Where The Happiest Germans Are?

Like duh. That’s easy. Wherever the most miserable Germans are. They call it Schadenfreude, folks. With a capital S.

Happiness

Stay out of those orange-looking areas, by the way. You know, places where people like me live? They will NOT be happy to see you.

While in many parts of the world happiness is a purely abstract concept, Germans have come up with a method to measure it. The results from the 2017 yearly survey on life satisfaction, called the “Glücksatlas” (or the “Atlas of Happiness”), have been published on Tuesday…

The gap between the happiest and the unhappiest regions is smaller than ever, with 0.6 points: The people in Schleswig-Holstein top the ranking, with 7.43 points, while Saxony-Anhalt’s population comes last in the listing, with 6.83 points.

Die subjektive Lebenszufriedenheit bleibe auf dem Niveau des Vorjahres und liege auf einer Skala von 0 bis 10 bei 7,07.

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German Happiness Hits Record High And Sure The Hell Better Stop Soon

Because, you know, the happy Germans are really starting to piss off the regular, less-than-happy-silent-majority ones (see happy Germans below).

Happy

A new study shows that Germans are more satisfied with their lives now than at any point since reunification in 1990. The research by the German Institute for Economic Research Friday showed that life satisfaction among Germans had hit 7.5 out of ten on their happiness scale. The DIW has interviewed 30,000 people each year since 1984 on a variety of themes including work situation, health, education and income to understand how Germans are doing in their lives.

“It is sobering to see that satisfaction among east Germans still trails that of west Germans after all these years, but at the same time, the gap is smaller now than it has ever been.”

What Conchita Wurst Tells Us About EU Identity?

Why everything, doesn’t she?

Wurst

Damn. This guy here sure hit the nail right on the head: “Europe has struggled for decades to forge a common identity — and now the Continent’s response to Putin, its battle against Google and the victory of drag queen Conchita Wurst at the Eurovision Song Contest all suggest that shared values are finally emerging.”

Well that certainly sums it up nicely for me.

PS: This doesn’t necessarily make Europeans all that happy, you must understand (Conchita doesn’t look all that happy up there, either). At least not the Germans. Germany came in 46th of the 138 countries examened for the “International Happiness Map.”

Seeing That Other People Have Lives Makes Germans Absolutely Miserable

Germans always knew that Facebook (like Google and practically every other hi-tech company from, uh-hum, Amerika) was somehow EVIL. But at least now they know why.

Neid

Two German universities have discovered that there is rampant German envy, uh, running rampant on Facebook. Apparantly, having to witness other people’s wonderful love lives, super vacation adventures and stunning successes at work makes them near physically ill.

This couldn’t surprise anybody who has spent any time in this country, however. Der deutsche Neid ist einfach ohnesgleichen. German Neid (envy) is unparalleled. It permeates this society to such a degree that practically every individual in the country is affected. I can’t say why this is, of course. But my gut feeling theory is that Germans are, in the end, simply unhappy. And misery loves company.

“We were surprised by how many people have a negative experience from Facebook with envy leaving them feeling lonely, frustrated or angry.”

Citizens Of Düsseldorf Least Miserable Germans This Year

At least according to this year’s Glücksatlas (Happiness Atlas) they are. Oh boy and good for them or something.

But why they don’t just come out and call the damned thing the Misery Atlas, I’ll never know.

Am zufriedensten sind die Deutschen in den Regionen Hamburg (7,23 Punkte), Niedersachsen/Nordsee (7,16), Süd-Bayern (7,11) und Franken (7,10). Auf den letzten Plätzen rangieren Brandenburg (6,63), Mecklenburg-Vorpommern (6,58) und Sachsen-Anhalt (6,56). 

If It Wasn’t For Schadenfreude I Wouldn’t Have No Freude At All

This just in: The German joy gene is broken. Holy freakin’ Makrele (mackerel)! Who would have ever thought that?

But here we have it. The latest German joy gene task force survey says: 46 percent of Germans reveal that they are increasingly unable to enjoy anything, 55 percent of younger Germans even claim to feel they have lost their ability to feel good at all and 81 percent of those surveyed said that the only time they experience pleasure is when they have managed to “achieve something” first. You know, like when “a motorcyclist reported experiencing delight when he blew exhaust fumes in the direction of a convertible driver as he accelerated at a green light.”

Wow. I would have never thought that Germans were self-denying overachievers completely incapable of enjoying themselves (unless it’s schadenfreude) and weighed down by their penchant for perfectionism and their inability to relax, you?

Meanwhile, chances to create a sense of well-being lurk everywhere — a glass of wine, a relaxing bubble bath, or a nice restaurant with delicious food. These, of all things, also rankle the Germans. “This glut of offerings pressures people into thinking, ‘I must enjoy everything’.”