streakers At World Cup Games Weren’t Bad Enough

June 22, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, High Art, History, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Computer Games, Football, German, Germans, Germany, Nazis, Shooters, Soccer, Streakers, The Beatles, Wolfenstein, World Cup Leave a comment

And they are.

The Beatles themselves are now being forced to sing in German for Adolf Hitler.

In a controversial new computer game thingy, I mean.

“It was very important to us to create a credible soundtrack for Wolfenstein. We wanted to capture the tone of this alternate universe where the Nazis won World War II.”

German Tanks Finally Doing Something Useful

June 13, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Helplessness, Higher Education, Hurt Feelings Tags: Düsseldorf, German, Germans, Germany, Panzer, Storms, Tanks Leave a comment

They have rolled in to occupy the city of Düsseldorf.

I mean they have rolled in to occupy themselves with Umweltschäden (ecological damage) in the city of Düsseldorf.

This damage was caused by a big honking storm that slammed Germany the other day. And this means war or something.

„Hier sieht‘s aus, wie nach dem Krieg.“

Joe Biden Can Say Squirrel

June 12, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Helplessness, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Gaffes, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Joe Biden, Language, Xenophobia Leave a comment

And that’s not that easy, you know. He can say “xenophobic,” too. For no particular reason at all.

Joe Biden says all kinds of stuff, all the time. He can say Obama’s healthcare enactment “is a “big f**king deal,” for instance. He can even say to a wheelchair-bound politician to “stand up for a round of applause.” The problem here, of course, is getting Joe Biden to stop staying stuff.

“Look at Germany. Look at the rest of the world. America is the only non-xenophobic nation in the world that’s a major economy.”

This Is Supposed To Be News?

June 11, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Hideology, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy Tags: Anti-Americanism, German, Germans, Germany, NSA, Obama, Polls, Trust, Ukraine 6 Comments

It’s never been any different.

A poll published by research firm infratest dimap last week indicates German trust in the U.S. has plummeted to lows not seen since the thick of the Iraq war. Another poll, published in May, showed those Germans surveyed were more interested in deepening their country’s ties with China than they were in doing so with the U.S. A third, published in April, showed that nearly half wanted Germany to take a “middle position” in the Ukraine conflict rather than standing firmly on the side of the West.

Maybe The Turks Could Build One Of These New-Fangled Airport Thingies In Berlin, Too

June 8, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Heconomy, Helplessness, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Humor, Hurt Feelings Tags: Airports, Berlin, Berlin-Brandenburg Airport, Corruption, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, Istanbul, Projects, Satire, Technology Leave a comment

The construction of the world’s largest airport began on June 7 in Istanbul with a massive groundbreaking ceremony. When fully completed in 2018, the 10 billion-euro airport will be able to carry 150 million passengers a year, making it one of the world’s busiest airports.

Meanwhile, back in Germany…

Berlin’s disastrous airport project (groundbreaking so long ago nobody can remember anymore, at one time planned to open in June 2012 Anno Domini) was hit with another scandal after its technical director was suspended pending an investigation into alleged corruption. A “leading employee” responsible for awarding contracts during the on-going construction of the hopelessly-delayed Berlin Brandenburg airport (BER), is suspected of having demanded €500,000 bribes from a prospective contractor.

Berlin’s airport is already too small.

N S A B N D M O U S E

June 6, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hi-tech, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: BND, Eavesdropping, Espionage, German, Germans, Germany, Humor, NSA, Satire, Spying Leave a comment

Who’s the leader of the club
That spies on you and me?
N S A B N D M O U S E!

Germany’s foreign intelligence agency is officially lifting the lid on some of its worst-kept secrets by acknowledging that half a dozen facilities are in fact spy stations.

“Diese Aufgaben gehören zum Kernauftrag des Bundesnachrichtendienstes und beruhen auf gesetzlicher Grundlage. Zu diesen Aufgaben stehen wir, weshalb wir zukünftig auf die Legendierung dieser Außenstellen im Inland verzichten.”

Bio Business Big Bad Business

June 4, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habitudes, Hard Facts, Helplessness, Hideology, Higher Education, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings, Hypocrisy, Hysteria Tags: Arte, Big Business, Documentaries, Food, German, Germans, Germany, Mafia, Money, Organic Food, TV Leave a comment

Everybody buys Bio (organic) here. You know, like with real, non-organic money? It’s not just for the bio bourgeoisie anymore.

So don’t watch that there “Bio-Illusion” documentary on Arte if you can help it, folks. Not even if you can go back in time to yesterday to see it when it was on, I mean. Which you can’t, I bet.

Those who believe that organic farming is the work of some sinister food mafia will only be reinforced after watching the documentary “Bio-Illusion.” The others will be angry, with good reason.

Wo Bio draufsteht, muss noch längst nicht Bio drin sein.

PS: Speaking of the organic illusion, here’s another one for you here made in the US of A.

German Of The Day: Lebenslänglich

June 2, 2014 By Hermann Observer in Habeas Corpus, Habitudes, Hard Facts, Home Cooking, Hurt Feelings Tags: Crime, German, Germans, Germany, Justice, Media, Murder, Prisons, Punishment 1 Comment

That means life-long, like in a life-long prison sentence?

That’s what this guy here got for killing that young woman there (and someone else not pictured), pretty much televised live. Actually, he got two life-long prison sentences. And that’s why he’s getting out of prison now because life-long in Germany, as in life-long prison sentence life-long, means 15 years and since he was sentenced in 1991 that means that, well, I dunno, he’s been in there a whole lot of years and it’s only fair that he be allowed to come out now, right?

Das Landgericht in Essen hatte die beiden Männer 1991 zu lebenslanger Haft verurteilt.

Observing Hermann

“Was interessiert mich mein Geschwätz von gestern?”

Category Archives: Hurt Feelings